The heartaches of parenting

babies and kids cry. they get hurt. it's a fact of life. you always hate to see your baby upset, but realize that they have to go through it - it's part of life and we went through it as well. they go to the doctor, they have to get shots, they cry.

BUT when your child has to go through something "out of the norm", sometimes it hits you harder. for me it did anyway. the ladybug had to have some dental work done yesterday. not a real big deal - she had two cavities in her baby teeth - one they crowned, the other was far too gone that they had to pull it. the dentist also put sealants on her back molars, which is a fairly standard procedure for kids to help prevent cavities. i had the same thing when i was a kid. so anyway...in theory, fairly simple procedure. no biggy.

i've had a lot of dental work in my life including 2 surgeries, so i understand the pain and the nervousness that goes along with this. to this day, i can't stand having anything done to my teeth. i have reoccuring dreams about all my teeth falling out and it freaks me the hell out. anyway.....

my baby was a trooper yesterday. they gave her some watermelon laughing gas and went to town. everything went smoothly UNTIL the tooth pulling. (keep in mind, i am right here with her watching all of this and holding her hand) 1st mistake - me watching. the dentist started to work her way into this tooth and move it around with some force and i heard the ladybug let out a wail and started crying her little heart out. she squeezed my hand so tight i thought she had almost broken it. i can't explain to you how i felt after this was over with. i felt like i could cry for 5 days straight. i hated that she had to go through that and the pain that went along with it. i haven't felt like that since she was 5 days old and circumstances led us to a horrid hospital visit. 8 years of her life going through things that normal kids do, but last night, i wanted so badly to be able to take that experience away from her and put it on me. (i'm still teary eyed).

she was pretty miserable for about an hour after the procedure, then bounced back like nothing had ever happened. when i was putting her to bed last night i told her how sorry i was that she had to go through that and that i wish i could have taken the pain away from her. i was crying a bit and she looked at me and said "it's ok mommy. it's over with now...i feel fine!" then comes the part where you realize that your child is stronger than you are over a situation. wow.

what a bizarre feeling.

so she woke up today feeling great and back to her old self again and all is forgotten. she was pretty excited that the tooth fairy left her $2.00 though. she said she must have left her more since it hurt her and she had to have her tooth pulled. what a toot. :)

so now i'm bucking up because i now realize that as she is getting older, situations like these could possibly happen a little more frequently. maybe it's the fact that she remembers the pain now and remembers the experiences, as when she was a baby, she doesn't remember things as much. i have along road ahead of me. give me the strength.

~ Happy Beading ~

this may be a spoiler for some folks that i have made christmas presents for....but i couldn't wait to post, because i have my first necklace for sale now on ebay. :)

i met with the sweet ms. dandelion seeds a little over a month ago for some beading fun. she taught me the how to's and ever since, i've been a beading fool. i LOVE it and have found a real knack for it.

listing is HERE.

i named this piece ~ Autumn's Breath ~ ..... i was so tempted to keep it for myself, but i want to start sharing my creations with other people. :)

i also created a myspace page to display all of my creations : you can check it out HERE.

Our new addition

i'm so excited about our new addition to our little family. :)

the ladybug and i have adopted a little kitten. her name is isabella or as we call her "bella". i finally got her to sit still for a few minutes this weekend so i could snap some pictures of her. she's 11 weeks old and the sweetest thing ever. hopefully my allergies will not consume me...ha! happy christmas to the ladybug! :)

Flashback Friday : Volume 13

today i have one of my all-time favorite bands : the cocteau twins. i absolutely am in love with elizabeth fraser's voice...from the moment i heard it for the very first time. saw them in concert once - mid 90's at deep ellum live. what a show it was. not many people are even familiar with the band, much less any of their songs. so, if this is you, i encourage you to buy a cd....buy songs for itunes....whatever. take a listen...you won't be sorry.

i will leave you with two videos for the flashback friday today :

1st : "carolyn's fingers"

2nd : "iceblink luck"

Sooooooooooo......yah.

after a few hours of fighting with my insomnia the other night (which i'm so shocked that i have had since work has been STRESSSSSSSSING me to the max), i caved in and turned the tube on. strange days was on. i forgot what a freakin BAD-ARSE movie this is. not to mention, angela bassett looking mighty tasty. whew. anyway...drifting from my point here.

i started to drift off a bit towards the end and when the credits came up being in a semi-conscious daze that i was in, this song took me to another world. i knew once the male voice rode in on this song that it was none other than peter gabriel. fucking genious he is. i rank him up with sting with all the genres and all the different musical accomplishments they have both made in their lives. ol' petey does, however, have one bad mark on his record being linked to rosanna arquette and all, but hey, i'll forgive him for that - it was a long time ago...and besides, he got a hit song out of it. ;-)

the song is called "while the earth sleeps" by deep forest and peter gabriel. this is how i saw/heard it:



but close your eyes and feel it.

--------------------------------------------

i have a surprise for ya'll, but have to get pictures first, so i will post the surprise soon :)

Priceless

Jeep purchase : $15,000 on debit mastercard


Maintenance / Accessories : $1,000 on debit mastercard


Breaking apart your 1985 jam box and duct taping the speakers to the sides of your jeep for the ultimate pimped out sound system : PRICELESS






(yes, this is an actual Jeep in the parking garage at my place of employment. i'm not making this up folks)

Flashback Friday : Volume 12

aloha kiddies.

don't have much time to yammer today, but today's flashback friday is a tune from another one of my fav bands - new order. beautifully written song called "regret". enjoy. happy friday!



(ps. for a little giggle, check out this live video of "regret" that i found when searching - apparently at the scene of baywatch. haha!)

"Beautiful"

this song made me feel great this morning, so i thought i'd share:

g. love w/ tristan prettyman

Oh, yah...we are at war because...uh...uh...i forgot.

THIS really just makes me want to hurl.

gee....didn't see that one comin. (notice the sarcasm) what a fucking douchebag.

The Grieving Process

how long should the grieving process last? there are many things you can grieve over. the death of a loved one....a pet....the loss of a significant other leaving your life...the loss of a job....etc.

everyone handles grief and loss differently. for me, it hits me hard & head on, then almost immediately, i start the healing process. why? because we only have this one life to live...we can't spend the rest of our lives grieving over something that we've lost. we have to make the most of what we have and try and move on with our lives....to a new chapter. i didn't always feel this way. i would feel sorry for myself and crawl into a small hole for however long of a period of time and just mope. and waste away. not anymore. however, i haven't experienced the death of a child or a parent. i might feel differently or handle that loss completely different.

it's reaching 2 months since the initial "breakup". i grieved a lot for weeks on end. i was miserable. my spirits were eventually lifted when hope was brought back to me. that hope got taken away from me 2 weeks and 3 days ago. i was very very upset, but prepared in a sense. because i had already been through a grieving process the month prior.

people tend to judge other people in how long someone should grieve. ie: husband dies of 30 years to wife. wife is remarried within a year of his passing and already started a new life.

is that too soon?

personally, i tend to try to look at it from this perspective: everyone's situation is different, but WHO AM I TO JUDGE from an outside perspective? how do i know this person's situation? how do i know that her dying husband told her on his death bed to promise to move on with her life immediately and experience all she can to the fullest? hmmmm....that's something to think about.

you may never fully complete a grief process for the death of someone close to you or losing the love of your life (not to death, but to situation).

but i think the point is to not let your life completely stop. you have to allow yourself happiness in this life and you have to allow yourself to move on from your heartache. you are allowed to carry it with you and keep it close to your heart without it overcoming your being. you are allowed to carry that person with you in your heart until the day you die....but still be able to experience joy.

my hardcore grief process has come to an end. i'm ready to move on. i miss him very much, but i'm also not going to let his decision in this put a halt on my life. i have to move on...and search for that person that compliments me. to search for the soulmate that i thought was him? maybe he is that person....but i can not force that upon him when he is not willing to fight for us or when he has so many other deep seated issues that he needs to get through. i need to find my own happiness and my own path.....i have to be open to finding it again. i can't be closed off in that sense.

i recently read someone's view on the perfect mate. they weren't sure if they believed in such because people are constantly changing. and i never thought of it this way, but it was something that made me ponder the meaning. and i got it.

so here i am releasing my grief and moving on to the next chapter of my life. and just in time for the new year ahead.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

i remembered reading this and had to go back and find it. i found it very helpful:


DAILY OM
October 4, 2007
Stronger For It
Mending A Broken Heart

Heartbreak happens to all of us and can wash over us
like a heavy rain. When experiencing a broken
heart, our ethereal selves are saturated with grief,
and the overflow is channeled into the physical
body. Loss becomes a physical emptiness, and
longing is transmuted into a feeling that often
cannot be put into words. Mending a broken heart
can seem a task so monumental that we dare not
attempt it for fear of damaging ourselves further.
But heartbreak, like all emotions, falls under the
spell of our conscious influence.

Often the pain that wounds us most deeply also
leaves the most enduring mark upon us. The shock
that becomes the tender, throbbing ache of the
heart eventually leads us down the path of
enlightenment, blessing our lives with a new depth
and richness.

Acknowledging heartbreak's impermanence by no
means dulls its sting for it is the sting itself that
stimulates healing. The pain is letting us know that
we need to pay attention to our emotional selves,
to sit with our feelings and be in them fully before
we can begin to heal. It is said that time heals all
wounds. Time may dull the pain of a broken heart,
but it is fully feeling your pain and acknowledging
it that will truly help you heal. Dealing with your
heartache in a healthy way rather than putting it
off for tomorrow is the key to repair. Gentleness
more than anything else is called for. Most
important, open yourself to the possibility of
loving, trusting, and believing again. When,
someday soon, you emerge from the cushion of
your grief, you will see that the universe did not
cease to be as you nursed your broken heart. You
emerge on the other side of the mending, stronger
for all you have experienced.

Before I forget.....

i wanted to thank my sweet dandelion seed for bestowing this sweet little award upon me.



love ya sista.

Flashback Friday : Volume 11 (and 100th post)

this is my 100th post guys - wow. a little over a year and 100 posts. groovy.

today, i am dedicating this Flashback Friday to someone who has had MAJORLY HUGE influence on me personally. i would consider her one of my heroes and my mentors. listening to her music and following her since high school has helped me through some tremultuous times in my life....as well as some good times. over the years, her style in music has changed from dark and obscure and sometimes angry to STILL obscure, yet more peaceful and uplifting.

ms. tori amos.

today, i give you guys the video for "baker, baker" from 1994's album "under the pink". this was a life-changing album for me and saw me through a very rough time in my life. i give you the live version off of the tonight show in 1994....

thank you tori for being such an inspiration and such an amazingly strong woman.

Ron Paul

i don't usually speak much politics on my blog.....it got me into some trouble once even though this is MY blog to vent as i please....anyway....beside the point....i'm going to say a little something about who i will be voting for in 2008. Dr. Ron Paul.

most people that know me know that i can not stand (being nice here) the current *person* who is in office at the moment and all of his loyal followers that work alongside him.

i never got into politics too much....until roughly about 6 years ago when shit started hitting the preverbial fan. i started doing my research and started to really get concerned as to what the hell was going on in the government world.

i voted for the first time for anything in the presidential election of 2000. i voted for ralph nader - not because i thought he would win...but because i wanted to try and help in the vote to increase the percentage in order for the green party to start receiving federal funding. meh. that didn't happen by several percent.

i voted again in 2004. knowing and thinking that all the other candidates were worth a piece of shit, but just voting for the "other guy" to try and get fuck-face out of office. of course that didn't work.

i'm not familiar with prior presidencies really that occurred in my life time with the exception of clinton and bush sr. and with both of them, i didn't pay much attention, so i have no opinion on either of them to be honest. because i didn't care. which is a VERY bad attitude to take being in this country. and not caring and going along with the sheeple, that's just what we get. for not having a voice of our own.

i'm jumping in this time around. for once, now that i actually care....am doing my research and worry about the future of this country for myself, my daughter and for my unborn grandchildren (who may or may not come about), but IN THEORY...you get the idea.

i am by no means going to be making this a political blog. that's not what this is about for me....BUT when i have something to say...i'm going to say it goddamn it. and i'm not going to be afraid to say what i feel or who i'm going to vote for and why. because i now have my reasons from doing my own work and finding out what i can about these subjects at hand.

all politicians are crooks and liars...we all know that. but for once, i finally think there is someone who is actually worthy of running for the presidency and who i think would benefit our country more than any other candidate could.

and i can honestly say that i am actually surprising myself because i have completely pulled a fast one and will be voting for someone in a party that i NEVER felt i believed in. but he's different. in my eyes, he shouldn't belong to any "party". we have become so divided as a nation in the war of the parties anyway. so i won't look at it that way.

i'm voting for him as the best individual i think that will be up for the task at hand. not because he could be a republican...or a democrat or an independent, etc....but because i believe in what he stands for.

let me also preface this by saying that i don't believe in EVERYTHING that he believes in. some things i feel i am more liberal on....but in general, i think he has the right ideas and the right state of mind to go into a presidency for the american people.

these are the things about ron paul that drew me in and made me think : wow, this guy's onto something:

1. he voted AGAINST the war from day one and is STILL against it now and is ready to bring the troops home.

"It's time American soldiers quit being killed and it's time for us to quit killing a lot of other people who have not attacked us" - Ron Paul

2. he believes in going back to the way of restoring The Constitution. what this country was founded upon. we have swayed too far away.

"The moral and constitutional obligations of our representatives in Washington are to protect our liberty, not coddle the world, precipitating no-win wars, while bringing bankruptcy and economic turmoil to our people." - Ron Paul

3. he has NEVER voted to increase our taxes & wants to abolish the IRS.


4. he has been and will be fighting for OUR FREEDOM.

"I don't want us to worry about the borders between North and South Korea and between Iraq and Syria, I want to worry about our own border." - Ron Paul

5. he doesn't believe we should police the world - less government = more freedom.

6. he believes in a more conservative nationwide government, but a more liberal statewide government.

7. he voted AGAINST the patriot act.

8. he is working hard to protect our civil liberties.


SAY NO TO WAR, AMNESTY AND TAXES. SAY YES TO LIMITED GOVERNMENT, SECURE BORDERS AND LIBERTY.


i do not say these things to sway anyone's beliefs or their votes. why i posted this is so you can all see with your own eyes that if i can do the research, so can you. i do ask that everyone i know PLEASE make an informed decision this time around. our country is in serious termoil and needs a complete revamping. and whomever you vote for, believe they can do the job and make an educated choice. don't be one of the sheep.

Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious

pardon for the lack of posting lately guys. for a number of reasons that you could probably care less about : work has been hectic...haven't felt very creative...my thoughts are too muttled inside me noggin. but you know....why am i sorry really? nothing to be sorry about. it just is.

meh.

thanksgiving was ok. nothing special, but got to have a nice dinner with a few family members at a cafeteria here. that's why it was "ok". but quite honestly, thanksgiving isn't too huge of a deal for me - hasn't ever really been. i probably shouldn't say that and should be more blessed and thankful for what we have because of our forefathers, but why do we have a DAY to do that? i know i know...we have to stop and truly be thankful. so really i'm just talking out of my ass and making excuses. shame on me. next year, i plan on not having a thanksgiving feast and volunteering at a shelter or something of the sort to help feed the homeless. that to me will make it more meaningful.




a lot of the holiday was spent playing ungodly amounts of games of uno. (specifically "harry potter" uno) with The Ladybug (the bebe). the weather was too wretched to do anything other than stay inside in your safe and cozy bungalo. it did snow on thanksgiving for about 2 minutes. which around here is WHOA - a huge amount. ha



i also got to see August Rush. this was such an amazingly beautiful film. if you haven't seen it yet, you must go check out this movie. it's definitely one you want to own, but to get the full effect of the music in this movie, you MUST go see it in the theater first. i won't talk to much about it since i'm sure a lot of people out there haven't seen it and i don't want to spoil too much....just know that you won't be sorry you went and saw this. it literally makes you look at life a little differently every day.

Because it makes work fun

Laura says:
have you ever noticed that the closing dept has a stinch of puberty / testostrone to it?
Laura says:
yuk
Laura says:
like a teenage boys bedroom
St. German says:
ummmm
St. German says:
no
St. German says:
you have a wierd nose
St. German says:
what is my "smell"?
St. German says:
ass?
St. German says:
lmao
Laura says:
lol
Laura says:
nooooooooooooo
St. German says:
they are all like 20 over there
St. German says:
running the place
Laura says:
i have a super sensitive nose
St. German says:
and im the old lady
St. German says:
working as a f'ing assistant
Laura says:
that's why it smells like a teenage boys bedroom
Laura says:
duh
Laura says:
you know what i mean when you smell something and it smells like "recess" from when you were a kid?
St. German says:
yessss
Laura says:
see i'm not that weird
St. German says:
katlin sometimes smells like cafeteria/sweat
Laura says:
lol
Laura says:
or like when you walk into subway and pick up your order and you walk out with that "subway" smell
Laura says:
fresh baked bread
Laura says:
lol
St. German says:
um well you smell stuff nobody else would
St. German says:
sweet
St. German says:
so if i walk into a room full of midgets, will i smell like one?
Laura says:
yes, i know. i am a little weird then. just a little.
St. German says:
casue that would be AWESOME
Laura says:
LOL midgets don't smell
St. German says:
yeah
St. German says:
well thats why i like you
St. German says:
they dont?
St. German says:
i smell but midgets dont?
Laura says:
dummy - they don't have a "certain smell"
Laura says:
like the closing dept - if you walked back there for 30 minutes and walked back out you would probably smell like a teenage boys room too
St. German says:
thats hot
Laura says:
that would make me throw up in my mouth
Laura says:
a LOT
St. German says:
i want to smell like a hot teen boy
Laura says:
lol you are a freak show
Laura says:
i am so putting this convo in my blog. you are gonna be a celebrity again.
St. German says:
SWEEEEET
St. German says:
I will have to start doing autographs
if you keep it up
St. German says:
and i can charge $5 each
St. German says:
then pay my horrific speeding ticket
St. German says:
and go into midget porn
St. German says:
then i will smell like a sexy midget
Laura says:
um...yahhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Laura says:
haha

One Love

Everytime I hear this song, I feel a warmth and overjoyed....so I thought I would share this morning. How can you not just feel completely uplifted everytime you hear this song...no matter where you are....or when. Because in the greater scheme of things, we truly are "one"...all of us....united as one.

(p.s....there will be no Flashback Friday this week you guys - I have a 4 day weekend, so I won't be posting after today - sorry - but I want to wish everyone a joyous thanksgiving spent with family and friends - may love surround you)

"Almost Lover"

Picking up the pieces

my weekend was a complete roller coaster. i wrote about it on my myspace blog and i may cut and paste it later to here, but i definitely don't feel like reiterating what happened over the weekend.

there is one thing that i am TRULY excited about that i did yesterday that's now going to become a really healthy and good thing for me, but i can't broadcast it yet. i will after the holidays are over.

other than that, not too much to say today. last year i became OBSESSED with sarah mclachlan's album - "wintersong" around the holidays. well....it's happening again. i absolutely adore her. have for so long and still do to this day. so i will leave you with the song that has been on continuous play for me in one form or another for several days.

"River"

Happy Birthday, DK

i had to make a birthday post for one of my most favorite jazz vocalists alive today. i adore her. she's ever so sultry and seductive and beautiful and sexy. (and still to this day, i'm baffled by the attraction to elvis costello, but hey....they make a cute couple in a twisted sort of way)

happy birthday, diana krall!

Flashback Friday : Volume 10

for those of you that know me, know i am a Depeche Mode FREAK to say the least. i'm surprised i haven't done a post for them yet on my flashback fridays, so today i give you 2. (since i skipped last week also - sorry - i'm slackin guys)

even if you aren't a HUGE fan of DM, if you've ever seen them live, you have to admit they put on an amazing show. (i should know, i've seen them live 7 times :) )

"Never Let Me Down Again"



"Black Celebration" live in Prague 2001

Nu Monia

for those of you that didn't know, i have pneumonia. YUK.

i was diagnosed wednesday evening and i've been almost bed-ridden since. so i'm still here, but i haven't felt like posting. it will probably be another few days before i'm up and about and feeling back to normal again, so bear with me.

happy week, all!

Each Coming Night

I'd like to take you this morning on a somber journey and let us remember our ancestors who lived through this horrible, trying time in america - the great depression.

8 Things : I got tagged

hip momma tagged me.

8 things I’m passionate about:

1. my daughter
2. my friends & family
3. music
4. soccer
5. reading
6. bettering myself
7. living more naturally
8. my self worth

8 things I want to do before I die:

1. see my baby girl grow into the beautiful woman she will become
2. travel, travel, travel as much as i can
3. get out of debt (which hopefully will allow me to do #2)
4. get married
5. own a house again
6. get back in shape
7. spend as much time with my loved ones as i can
8. feel accomplished

8 things I say often:

1. i love you
2. woop - boosh (don't ask)
3. shibby
4. word to your mama
5. um....i can't think of anymore (i'm say goofy things around my daughter and sister a lot - it's all her fault you know....i really am intelligent sometimes :-p )
6.
7.
8.

8 Books I’ve read recently (or am still reading):

1. The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini
2. Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs: A Low-Culture Manifesto by Chuck Klosterman
3. Map of Bones by James Rollins
4. The Hiram Key by Knight/Lomas
5. HP : 6 by JK Rowling
6. Angels and Demons by Dan Brown
7. Secrets of the Code by Dan Burstein
8. constantly reading the HUD Handbook 4155.1 for work

8 Songs I Could Listen to Over and Over (And do!)

1. Little Wing by Jimi Hendrix
2. Each Coming Night by Iron & Wine
3. anything by Dave Matthews (been doing a lot of that lately)
4. Zebra by John Butler Trio
5. Corcovado by Stan Getz
6. Baker Baker by Tori Amos
7. Keep It Loose, Keep It Tight by Amos Lee
8. Out of Touch by Hall and Oates

8 Things that Attract Me to My Best Friends:

1. we are there for each other through thick and thin
2. we accept each other for everything that we are without judgment
3. they are so much fun!
4. we can do "nothing" and still have the best time
5. they are my world
6. the little things
7. the i love yous
8. the happiness & differences that each of them bring to my life


i'm not tagging anyone because last time i tried, no one played along, so if you feel like playing, please do :)

Pepe Le Pewwwwww

so um, yah. we are sitting here at work on the 9th floor workin away when all of a sudden this HORRID smell comes through the air vents. smelled of a mixture of skunk and fire.

our VP immediately tells us all the go downstairs until they find out what it is...he was afraid it was a natural gas leak.

so we all pour into the elevators and the stairwells and get the hell out of dodge.

spend a few minutes down on the 1st floor - amazingly enough we were the only floor evacutatd AND you couldn't even smell it down there. they tell us it's just a skunk and we can go back up. WTF? how does a skunk get to the 9th floor and only the 9th floor of a building.

so roughly about 30 minutes later, we get this email from the receptionist:

"Building management stopped by. They explained that pest control was trying to track down a skunk and OBVIOUSLY upset it, causing it to spray this awful smell directly into the fresh air intake…so there you have it. Have a wonderful and fresh afternoon."

fooking awesome.

"fresh air intake"? you know what?

i don't even want to know.

i'm gonna smell AWESOME after i leave work today. good thing i don't have a hot date or something. haha - kidding.

peace out my blog friends.

Today's Friday giggle

well, actually it's from yesterday, but i didn't see it until today, so deal....

Organic Batter Blaster via Metafilter post