Sunday, September 28, 2014

Anger and Resentment

I am feeling very angry and resentful today.  Towards my husband.

I mistakenly texted him these feelings which I will later owe him an amends for, but I am just so angry right now.

I am not perfect by any means nor have I ever portrayed this.

I know we are both hurting right now, but I feel as though I got the short end of the stick on this deal.

Throughout our relationship, we've tended to have more struggles than contentment.  But I have loved this man for so long and wanted nothing more than to marry him.

The addiction has hovered over our entire relationship and our marriage.  Despite it all, I have stuck by him.  I dealt with the crisis' the best I knew how.  I wasn't working a program and I didn't have the tools to help me, so my life became his.  His addictions.  Alcoholism and drug addiction is a family disease.  And when you are the wife of one, it becomes your life.

I used to blame him because I didn't understand.  I would become angry and say things I didn't mean because I didn't know any different.

I suppose what I said to him today reverted back to that old behavior, but I have made progress, not perfection.  Nor will it ever be perfection.

I took a vow to my husband and to God in front of our family and friends that I took seriously.  To this day, my husband still believes that I cheated on him and did things behind his back while he was using.

I remained 1,000% faithful to my husband.  My vows I took seriously.

He did not.  He blames me now for the way I acted and treated him while he was sick and he's justifying his new "relationship" with this 21 year old by blaming the demise of our marriage on me and my actions.

Dear God, I know I am not perfect like I said, but I am also a good person with a good heart and good morals.

Our relationship has become more toxic and more toxic.  Even in this separation I think.  I am sick to think that he's shacked up with this other girl - and yes, I say girl, because she's not a woman - she's 21 fucking years old.  The committee in my mind automatically goes there and goes to that dark place.  They spend all of their time together.  And he had the balls to tell me he thought we could be "friends".  I'm all about the peace and love ideal, but friends?!?  Seriously, right now?  All he's doing is justifying his actions by saying our marriage was over a long time ago.

I knew in my gut what was going on before we even separated.  He tried to convince me otherwise.

I feel like a fool right now.  Like I've been lied to, used and a freaking stepping stone.

The difference now is that I have a program and people I can reach out to who have been in my shoes.  Who know EXACTLY what I have been through and what I'm going through.  The difference now is that I feel these feelings, but I am able to get over it quicker.

I'm making progress.

But that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt like hell or that I don't get angry as hell like I am today.

The saddest part is that he's not even sober anymore.  I wish I could blame it on HIM, but this fucking disease is controlling his life again and leading him down  a path of these bad choices.

I probably shouldn't really be posting this to my blog...I may take it down, but for now, it's helping me.

It's helping me to type this out and to not be so angry.  To understand that the disease is back in full force again.  I feel bad for texting him out of anger now.  So be it, I will get over it and clean my side of the street when the time comes.

He's still my husband though and this fucking sucks.  I love him beyond any words can express and have stuck by him through it all and I feel like he's now thrown it away for a blonde 21 year old.  Although I know it's not the blonde 21 year old - it's the disease.  But she's still real.  And she's taken my husband and his heart.

Saturday, September 27, 2014

Thanks For Sharing

So I just moved into the current age and finally got Netflix a few weeks ago.  I have seen some really great movies already that I hadn't seen or had forgotten about that I wanted to see.

I thought this one might be interesting, so I sat down to watch.  Movies written and performances such as this are phenomenal.  I tend to like the "not so well-known" movies like these.  I guess I could just call them Indie films.  I suppose that's what they are.

This movie was WOW.  I wasn't sure what it was going to be about, but I should have thought beyond the "Thanks For Sharing" title....

I will admit there were some scenes in the movie that made me a little uncomfortable, but it was also about issues that are real...and that happen in life.  That many of us are effected by in some way or another.

I don't want to give away too much in case some of my readers (that is if I have any) have not seen and would like to see it. 

If you HAVE seen it, feel free to comment and I would love to discuss the movie with you in the comments.

Thursday, September 25, 2014

"I'm Not The Only One" - Sam Smith

"I'm Not The Only One"

You and me, we made a vow
For better or for worse
I can't believe you let me down
But the proof's in the way it hurts

For months on end I've had my doubts
Denying every tear
I wish this would be over now
But I know that I still need you here

You say I'm crazy
'Cause you don't think I know what you've done
But when you call me baby
I know I'm not the only one

You've been so unavailable
Now sadly I know why
Your heart is unobtainable
Even though Lord knows you kept mine

You say I'm crazy
'Cause you don't think I know what you've done
But when you call me baby
I know I'm not the only one

I have loved you for many years
Maybe I am just not enough
You've made me realize my deepest fear
By lying and tearing us up

[Chorus 2x:]
You say I'm crazy
'Cause you don't think I know what you've done
But when you call me baby
I know I'm not the only one

I know I'm not the only one
I know I'm not the only one
And I know...
I know I'm not the only one

Same Smith - "I'm Not The Only One"

Stuck In Love

I saw this movie this past weekend and can not stop thinking about it and how brilliant it was. I had never heard of it, but started watching it on Netflix. It's very rare that movies have me feeling this way - like I could watch it over and over again and not get tired of it.

I think I might have to watch it again this weekend :)

Not to mention, quite a lovely song is in the soundtrack.

Edward Sharpe And The Magnetic Zeros - "Home"

A Cup O' Courage

So I dressed like a girl today. :)

Not that I usually DON'T dress like a girl - I do wear skirts quite a bit, but I actually have on a "girly" dress today and I feel....wait for it....pretty. I can actually say that "I feel pretty." I've had a pretty low self esteem since I can remember so for me to actually feel that way and say it outloud is kind of a big deal. i also have on cute shoes - says the flip-flop wearer :)

I figured I needed a couple of photos to capture the moment.

Tonight is a big night for me. I am a very grateful member of a program (which I will never name by name due to traditions, however, I may refer to this as "the program" or "my program" as it is a huge part of my life). Tonight I am chairing my first meeting. *YIKES*

I know I will be fine, but me + public speaking do not usually mesh well. I have always had a hard time speaking to people that I don't know (social anxiety), an even worse time sharing personal experience in front of multiple people, and the worst time actually being the center of attention speaking at a meeting. Introvert + social anxiety = pretty much sums me up. I've gotten better over the years and another good thing about this program is it forces me to get out of my comfort zone and actually open up. It's scary as hell, but it's saving my life.

People can always tell how nervous I am in these situations. My face usually gets all flushed along with my chest and I have a hard time looking at anyone. It is my goal to get to a place to where I no longer feel this way. Everyone is always a little nervous - that's human nature, but with practice, I hope to in time become more relaxed and at ease in these situations. And have the confidence in myself that I know I should have.

"I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear." ~ Nelson Mandela

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Insert Catchy Title Here - Hello??? *echo*

Wow, I haven't blogged in over 3 years I think?

Ok, that's not entirely true as I've had a private weight loss journal blog that I have kept for over a year, but let's be honest, it's really not the same thing. Maybe someday I will decide to share that.

I've decided to resurrect my blog.

Not sure if anyone is still out there, but I don't mind writing to the void.

So last 3 years in a married, life went on, problems, happiness, life went on, problems, happiness...yah get the point. Now separated from my husband since 8/5/14.

I have been a whirlwind of emotions the past couple of months to say the least. If there is an emotion to be felt, I have felt it. If not a million times over.

One thing that I always gravitate to when I am going through any sort of struggle in my life is music. It's always been my crutch and my go-to for all of life's problems.
I would consider myself an avid lover of music - of many different kinds of music and even a lot of obscure music. I would never consider myself a mainstream music listener. When things are going well in my life, I still love music and I still listen to things I enjoy. But when something has gone array in my life, it just goes deeper. I'm not sure I can put that into words, but hopefully some of you understand what I'm getting at when I say this.

I dig back into my cd collection (yes, I said cd collection) and pull out my go-to's. And I obsess on them. Some are the ones that got me through the last struggle and some are ones that got me through another tough time in my life previously.

One of these bands for me is REM. They played a HUGE role in my adolesence and shaping my music tastes. I have been listening to Automatic For The People and Out Of Time on repeat for the past 15 or so days. Did I just admit that? I mean, it's not EVERYTHING I have listened to, but I am obsessing over these albums.

I recently found out that someone that I knew a long time ago passed away a couple of years ago in a very tragic way. It got me to thinking about all of the music he turned me on to and that shaped my world at that time. These 2 albums were included in that list. You know the saying about people coming into your life for a reason and for a season - can't remember exactly how it goes...well sometimes those people that may not have been the BEST people in your life at the time leave you with something that you in-turn cherish later on in life. And for the music that he turned me onto that shaped who I am today, I truly thank him.

And I kid you not, as I type this "The Sidewinder Sleeps Tonight" is playing on the radio station I listen to - 91.7 KXT (if you don't believe me, check the playlist- 9/24 @ 1:40pm) I guess someone knew I was thinking of them and decided to throw me a sign ;)

Anyhoo, I don't consider myself as having a very good memory, but there are things and times in my life that really stand out. One of those was seeing REM at ACL fest many years ago. It was right after Johnny Cash had died and they played "Don't Go Back To Rockville" in his honor. That night they also played "Nightswimming" and "Find A River" - 2 of my all time favorite songs....not just by the band, but favorite songs in general. I remember the joy I felt at that show - it was so moving and just felt...magical.

So here I am, today, in the now. With REM and sweet memories.

REM - "Half A World Away"