Songs of Faith and Devotion

i wanted to share something with my readers today. for those of you that know me personally, you know that music is a HUGE part of my life. music moves me in ways that nothing else on this earth can. music has helped me out of the darkest days of my life and also led me through the happiest moments in my life. and still does to this day. i have a very wide range of music tastes and have a list of musicians and music that have played a very big part in my life. if you were to ask me who my all time favorite band is that has had the most influence on me - it would be depeche mode. i have followed them since i was in junior high and been a devotional (no pun intended with the title) fan of theirs from the first time i heard the album "catching up with depeche mode". i still have this cassette tape. i've seen them in concert more than 10 times (i've lost count) and will continue to see them every chance i get.

i saw this tour in 1993 at a very tough time in my life. i was dating a very abusive guy who was 8 years older than me at the time and i remember going to this show with him. i was 17 then. i adored this album and at that time, i was struggling with my faith. something i have done since as far back as i can remember. i was lost for a very long time. i believed in God, i didn't believe in God, i believed in "something"...i was always questioning and so confused. i always believe there was something there - i never considered myself athiest...but i always considered myself agnostic.

it wasn't until a few years ago that my faith truly started coming to me. that i was finally building a relationship with God. i continue to build that relationship daily with Him/Her. i have written a few times in this blog about my search and i'm sure there will be other posts in the future.

when i say i adore this album, i did. but i could never explain why. and in listening to the songs, i never really "got" them. i was driving home from work the other day, flipping through my cds and i found this album. i thought to myself that i hadn't heard it in so long and decided to pop it in the cd player. it has been in there on repeat since. i've probably listened to it atleast 8 times all the way through. i didn't realize until now the effect the words and the music had on me in this album until right now. it's funny when you've listened to something for so long and loved it, but it doesn't bring a deeper meaning until you least expect it.

every single song on this album is phenomenal. i did, however want to share with you all a few of the songs that move me the most. i am going to share a few videos from the devotional tour dvd that depeche mode put out and add the lyrics for you. i hope you enjoy them as well.

Depeche Mode - Higher Love




I can taste more than feel
This burning inside is so real
I can almost lay my hands upon
The warm glow that lingers on

Moved, lifted higher
Moved, my soul's on fire
Moved, by a higher love

I surrender all control
To the desire that consumes me whole
Leads me by the hand to infinity
Lies in wait at the heart of me

Moved, lifted higher
Moved, my soul's on fire
Moved, by a higher love

Heaven bound on the wings of love
There's so much that you can rise above

Moved, lifted higher
Moved, moved, by a higher love
By a higher love

I surrender heart and soul
Sacrificed to a higher goal

Moved, moved by a higher love
By a higher love
----------------------

Depeche Mode - Judas



Is simplicity best
Or simply the easiest
The narrowest path
Is always the holiest
So walk on barefoot for me
Suffer some misery
If you want my love
If you want my love

Man will survive
The harshest conditions
And stay alive
Through difficult decisions
So make up your mind for me
Walk the line for me
If you want my love
If you want my love

Idle talk
And hollow promises
Cheating Judases
Doubting Thomases
Don't just stand there and shout it
Do something about it

You can fulfill
Your wildest ambitions
And I'm sure you will
Lose your inhibitions
So open yourself for me
Risk your health for me
If you want my love
If you want my love
If you want my love
If you want my love
-------------

Depeche Mode - Mercy In You



You know what I need
When my heart bleeds
I suffer from greed
A longing to feed
On the mercy in you

I can't conceal
The way I'm healed
The pleasure I feel
When I have to deal
With the mercy in you

I would do it all again
Lose my way and fall again
Just so I could call again
On the mercy in you

When here in my mind
I feel inclined
To wrongly treat you unkind
I have faith I will find
The mercy in you

I would lose my way again
Be led hopelessly astray again
Just so I could pray again
For the mercy in you

When here in my mind
I have been blind
Emotionally behind
I have faith I will find
The mercy in you

Blue Like Jazz

"nonreligious thoughts on christian spirituality" by donald miller


i wasn't going to make a post about this until i finished reading it, but i've decided to go ahead and do so.


a little bit of background on myself....i was raised in a methodist home and went to sunday school and church with my parents for most of my elementary and jr. high years. high school i was completely rebellious and hated the institution of church, so i managed to weasel my way out of going most of the time.

since my high school years i have been in a constant struggle where my spirituality is concerned. some days i believe in "god" and other days i just don't. and i'm still that way. i tend to have more of a belief in humanity. and more of a spiritual connection with mother nature or a goddess....in more sense of a paganism type belief....or even something along the lines of buddhism. if you were to ask me if i were a christian, my first answer to you would be absolutely not. but sometimes i tend to have "christian" beliefs.

so all in all, i'm confused...yes i know....BUT i also think i am stronger of a person than most christian sheep because i tend to question ALL THE TIME. if it's not tangible...it's hard for me to really believe. why am i like that with god, but i certainly believe in extra-terrestrials and ghosts and other unexplained phenomenon....why do i not give into "god"?

it's a constant battle within myself and i am at a point in my life that i hope i can find some sort of path or direction. because this has been going on for over 15 years now. i feel like i'm missing something inside myself....some part of my soul is not connected as it should be to whatever it is that i truly believe in.

my father is the most amazing man i have ever met in my entire life. he's one of the most selfless human beings and mild mannered and so caring. and he is a christian. he is very active in his church (the church that we had gone to since i was a very small girl). and in my eyes, a true christian. what a christian should be....not a pseudo christian or a poser christian. *example: cough - what our president claims to be* and believe me, i have encounted wayyyy too many of those folks in my life. enough to push me away from that faith in general. my dad understands the struggles of my beliefs and spirituality i've had in my life. he's even given me articles of spirituality that he thought might help me...that might guide me.

so when i was over at my folks house about 2 weeks ago, he gives me this book to read and is just raving about it and thinks that i will be able to relate to it very well. i am reluctant, but i take it anyway and decide that i will read it to see what it's all about.

when i first opened the book, the first 20 pages or so were almost a few moments of "eye rolling" to me. like i stated...it's hard for me to get into the "god" thing....and donald miller talks about god. alot. it's a book about god. and about jesus. and connecting with them on YOUR own level. and about how he dislikes the institution of church or institutions in general and the struggles he's gone through in his life as a christian, but swaying from the stigma of a christian as most people in the world view it.

after i got past my general reluctance to the book and really started to get into it and as the pages unfolded, i found myself really letting in what he was saying. i could relate to some of his struggles and some of his views on "christianity". i am now 3/4's of the way through the book - actually a bit more -but the pages i read last night were the ones that i truly connected with. when he talks about not fitting in at a certain church he goes to or most churches for that matter. he joins a church that a friend of his opens in portland called imago-dei. the church they started was small in numbers, but eventually grew into a huge community. and community is a major thing with them. they had a very diverse congregation....hippies, artists, just your general "non-conformists". i truly connected with this. and i thought....i wonder if there are any imago-dei type churches in my area? i wouldn't mind going to a church like this just to experience it and see if it calls to me. another thing that donald talks about is finding a church that god sends you to. the one he knows that's right for you. and maybe i'm starting to hear his calling now. maybe reading this book has become a first step for me to actively go out and find this part of my soul that is missing. this connection that i need to find with god...or with jesus....or with the goddess....or whomever it may be. i almost feel a little less tense today.

my dad knows me a lot better than i thought he did. when i talked to him a couple of days ago he had asked if i had gotten to the part that they are in portland yet. and i hadn't. and as i was reading, i knew this was the section of the book that he was talking about. i realized that he knew that this part of the book would be calling to me. and it is.

so with all of this said, i am going to finish up this book this weekend and start actively seeking my own spirituality and my own connection with my belief. it's funny because i had a discussion with the davish one about a year ago - a very long, drawn out, philosophical discussion about this same thing. i wanted to go on a search....visit some churches...find my path. i didn't follow through with it because i lost the focus, the desire. i think i lost the focus because it just wasn't time for me. reading this book has jarred something inside of me and i now realize it's time to go on my own journey. and i couldn't be more excited.

so dad, thank you. i love you.

p.s. you can read some excerpts from the book here if you are interested.