Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Heartbroken

image courtesy of photobucket

please excuse my rawness and possible manic ranting in this post, but i view this as part of my healing process, so well...here goes nothin. again....i apologize for the mere craziness of this post.

my love and i broke up yesterday. i will leave all the history out of this post, but just know we have been through A LOT together - from a drug and alcohol addiction to money issues to issues with children and ex's. it's been a roller coaster ride literally. we decided in november to give it one more shot. with all of the issues out of the way, we wanted to start a new. things were great. i truly thought things were going to work out this time. it's unfortunate how hard it is to get past some things at times. i had an underlying trust issue that was never quite resolved. we have struggled with them this whole time. it's been a slight issue, but i think i've managed pretty well with it. it seemed to be getting better.

things have been a little "off" for the past month and a half or so. let me preface with the fact that my now ex is a musician and is travelling most of the time. he's not home a whole lot, but we did live together and were sharing our lives together when he was at home and off the road. things haven't seemed right for a little while. we've gotten into a few spats and fixed them. we went on vacation to new orleans and had a wonderful time. as soon as we got home, something happened. someone from his past got into contact with him and he lied to me about it. it was bad. we got into it and things haven't been right for a week. he was out of town this past weekend and got back sunday night exhausted and very distant. i left for work yesterday morning - he was still asleep. he sent a text message to me yesterday morning saying we needed to have a serious talk about everything. i immediately called him. i could hear in his voice what was about to happen. it was a short conversation. i finished all my work - i left - went home and as i suspected everything of his was out of the apartment and the key under the mat. couldn't get a hold of him via text message or phone call.

got to the computer to check my email and his email was still up - he hadn't logged out. well...what did i find? of course communication between him and this "ex girlfriend" for whom he wrote a song about - stupid me thinking it was just a song about a girl...from his past. emails to her at the beginning of july saying how he had dreamed about her all night and couldn't stop thinking about her and that he will always love her. return emails from her stating how she will always love him and misses him. and then of course a more recent email entitled "for you" with a link to a youtube video of him playing his song he wrote for her and addressing it to her.

i'm crushed.

i'm so so so so so very angry and my heart is broken into so many pieces. AGAIN, i am 2nd. it seems like i have been in way too many situations where i have been 2nd choice. i am tired of being that person. and when you are that person for so long, you almost feel like you will be that way forever. but i know i don't deserve that. no one deserves that.

i am not blaming him for the demise of this relationship. i certainly have not been perfect - no one is. i had my role and i've made mistakes and said or done things that i'm not necessarily proud of.

but this by far is the ultimate betrayal.

so here i am in a whirlwind of emotions i go from a slight tear to fierce anger. i didn't sleep a wink last night - had major crazy dreams about his family last night as well. it was bizarre.

and to top it off there are kids involved. not "ours" together but mine and his. and they have become so close.

i can't believe he just up and left. no communication - no nothing. he did this once before to me but we had been through the "why" of it and the promise of it never happening again that i truly thought it wouldn't. and here we are.

no more chances...no more tries. no more making up. i am washing my hands completely of him from my life and starting the healing process. i know it's not as bad as in previous times because i've already been through it several times.

i know that i am going to focus solely for now on myself and on my daughter. i have put off so many things that i have wanted to do for myself and i plan to tackle them one at a time.

outdoor soccer season starts this sunday, so there's my first step. i'm looking forward to the intense running and sweating and releasing the toxins from my body...the emotional and physical ones.

sorry to be such a downer. i won't be any worse than this. it's all uphill from here. i have to go throw the motions AND the emotions and start my road to healing.

i am normally not such an open person about my personal life especially on here, but today, i felt i should be. that i needed to be.

i am thanking God for another day and asking him for the strength to guide me through this tough time in my life. better days are ahead.

*on a side and happy note, i would like to thank my sweet sweet soul sister, brandi for purchasing one of my necklaces from my etsy shop. you have no idea what the support means to me. check out her blog HERE and her photography HERE. she's such a creative and beautiful soul. thank you so much my darling. hugs and kisses to you.*

6 comments:

Edielu44 said...

oh...I'm just sick for you. I know we had a long talk this morning about this but you have been on my mind all day. I love you and I'm just so pissed that he hurt you. But you are strong and will be just fine cause you ROCK!!!!

Brandi Reynolds said...

smooches back sweetie. I know how it feels to be 2nd and it sucks. I'm here. That's all-I'm here.

Emerging From The Fire said...

Yikes! Wow. I am sooo sorry.

On a funny side note, I thought you had been dating Oceanshaman. Guess not!

I broke up with my guy too. *sob*

butterfly said...

thank you guys! i'm doing ok. taking it one day at a time.

Pamela said...

I'm so sorry this has happened. My heart goes out to you. I also know what it feels like to be 2nd..too many times. You are right about better days lying ahead. Take care and know that you are well loved.

f1trey said...

I thought the SRV thing was sad......this will teach me to scroll down...Im sorry......Check out my blog...relationship based ..at least its not about the break up ......