Saturday, May 28, 2016
I laugh because it's true (atleast I can have a sense of humor about it), but in reality it's not so funny. And it's true as shit.
I have always been attracted to the broken. Because I'm a fixer. I'm a textbook Al-Anon. I have always been attracted to the artists, to the creatives, to the non-conventional. I love them. I am drawn to them like a magnet. And I know that will never change.
However, with every experience in life, you must learn something. If you don't, you're doing it wrong.
I've learned that I become easily co-dependent in relationships and completely offer 100% of myself to the other person. I lose myself in the process. I become completely selfless and everything I do is for them and to make sure they are taken care of or happy.
I first came to Al-Anon because of the effects of alcoholism in my life. But after being in the program for 2 years now, it's so much more than that. It's a way of life...not just in dealing with alcoholism, but in dealing with every single thing in life.
I didn't intend for this post to be about Al-Anon, but I can't help but bring it up in everything because it is such a huge part of my life.
So we know I gravitate towards the alcoholics and the addicts...because that's what I do. I'm good at it.
If you are an alcoholic, it doesn't necessarily mean you are a narcissist as well, however, they can go hand in hand.
I didn't really know anything about narcissism. All I knew is that it was someone who was self involved. Someone that was vain or constantly concerned about their appearance. I didn't really understand it though. I didn't know that it goes much deeper than that. I just assumed it was physical obsession of oneself. Boy, was I misinformed.
My ex husband was a narcissist. And my now ex is one as well. I knew they were both alcoholics, but had no idea there were narcissistic tendencies. Or that that was what it was/is. And it's easily hidden because they hide behind the façade of being selfless - that they are doing everything not for themselves, but for others - then it quickly turns and the ugly face of narcissism rears it's ugly head.
But the term has been brought up many times lately so I've been drawn to reading about it.
I recently read this article in The Huffington Post : The #1 Secret on How To Engage With A Narcissist.
The worst part about it all is that I finally have a program and no longer involve myself so deeply in the sicknesses and I know I am doing the right thing and have handled myself in a respectful and calm manner, yet the other person STILL manages to play the victim and to make me feel bad - and like I have been the horrible person and that I am the sole reason for the demise of our relationship. Why? Because it's engrained in me. Because feeling like that is engrained in me. For allowing someone to make me feel like that is engrained in me.
So I just have to continue to stick close to my program and to constantly reassure myself that I am doing the right thing for me and to continue to do the next right thing.
And I don't regret these experiences. I am solely responsible for my part I play in these relationships and for allowing myself to be a part of these relationships. But I do know that I am growing and I am learning. And I am becoming a stronger woman in having those experiences. So that hopefully the next time may be a little different.
Wednesday, May 25, 2016
I understand being stuck in this emotional bondage. I understand being obsessed with controlling a situation or a person, but I am no longer in that place. I have a recovery program that I work and stick close to that helps me from going down that road again.
It's hard knowing you are doing the right thing and having to be put in a situation to deal with someone who is stuck in a negative spiral attempting at every turn trying to suck you right down with them. And sometimes refusing to get sucked down just makes them act worse. But I continue to do the next right thing. I begin to have feelings of restlessness and irritability, but fortunately, I am able to turn it right back around.
I could look at my personal situation with a "woes me" attitude and be angry at people, places and things too. But guess what? I CHOOSE to make the best of my situation and my life and I choose to see the blessings. And I also choose my reaction to certain people and I also choose to protect myself and not get sucked into the sickness. Because I've been there. And today, I have a choice. I have a program that has saved my life. And it just goes to prove that I need it to survive. Because I deal with the sickness every single damn day. And I have to stay strong and focus on myself because if I'm not careful I can just as easily get sucked right back into it and make the situation even worse.
The worst place to be is not realizing that it's your own behavior and your own actions that are causing a situation and you choose to blame everyone and everything else EXCEPT for yourself. It's a vicious cycle. And I've been there. Unfortunately until you realize it and start to heal yourself and fix yourself, you will stay in this sick mindset eternally.
It's not my job to fix anyone else regardless of my situation. Sadly, this person is forever connected to me through circumstances outside of my control. But what I CAN control today is how I react to the sickness and that I can protect myself. No one can take away my serenity and happiness if I don't let them. I feel sad for people still stuck in this sickness....but again, today, I choose not to participate.
I can only pray that this person will get the desperate help they need and begin to heal.
Wednesday, May 18, 2016
I am currently in a very stressful situation personally and am being confronted with behaviors that are very unhealthy and very troublesome by a certain individual that will be forever in my life at this point in some aspect. Despite my naivety at the time, a blessing that has not yet emerged Earthside has come from this decision to have this person in my life. Unfortunately, situations have unfolded that I wasn't aware were there at the time, but for the past several months, I am proud of my behavior.
The person I was 2 years ago would not have handled this situation the way I have today. With dignity, respectfully, calmly and with a rock solid program. I can honestly say that directly because of my program that I am working, I have not done anything or said anything to this individual that I feel that I now or later will owe an amends for. I have handled myself civilly and with boundaries that are healthy for me. And for my baby-to-be.
Unfortunately some additional worrisome behavior was directed at me today that instinctively, thoughts of lashing out verbally and in anger at this person have crept up within me. But since I am in a program and working that program, they have quickly diminished and as I remain calm and at peace with today, I can say the Serenity Prayer several times and all of those thoughts and feelings go away at once. I am really proud of my progress and am so thankful that I am not in a place of regret or insanity as I may have been 2 years ago. I have set a clear boundary, this person is overtly attempting to cross the boundary I have set and I will not react or respond because I am sticking to my healthy boundary.
I am truly blessed. I can only hope that people that are struggling with physical or emotional addictions can find serenity as I have. I wish it and pray it for them. But I know I have to take care of myself and my well-being and not be sucked into other people's illnesses despite whatever connection we may share. I am in control of how I react and how I let someone affect me. And that is a control that I am so happy to possess because Lord knows I can't control anyone else or anything that goes on around me except for myself. And today I am in control of my emotional sobriety.
Today's reading out of Courage To Change:
Monday, April 18, 2016
I know I've been harping on this whole living in the past / worrying about the future thing, but this is where my thoughts have been lately.
My previous post keeps ringing in my ears and throughout my mind.
It is so true, yet so simply put. I wish I had really gotten this years ago.
Change is always a progression, but being willing to do so and being open to change is key. If you stay shut off to bettering yourself or learning a new way of thinking, you will always be stuck exactly where you are. You can say you WANT to change all day, but if you don't open yourself up to it and be open to learning a new way of living, it simply will not happen. If you don't do the work and you constantly live your life and long for the life you had in the past, the past is where you will stay. If you don't do the work and constantly worry or yearn for something in the future, then that's where you will always stay. Both of which rob you of the present moment.
For me, I have never dwelled on the past too much. I know that there were things in my past that I didn't deal with like I should have, but I've never dreamed of or spent too much time reliving it. Or wishing I was still there - for the good parts. Hence, why I don't think I have ever been depressed for any length of significant time. My struggle has always been anxiety and fear of the future. So much so that I wasn't enjoying the present moment. In my recovery work and working to retrain my brain to focus on the present, I am working past my anxiety. I am learning to live in the now. I am truly baffled at my progress I have made just by doing the work. By not thinking I don't want to worry about the future, but actually retraining my brain to think differently. I really also like that saying "if you want something you've never had, you must be willing to do something you've never done".
They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. I was insane for most of my life. Truly. If the definition of insanity is just that, that is all I ever did. I always WANTED things to be different. To react differently to things or to act differently in certain situations or to NOT do something in a certain situation, but I didn't know that I had to do the WORK to actually make a change.
I get it. Being stuck in a rut is hard. I've been there and I'm not saying I will never be in a rut again.
I found something that works for me. Over the past 2 years I have begun to grow into the person that I know that I am and that I know I am capable of being. I will always be forever changing and growing until the day I leave this earth, but I couldn't be more content on the path that I am following. I finally feel like I am heading in the right direction. Not backwards, not too far forwards, but truly living in the NOW.
For the first time in my life, I am becoming content with who I am. Not feeling like I HAVE to have someone in my life to complete me. I am not currently in a relationship and I am content. I don't know if I could have ever said that before. I have always lost myself in relationships and been so co-dependent on my significant other in the past. I would have told you that's not true because I am independent and an introvert and I'm ok with alone time, which is all true...although, I did lose part of myself by relying on that other person to fill a void instead of loving myself first and being content with ME. Just me. We all lose a little bit of ourselves being in relationships as we bend and flex to the others and it's a beautiful thing, but when you do it for the wrong reasons, it can be a disaster.
Also realizing that I can have boundaries and I don't have to bend and flex for someone who I am not compatible with and trying to force a compatibility regardless of the situation. It's not being selfish, it's taking care of myself and not settling for anything less than what I want in a significant other.
I ended my last relationship due to a boundary I had set for myself initially and in turn, doing so brought to light many other aspects of this person that I did not see until doing so that I wasn't ok with. Selfish and immature behaviors, lack of responsibility, complacency, non goal-driven, constantly living in the past...all of which made me realize even more that I made the right decision for me. It's not an ideal situation in some people's eyes, but it's certainly ideal for me and that's the only thing that matters. Doesn't mean I don't care about this person and want nothing but the best for them, but also knowing that I don't have to be the one to try and fix this person or to sacrifice my happiness and my growth when someone else is stuck. I lived my life that way for too long and with too many relationships in my past.
And today I strive to live in the present. And the more I train my mind and heart to do so, the easier and more natural it will be.
Monday, April 11, 2016
I took a lovely meditation workshop 2 weekends ago where we talked a lot about being in the present moment.
I've had anxiety for a long time - truly since I was a little child, but it really reared it's ugly head in my early 20's and manifested itself into panic attacks and excruciating worry.
I didn't know how to deal with it well at the time and the only thing that helped the panic attacks for me was to get on medication. I've been on medication for roughly 12-13 years.
I've been to psychiatrists, therapists - both individual and couples. I got a little bit out of both.
I've been clinically diagnosed with 'Generalized Anxiety Disorder' and 'Severe Clinical Depression'.
I became complacent with relying on my medication to control my anxiety.
It wasn't until I had hit rock bottom in an alcoholic relationship that I really started facing my problems. MY problems...not someone else's problems. My defects of character. It wasn't until I got myself out of the "woes me"s that I started feeling this.
What active part was I playing in my own life or in my own relationships? When we start to take ownership of our own parts we play in situations, our lives truly begin to change.
It wasn't until I gave in to letting go that things started to truly shift for me. That I was truly living in Acceptance.
It's been 2 years since I've been in a program that has saved my life and has helped me more than any one therapist, psychiatrist, self help book, etc. has ever helped me. In this program is where I have truly felt a shift in my anxiety and depression hold patterns. It's truly where I've felt like I may be overcoming these diseases in my life. I know that my core issue has always been anxiety and I've suffered bouts of depression at different times in my life, however, I don't consider myself to have 'Severe Clinical Depression' - as it has always been more anxiety driven for me. But regardless, the two usually go hand in hand at times or at all times.
I have tried to come off my medication once before a few years ago when I thought I was ready... I thought I could do it on my own and I was sorely mistaken. I had eventually grown comfortable to the fact that maybe I would have to be on the medication my entire life.
Over the past year or so I have been feeling more confident that I might, in fact, be able to get off of my medication. It wasn't until I found out that I was pregnant that it gave me the push to do so. All I knew is that I had made a pact with myself that if I ever were to have another child, I would not be on medication during my pregnancy.
God works in mysterious ways. My pregnancy and situation is certainly not ideal, but my growth is MORE than ideal.
What I could see as a mistake or a bad situation, or feeling shameful, in turn has me living in a present blessing.
And truly feeling blessed. Not just 'saying' it and still having doubts. I feel truly free. I think this is what they call serenity.
Sure, I have moments of doubt, but those are only moments or feelings that come and go (and do not linger) as opposed to debilitating daily feelings not knowing if I could make it through and living in a constant state of worry and panic.
This program in conjunction with other things I have introduced to take care of myself and my own well-being have changed my life. Al-Anon is the basis of my recovery. I have since added yoga and being open to other things to add to my life. They all tie in together. It's amazing how God is working in my life when I stop and take a look at where I am and how I have gotten here. When I remove myself out of my body and look at the person I was 2 years ago compared to who I am today, I hardly recognize this person.
I have learned that it's ok to say I am not ok with something or someone else's behavior in my life. It's ok for me to make decisions based on my own well-being and to not be in an unhealthy situation just because of a certain circumstance. I've learned to take care of myself before I focus on any one else in my life. It's ok to say no and it's ok to have boundaries...all of which I could not do before coming into this program.
Living with anxiety and depression will be a life-long existence for me. But learning more about myself and staying in recovery is the greatest gift I can ever be given. It's funny the things you see and the blessings that are shown to you when all you have to do is open your eyes and your heart just a bit.
I am happier in my life now than I ever have been before. Even as I sit here typing this not knowing what the future holds....an uncertainty of life with a newborn baby in a few months and where life will take me. But I don't feel depressed as I am not living in the past and I don't feel anxious as I am not worrying about the future. I am making a daily, sometimes hourly choice to live in the present.
I have truly learned what it means to Let Go and Let God. Sometimes it's a conscious effort and other times, when you make it a part of your life, you automatically let go...without another thought. And that, my friends, is the most freeing feeling of serenity there is.
Thursday, April 07, 2016
It's no secret that I am a bleeding heart liberal. With that being said, that doesn't mean I am 100% liberal and have no "conservative" beliefs of my own. Which I do.
BUT, just because I believe a certain way, I do not think that anyone has the right to take away anyone else's right to something or what they believe in simply because it's different from my particular belief.
America is a free country. It's what we are founded upon.
For example, being pro-choice absolutely does not mean that I am pro-abortion. I am absolutely not. Do I believe there would be certain circumstances that I may be? Yes. Personally I don't believe in abortion, BUT I am very pro-choice, because it is not my right to tell someone else what their beliefs are or to control what they are allowed to do or not.
Mississippi just passed a very shameful law allowing business owners to reject business to anyone in the LGBT community if they see fit based on religious beliefs. W.T.F. Are we back in the slavery era again? This disgusts me. And simply out of this inhumane act, I will avoid all things Mississippi from here until my death.
I get it. Everyone believes differently. And I respect that. About anyone. HOWEVER, that does not give you the right to NOT BE A DECENT FUCKING HUMAN BEING. There is no excuse for being anything other than decent to a fellow human. You don't have to agree with someone, but don't treat people different from you like assholes. You don't have to like them. But you also don't have to be an entitled asshole. Last time I checked, you weren't God or Jesus himself. Besides, Jesus wouldn't treat someone like that, so screw that argument.
I am ill by what is going on in America right now. Between the political nightmares and the holier-than-thou religious groups I am just sad for us all.
This is why I can't get too involved in any of this stuff anymore. It's deterring me from my own happiness...but that doesn't mean it still doesn't make my blood boil every once in a while.
Now back to rainbows and butterflies.
Monday, March 28, 2016
So I've been a grateful member of a wonderful recovery group for almost 2 years now (4/1/14). I am absolutely not the same person I was that day because of this program 100%. I left it for a few months thinking I didn't need it anymore, but I do. Every.damn.day. Forever.
A lot of people think you stop needing something just because a particular person (substance, thing, place, etc) is out of your life, but that couldn't be further from the truth.
I am blessed beyond measure to belong to such an organization that is there whenever I need it and is available to me 24/7. The people I have met and become friends with have forever changed my life. For the better.
Life isn't easy. I will never be perfect. Situations will be difficult. But I know 100% that if I stick close to this program, I can overcome anything and find complete serenity. It's only been 2 years and I am in awe of the transformation by working the steps and attending meetings has done in my life and for my well being, my outlook on life and for my life in general.
I walked into these rooms with debilitating anxiety and depression and willing to do anything as I had hit rock bottom.
Today, I still have some anxieties and depression, but I no longer have this looming sense of panic and doom over my head as I did prior to coming to this program.
Today, I am able to Let Go and Let God and truly understand the meaning of it. Sometimes I have to remind myself to literally do so. Other times, I have the realization that I did it already. Automatically. Because of this program and me working it for me, I can do it now. And that baffles me. Talk about a sense of serenity. This program has continued to bring me miracle after miracle and counting on my God (of my understanding) has been the single greatest freedom I have ever felt.
Today's reading was spot on.
What happens when I physically hold on tightly to something? I turn my head away. I squeeze my
eyes shut. My knuckles ache as my fists clench. Fingernails bite into my palms. I exhaust
myself. I hurt!
On the other hand, when I trust God to give me what I need, I let go. I face forward. My hands
are free for healthy, loving, and enjoyable activities. I find unexpected reserves of energy.
My eyes open to see fresh opportunities, many of which have been there all along.
Before I complain about my suffering, I might do well to examine myself. I may be surprised by
the amount of pain I can release by simply letting go.
How much can God give me if I am not open to receive? When I hold onto a problem, a fear, or
resentment, I shut myself off to the help that is available to me. I will loosen my grip on
something today. I will Let go and let God.
All I had to do was become the least bit willing to open my clutched fist a tiny, grudging bit
and miracles happened. Thats God as I understand Him today. ~ As We Understood
Friday, March 25, 2016
Sunday, March 20, 2016
So, I've been reflecting a lot on my life and the mystery of it. If you had told me this time last year where I would be right now, I may not believe you. But life has a way of making twists and turns that we necessarily didn't see coming.
I've always marched to my own beat. Since I was a little toddler. If I wanted something, I went after it. And I would never wait for anyone to help me or for them to do it. I'd do it myself. That hasn't changed too much in my 40 years earthside.
Turning 40 this year has given me a bit of a shift if you will.
I've certainly made some mistakes in my life or taken the road that is less sought after, but I don't regret a second of it. I've had many unconventional relationships, had a child out of wedlock in my early 20's, eventually did get married to a man I 'thought' was my soulmate, which ultimately ended in divorce around this time last year. I never have really considered myself a huge risk taker, but thinking about it, I truly am. Not in the "I'm going to go skydiving or take risks that could risk my untimely death" type of risk taker, but a life risk taker. And I create my own path. I always have. And now is no different.
I've done things in my life that I haven't been afraid to do or that might be outside of certain people's "approval" and received quite a bit of judgment. I normally don't care too much what other people think of me and my decisions and that still holds true. But I have to admit it stings sometimes. I mean we are all human and we all seek others approval. Some more than others.
Despite some judgments or worries from certain people in my life, I've made a pretty good life for myself. I have a stable career, make decent money, own my own home, have a beautiful 17 year old daughter who is an amazing kid, I take care of my responsibilities and overall have a good life. I still have goals I have set for myself that I have yet to accomplish, which I'm sure I will have until the day I leave this earth, but for 40 years old, again, I've made a decent life for myself.
I've never been very level headed when it comes to relationships. I tend to just go with my heart on things, which in turn has caused me some heartache in the past and currently, but again, I don't regret any of it. And I definitely take responsibility of my own willingness and actions in said relationships. I wouldn't be the person I am today without those experiences.
I've found myself lately feeling as though I have to make excuses for things or try and make others understand my decisions or to justify them. Especially as of late. And I don't like having to feel like I have to do that. But I still feel as though I have to because I know I am being judged. Family, friends, extended family, strangers, acquaintances, you name it.
But the more I think about it, why do I even bother? If someone genuinely cares about me and loves me for who I am, they won't judge me and they will understand and stand by me no matter what without me having to explain anything. Because THOSE are the people I want in my life. Family or friends the same. The reason I am now writing about all of this is that I discovered that a family member de-friended me on Facebook simply because of the fact that I am pregnant expecting a baby and not married or technically "together" with the father of the baby at the moment. And that's fucked up. Truly. And I know I say I don't care, but I do because this is someone that is my family. And it hurts that they are so judgmental and so critical of something that they have created their own judgment based on something that may not be true and they don't know the complete story...but don't even bother to ask or to understand.
Don't get me wrong, I understand my family and my friends and the father's family and friends are all worried about the situation and concerned. But being concerned and worried is one thing but being outright hateful and judgmental is another. Especially when it's not even your body or your relationship. I appreciate the concern, I really do, but I don't appreciate or accept the judgment or the hatred. Because it's not your place. My path is part of God's plan that He has for me. I am not in charge and neither are you.
So with all of that being said, turning 40 has made me realize that I simply do not have time for bullshit in my life regarding relationships, family or friends or anyone else who will judge me. (I also think it's a combination of my Al-Anon program and my yoga/meditation practice that has brought me to this realization) It's sad, but I don't and I won't spend any more time focusing on it. I will, however, spend all of my time taking care of myself, my children and going after my own dreams because I have lots of them and no one can stand in the way of me reaching them but myself. I am an overtly caring person and have always done for others, but I have also not included myself in that equation. It's time I start doing that and living a life that makes ME happy as well. And not feeling bad or guilty about doing so.
So by all means, if you want to judge me for things you honestly don't understand as opposed to loving me for who I am, don't let the door hit you in the ass because I simply no longer have time for it.
Thursday, March 17, 2016
Just when I try and accomplish something LESS high maintenance, I end up unhappy and even more frustrated.
I've been thinking about for about a year now to start taking steps to let my natural grays start growing out. But wanting to do so without the drastic and yucky "line" that would form in letting this happen with the natural progression.
Here I was assuming this may be a fairly easy practice, but much to my chagrin, not so much. Especially when your natural hair color is dark brown. If my hair was blonde, it would definitely be an easier process.
I admit I should have done a little more research before I tried to begin this process, but that was my mistake. So here I am irritated and feeling defeated.
A history of my hair color - natural is dark ash brown. I've colored my hair over the years most colors under the sun...mainly staying within the reddish tint, but I've been relatively boring the last 5ish years with my plain jane dark brown. Because we all know that once you add any red to your hair color it's difficult to get it out in the long haul of things. I've been going gray for a while now, but honestly, the majority of it is at my temples, not necessarily the whole top of my head quite yet. However, the silver foxes at my temples always decide to start making an appearance pretty much the day after I would dye my roots. Le sigh. And I wear my hair up a lot, so there's not much hiding it...I was forced to dye my roots usually every 3-4 weeks. And that was me being lazy. It would be more like every 2 weeks if I were to actually stay on top of it.
Point is, I was growing tired of having to keep up with coloring my gray roots every month or so. It may not be too often to some of you, but for me, it's just too much of a hassle and awfully high maintenance for my taste.
So I got it in my head that I'm ready to start the process a few months ago and I start researching photos. I found a salon that appeared to have a good gallery of photos of hair color that was a little outside of the box, so I figured I would try it out. Here are the examples I took in:
I'm doing a deep condition overnight tonight, then going to Sally's and getting dark ash brown and going straight back to where it was before all of this mess over the weekend. I'm so sick about this experience, but it was a hard lesson learned.
At this point, dying my roots every month is a much better option and letting my hair grow out and become healthy again is the route to go. In a few more years once the grays start to infiltrate my whole head, then I will revisit this transition, but at that point, I'm going to go the 'completely bleach out, then dye my hair gray' route. F all this other BS.
Public Service Announcement: So for any of you contemplating this same transition, do NOT attempt to do it the way I attempted to if you have dark hair. You will just be disappointed...and out a lot of money. :(
Monday, March 14, 2016
It's equally as hard to not get sucked into participation when all of us are up in arms on both sides of the political spectrum. But what is happening right now exceeds all things political. It's just the face of the underlying matter.
There is so much fighting on both sides. I get it, ok. I understand that Republicans are upset at the current situation...after all, they have been beat out twice in 2008 and again in 2012. Completely understandable to be unhappy about the current situation and even upset. If the tables were turned, I would feel the same way...just like I did when we had GW Bush in office for 2 consecutive terms. And I will admit, I was outwardly upset and in fact, it caused way too much stress in my life at the time. I've been pretty content since then because a President that I voted for twice, backed and believed in (which I still back and believe in) has been sitting in office. I don't agree with all of his decisions, but I still stand behind him. And he hasn't said or done anything so outright hateful or spiteful to deter me otherwise.
Which brings me to my feelings on the current situation in America.
We have taken hatred to the extreme and I'm afraid there is no turning back if we don't take some sort of stance. On BOTH sides.
I guess what I don't understand is regardless of whatever your political beliefs, whatever your stance on current affairs, etc.... why don't we all agree on having basic respect for others? Is that such a far stretch? Isn't that a universal commonality that links us all? That SHOULDN'T divide us all? I hate to sound so simple, but can't it just be that simple after all?
In my opinion (and this is purely my opinion alone), I am pretty unsettled with all of our current political candidates this election. I am an open liberal (and yes, I do have a good corporate job and have supported and support my family, make good money, work for my own things...you catch my drift) and I tend to side with Democrats on most issues. Not on ALL issues. Just because I'm a liberal, don't assume that I am a loaf and want everything given to me and think we should work hard just to give everything we have away. Because that's not it. I know the value of working hard and earning my own money and supporting my family and reaching my own goals on my own will. But I'm also very open minded and believe in helping others, accepting others for who they are regardless, and have compassion for my fellow Americans as well as any other human beings for that matter (and let's not forget about animals, because frankly I prefer hanging out with animals more than most human beings, but that's neither here nor there). I have a bleeding heart for certain.
Personally, I think HC is untrustworthy and wish-washy just to get a vote. I agree with BS's political stances as they mirror a lot of my beliefs, but honestly, there's something about the guy I just don't mesh with, so I'm not backing him either. On the opposite side, TC seems snaky to me, Kasich and Rubio actually seem like they are fairly level headed (but again, I'm a liberal and I do not agree with a lot of their beliefs....but generally they seem like respectable people and handle themselves in a mature, adult manner).
So then this brings us to Trump. For months now, I have been watching this mess unfold. Because it is a mess. I've honestly tried to reach out to friends and listen to their reasoning for supporting Trump. I get the exact same answers from those I have asked and from things I've read in comments from Trump supporters.
They go something like this.
"I like what he stands for."
"I like that he says what he feels and doesn't care what anyone else thinks."
"I like that he's not your typical politician."
"I don't necessarily agree with everything he says, but I agree with what he stands for."
"He's what we need to turn around this mess that our government is in."
There are others along this same line, but I don't need to go on, you get the point.
And those arguments alone make sense to me. I get it. But why am I never offered anything deeper in reasoning besides the above mentioned comments?
So then there is what he says, what he does and how he acts. All things that are just ignored by Trump supporters because here's another one "I like Trump because I hate Hillary and Bernie and I will vote for him before I ever vote for those two."
Again, simple human decency. Isn't this something that should not divide us?
Regardless of what someone says they stand for or believe in and you agree, how can you get behind and support someone who openly has criticized the handicapped, the obese and even instigates becoming violent with anyone who doesn't agree with you? No matter what political party you are affiliated with. Ask yourself this question. Seriously.
Because over the last several weeks, I have mistakenly been involved in some heated discussions regarding this same situation and I get all of the same answer, then when I ask any Trump supporter this one simple question "How can you support someone who openly has criticized the handicapped, the obese and even instigates becoming violent with anyone who doesn't agree with you?", I get crickets. Literally. Or they automatically turn it back on me and get mad at me and say they don't have to answer to someone who is so misinformed or my favorite "typical Liberal. Anytime someone doesn't agree with YOUR beliefs, they are automatically idiots."
Well, no. I don't think people that disagree with my beliefs are idiots. I do believe that people that support and defend someone who has openly criticized the less fortunate and invokes violence openly to others...well. Need I say more? Make sense? There's a difference. We are all somewhat brainwashed by simply the media alone, but this is almost cult-ish and truly not far from the Hitler reign.
But I digress. Because I have had a bit of an epiphany if you will over the past few days as my blood pressure starts to rise as this nightmare continues to unfold that when we (as liberals and democrats) start playing into this man's game, he wins. Because that's exactly what he wants and that's exactly what his supporters want so although they instigate it, they can turn around and say "SEE, I TOLD YOU. TYPICAL LIBERALS...NOW WHO ARE THE VIOLENT ONES?"
So I've made a pact with myself. Although it may in turn keep me from being informed (but really how "informed" are we with the current media), I am temporarily unfollowing all media outlets on my FB and unfollowing any FB friends that post anything encouraging hatred from EITHER party. I will not watch the news and will refrain from participating in any discussions regarding any politics or active groups against other groups, etc. Or any 'lives matter' groups, because ALL lives matter. Not just one specific group. And stop with the war on cops and the government. Seriously. I'm tired of diversity. I'm tired of the current state of affairs. And sadly it's come to this, but I am not going to involve myself anymore because my life is too precious and too important and becoming angry and hateful is NOT who I am regardless. And I'm not going to feed into the darkness anymore. I will spread my own love and light and share it with others.
Who knows, maybe it will also give me a break from stupid coverages of the Kardashians or any other un-newsworthy crap.
And please...any negative comments will be unread and deleted, so save your breath. You are on my page and my blog, remember, I am not trolling on anyone else's...this is my avenue to express how I feel.
So I will wrap up this blog post by posting a song. This song keeps popping up in rotation on my ipod and I've been thinking about the lyrics and the meaning behind it intently lately. I'm pretty sure it's my higher power giving me a sign to pay attention. Because this song can also be interpreted metaphorically with all of the spoken violence as well.
Time for you and I to try to fall asleep in the bed they've made us,
All came crumbling down tears in our eyes as it rained confusion
The whole world has changed
In the name of peace, that's ridiculous
So they fire from the sky and they come outta nowhere
Time for you and I to turn on the big screen see what's happening
And as those children die, pawns in the game of collateral damage,
The whole world goes mad.
And vengeance gives us hope, at least that's what we think,
At least that's what we think.
As we make amends by getting our revenge,
We sort nothing out, just add to the doubt
With God on both sides, if death is justified
Whatever the name, then we're all to blame.
To honor those who have passed,
We got to get along, while the time still lasts
Bury the hatchet deep, so we all can weep
And heal all this pain, so we can live again,
So we can live again
We sort nothing out, just add to the doubt
But with God on both sides, if death is justified
Whatever the name, then we're all to blame.
But I don't understand how one can kill a man
In the name peace, that's ridiculous
But I understand that I will defend my family, from both sides of misery.
Tuesday, February 16, 2016
In other news, I am pregnant and have decided to start a pregnancy blog for all things pregnancy to document my journey. I will still be posting here for non-pregnancy related posts, but for any of you out there that actually read this, feel free to take a peek.
Love and poopy diapers, Ciao!
Little Bebe's Journey From Wombside To Earthside
Monday, November 23, 2015
Getting used to the Curly Girl method. I'm still not very happy with the length of my hair, but hopefully I will be a little more happy with it in a month or so when I get some length back in it. As far as my curls go, I really like the way they look now and how healthy my hair feels. Still having a bit of a challenge with getting my bangs straightened while keeping the rest of my hair curly, but I am getting a little better at it.
I'm still doing the same routine that I listed in the previous blog, but instead of the Knot Today leave-in, I have switched to the SheaMoisture Yucca & Plantain Anti-Breakage Strengthening Styling Milk as my leave-in. It used to be the SheaMoisture Thickening Growth Milk, but they seemed to have discontinued this and replaced it with the one in the link. It is a little heavier than the Knot Today leave-in, so I like it since it's winter and my hair needs more moisture. It doesn't weigh my hair down, but my hair feels a little softer and more moisturized. I will probably switch back to the Knot Today leave-in when spring comes back since it's a little lighter, but we'll see. I've been wanting to try the Ouidad Texture Taffy, but haven't wanted to shell out the $$ to do so. Hopefully I will grab it soon and let you guys know what I think. The biggest thing I am getting used to is having to use soooooooo much gel in my hair. I really can tell that it helps defining the curls and controlling the frizz, so it's a must. And after I crunch it all out, my hair is really soft and not frizzy at all, so I know it's doing the job.
Also, I am not using the Argon oil anymore before I "pineapple" my hair for the night. It simply makes my hair too greasy the next day. No bueno for 2nd day hair for me. Everyone's different, so it probably works great on some people.
Here are some photos of my hair today.
Tuesday, November 10, 2015
So in addition to the new hair change, I've also made some goals for myself. Somewhat New Years resolutions a little early.
I think me turning 40 in 3 1/2 months is triggering a change in me.
I signed up for an 8 week beginners yoga series. It starts this Saturday and I couldn't be more excited. I have taken a lot of yoga classes over the years and got really into it several times, but for some reason never really stuck with it. I aspire to be a yogi. I want to eventually maybe become a yoga teacher. I want to be flexible and fit and healthy. I want to be able to master those crazy poses that look impossible to hold.
My goal is to have taken 30 yoga classes by my 40th birthday on 2/26. Estimated at 2 per week, I should be able to get there and it's a fairly realistic goal.
Secondly, I want to start taking mandolin lessons. It was either that or the banjo, but I chose the mandolin because it's different and I want a challenge. I am going to try and make the lessons and purchasing a mandolin a Christmas present to myself, so I don't have too much longer to do so.
Life has happened - a few updates....I got divorced in May 2015. Been in an AMAZING relationship for 4 months now with a friend from my past and I couldn't be happier. The timing couldn't have been better for both of us.
I made the decision a couple of weeks ago that I was going to experiment with letting my natural curls flow. My hair has gone through many phases over the years (as many of us ladies' hair does). It was straight as a board until I hit junior high and then became naturally curly. I fought that like the dickens...straightened my hair with an iron on an ironing board and doing the stupidest thing to it like you do when you are young and don't know any better. I would like to say in my old age (cough), I do now know better, but nope, I definitely don't. I've gone through brief stints of wearing my hair curly, but it always looked crappy to me, so those were short lived. The older I get, the less maintenance I wish for my appearance
My hair style has pretty much been the same for the last 10 years....long and I would blow dry with a round brush dryer. I recently added bangs about a year and a half ago, but that's been the only real change. My hairdresser rocks. However, when I decided to do this transformation, I had an SOS hair cut need, so I went to someone else. I shouldn't have done that and stuck with my guy, but you know....it is what it is at this point, so I gotta live with it.
My hair had become really stringy at the ends and just looked limp and dull, so I knew I wanted layers to bring life back into it a bit. When the hairdresser looked at my hair (I ended up going to one that specializes in curly hair so I could try and get it cut in a way that my curls would look better as opposed to not so great), he noticed a lot of breakage from about my shoulders down (hence why it was looking so dingy). We figured out it was because of the round brush dryer I have been using and it was causing breakage - due to my dumb butt for keeping it on my hair too long when drying, but I digress.
So I just said CUT IT. Cut off all of the dead stuff and let's start from scratch again. It's a little shorter than I had anticipated and I am not a huge fan of it yet, but once it grows out just a bit, I think I will be more than happy with it.
So this begins my Curly Girl method journey. I did a lot of research online on routines and products, so this is what I have started with so far.
First let's post some before and after pics.
First was taken about a month ago and the 2nd was a few months ago, so you can tell the difference in the damage that I had done within that time:
These were taken yesterday - my new haircut and curls :)
Like I said, it's a little short for my taste, but once it grows out a little, I think I will be super happy with it.
Since I currently can not afford to spend bookoos of bucks on hair products at the moment, I made my list and headed to Target and Sally's for supplies. There are tons of products for curlies out there and some more expensive than others, but since I'm on a sort-of budget, I decided to go this route.
Also, noteworthy that I went through my bathroom and got rid of ALL of my hair products containing sulfates and all that crap, which was tons of stuff. I wanted to start with a clean slate.
The basics: SheaMoisture Raw Shea Butter Moisture Retention Shampoo & SheaMoisture Raw Shea Butter Restorative Conditioner.
Other necessities: As I Am Coconut CoWash, Kinky-Curly Knot Today Leave in Conditioner, Kinky-Curly Curl Custard Gel, Garnier Fructis Pure Clean Paste Wax, TRESemme Perfectly (un)Done Sea Salt Spray, Argan Oil, Curls Lavish Curls Moisturizer and ISO Bouncy Crème.
I also purchased a MicroFiber towel for my hair as regular towels are a big no-no for curlies.
I got my hair cut last Thursday, so I've only been doing this routine for a few days. I'm sure I will be experimenting and switching up some of the products as time goes on, etc.
I am trying to only wash my hair 1-2 times per week with shampoo. I washed my hair with shampoo yesterday, but on the other days, I use the As I Am CoWash.
After shampoo or CoWash in the shower I do the "squish to condish" method with the Shea Butter Conditioner. I rinse most of it out, but leave a small amount in my hair. I then apply the Knot Today leave in conditioner just before getting out of the shower.
Once I am ready to apply product, I use the Sea Salt Spray first - applying to my roots with my head flipped over and pull through my hair. Then I apply a small amount of the ISO Bouncy Crème and run through my hair. I take a good chunk of the Curl Custard Gel and run through my hair as well. At this point I will either use the "plopping" method and wrap my hair in an old tshirt if I have about an hour or 2 to spare or I will diffuse my hair with a hair dryer (lowest heat, lowest setting) with my hair flipped over. Be careful not to touch your curls while they are still drying because that will create frizz.
Once air dried or diffused, flip hair back over and scrunch the hair to get all of the hard gel loose and flip hair back over - whalah!
I then put in about a dime size of Pure Clean Paste Wax to set everything.
2nd day hair, spray the Curls Lavish Curls Moisturizer and re-fluff hair. Then apply Pure Clean Paste Wax to set. All done.
At night, I spray a small amount of argan oil in my hair before I put it up in a "pineapple" to sleep.
So far, I'm getting used to things and feeling happy with atleast the way my curls look (still getting used to the length). My hair does feel a little greasy due to not shampooing so often anymore and I'm sure due to all the product, but I heard that gets better as time goes on.
I will try and post more the more I get used to things and post any updates if I change up any of the routine. There are tons of YouTube videos on how to follow the Curly Girl Method, on how to "Plop" your hair and "squish to condish". Just research and experiment to find out what works best for you. My hair is hair type 3A the majority of the time (some days fluctuating to a 2C or 3B).
I am currently having issues with getting my bangs styled right - I don't want them too straight nor too curly, so I'm having some growing pains with this right now.
The Polished Curl has a lot of great tips and how to videos on her site...check them out!
The following pic is kind of what I am shooting for style-wise once my hair grows out just a bit. I love this girl's hair!
Saturday, March 07, 2015
Haven't blogged in a while. Lots of good things, a few not so good things since I've last posted.
All of us I think have the ultimate goal of living our life the best we know how and to truly experience being happy. I know happiness is not a destination, but most certainly a journey. I am by no means an expert on this subject and quite honestly it feels like a destination at times as opposed to a journey. I have had moments of extreme happiness in my life, but also big lulls of the opposite. I know life is not perfect and to expect to be happy at all times is unrealistic. However, in my quest, I would really and truly love to be happy at least 1/2 the time.
Living your life with anxiety and depression can certainly throw a wrench in things. Especially when you can't control it. And when people say , "oh, just snap out of it", that is the most infuriating. People that have never experienced it just don't get it. They don't and I accept that.
I used to have a hard time recognizing my depression. Especially in certain situations in my life. I'm getting better at acknowledging it, but it doesn't make it any less frustrating when I can't just QUIT being depressed.
I'm going through a challenging phase in my life, which includes being in the middle of a divorce that appears to be becoming more complicated than initially expected. Topped off with insane amounts of overtime with work and just not enough time in the day. Being an introvert is just the cherry on top and draining myself into a depression has not helped any. I have a lot to be grateful for and to be happy about, don't get me wrong. I have numerous blessings in my life and I thank God every day for them.
I hate feeling like this. I just want to retreat from the world, close the blinds and lay on my couch with a blanket. That's not me....but sometimes it's a part of me. Sometimes it's a part of my depression and/or my introvertism. But I don't necessarily LIKE it.
I am ready to work past this phase. I am ready to come out on the other side feeling free and rejuvenated.
I know it's a process that can't be forced. I just have to Let Go and Let God - same with every other situation in my life.
I am so grateful for a more understanding, loving and patient God that I have grown to be close to in the last year. One Day At A Time.
Friday, October 03, 2014
This guy. *Swoon*
So last night was an interesting experience.
A crazy storm came through the metroplex for about 10 minutes with 90 mph winds yesterday.
Some areas were hit worse than others. White Rock Lake area and East Dallas area seemed to have gotten hit the worse. Power outages, trees down, etc.
As I was driving to get to the venue last night, once I got to Mockingbird off the highway, it was very easy to see what had happened. Signal lights out, trees down everywhere. It was a mess. After finally making some headway and weaving in and out of the M streets, I finally make it to the Granada. I quickly notice that the power is out on this entire block of Greenville and notice the very long line starting to form at the venue. "This should be interesting" - I said aloud to myself in the car.
I parked in the Granada parking - there were people everywhere, but the atmosphere so bizarre with no power on the entire block. My new friend Nikki called me just as I parked and she said she asked someone what would happen if the power didn't come on...they told her that Paolo will still put on a show - it would be a candlelit acoustic set. Um, at this point I was hoping the power would stay out :)
So we made our way to the end of the ever increasing line for the show. No one was allowed in, so the amount of people in this line was crazy! It just kept winding and winding...luckily we ended up about 1/2 way in line. We stood in line for almost an hour with one guy coming around saying that a generator was on the way and they would be letting people in shortly. They finally started letting people in at 8:45. Doors were supposed to open at 7.
Immediately as you enter the Granada, the ambiance was...low and candlelit. Nikki and I went and purchased concert t-shirts and got a glass of wine, then trickled into the theater. Candles everywhere with the exception of the stage being lit up by a single generator. We pick our spot and we wait. As the people come piling in, it starts to get warm as the a/c obviously isn't working and the waft of vanilla candles starts to get a little strong. Nikki and I both found out that we have super sensitive nose powers in common last night.
Not long after, the music begins and Paolo takes the stage. The instruments are powered, the mics are powered and there are basic lights for the stage. Nothing fancy...no fancy light show. But the music was mindblowing.
I honestly am having a hard time putting this experience into words. I have seen a lot of concerts and live shows in my lifetime, and this one is definitely moved up to the top 5 list of my all time favorite shows. Paolo brought it. He did not disappoint. I was in shock and awe at how far he has come. I started listening to him when my friend Mike turned me onto him many years ago. He was just a baby. Cute, but just a baby. Loved his music.
Well, he has definitely grown into a man whose voice has matured vastly.
If you ever get a chance to check him out live, you MUST go. You will not be disappointed. His studio recordings have NOTHING on his live performance, and the studio recordings are amazing.
I talked to my friend Mike on the phone on my way to work this morning and told him about the show. He said it perfectly...."Anyone who is a true music fan would enjoy the shit out of a Paolo show. No matter what your music preference. He's the real deal".
Yes, he is.
What a memorable experience....I definitely won't be forgetting this evening anytime soon.
Here's a small taste of part of one of his live performances:
Paolo Nutini @ Pinkpop 2014
Wednesday, October 01, 2014
Because it's Fall, of course :)
Happy October 1st.
I can't believe it's already October.
I've been having a feeling of a shift, if you will, happening in me the last week or so. Not sure if it's due to the changing of the seasons, as this is my favorite season of the year or if it's just time. Just time for change and for a new beginning.
I've been feeling different lately. As I stated before, my emotions have been all over the place and I was at a real anger and resentment spot this past weekend....while letting out those feelings to the one person I probably shouldn't have...I did anyway. But maybe that was it. Maybe that's what I needed to do to let it go. I apologized the following day via text and was able to tell my husband happy birthday via text yesterday without any other emotions or anything else involved. It felt good. He sent me a couple of pictures with the food his mother made him for his birthday and I responded nicely, then the last photo I caught a glimpse of "the other girl"'s legs and boots under the table in the photo. I decided not to respond after that. It stung, but I didn't obsess on it. And I let it go.
That's a big deal for me. That's how I know that I'm changing...that I'm growing in my program and as a person. That I truly am "Letting Go and Letting God"
This separation has been the hardest thing for me. And knowing that your significant other has just moved on seemingly so easily to the next relationship makes it even worse. And the part that sucks the worst is that he promised he would never leave me again for someone else because he had done it SO MANY F'ING times thoughout our relationship before we got engaged. He promised he had changed. But you know what? That was his decision. I am not perfect and I certainly am not easy to live with, but I am worthy of happiness and I know I am worthy of being loved wholly. I refuse to let anyone hurt me anymore as I allowed before and take away my joy and my serenity, because I'm ready to have that in my life again. First and foremost, I deserve to love MYSELF. I am shifting my thoughts on myself and working on my own happiness instead of worrying and obsessing over a husband that I can't control. And you know what? It's not my problem anymore. We are separated and he made a conscious decision to do something that I'm not ok with, so he has to live with that. And maybe it's what he needs. But that's not my concern anymore. My concern is ME....loving myself, guarding myself against anything that can hurt me (for now until I'm ready to make that step which will be absolutely no time soon) and moving forward with MY life. For ME...not for anyone else. And in the future, if I do find someone else, I will be the best person I can be, worthy to give and receive love and in the best place in my life
I had been contemplating a concert this week that I wanted to attend. There were actually 2 that I was bouncing between, but one on Thursday evening that I really really wanted to go to. I hadn't made any plans with anyone to go, so I was just thinking that I wouldn't go. But yesterday, a feeling came over me and I told myself, screw this...get out of your comfort zone - you want to go, so go BY YOURSELF! YES! So I posted it to Facebook. A friend that I have had on Facebook for many years whom I have never met reached out to me and said she had been wanting to go and was also contemplating going by herself as well. So it came together...we each bought a ticket and we are meeting up before the show for a drink, then will hang out at the show together. Who knows, it could be a beginning of a beautiful friendship. That's how I know that God is working in my life. And even if that hadn't been the turn of events, I was still going by myself. I had committed and bought the ticket. I'm sure this won't be the last time that I want to do something and actually decide to do it by myself, for myself.
So here's to a great rest of the week. Here's to a happy autumn season and to change. *Cheers y'all*
Sunday, September 28, 2014
I mistakenly texted him these feelings which I will later owe him an amends for, but I am just so angry right now.
I am not perfect by any means nor have I ever portrayed this.
I know we are both hurting right now, but I feel as though I got the short end of the stick on this deal.
Throughout our relationship, we've tended to have more struggles than contentment. But I have loved this man for so long and wanted nothing more than to marry him.
The addiction has hovered over our entire relationship and our marriage. Despite it all, I have stuck by him. I dealt with the crisis' the best I knew how. I wasn't working a program and I didn't have the tools to help me, so my life became his. His addictions. Alcoholism and drug addiction is a family disease. And when you are the wife of one, it becomes your life.
I used to blame him because I didn't understand. I would become angry and say things I didn't mean because I didn't know any different.
I suppose what I said to him today reverted back to that old behavior, but I have made progress, not perfection. Nor will it ever be perfection.
I took a vow to my husband and to God in front of our family and friends that I took seriously. To this day, my husband still believes that I cheated on him and did things behind his back while he was using.
I remained 1,000% faithful to my husband. My vows I took seriously.
He did not. He blames me now for the way I acted and treated him while he was sick and he's justifying his new "relationship" with this 21 year old by blaming the demise of our marriage on me and my actions.
Dear God, I know I am not perfect like I said, but I am also a good person with a good heart and good morals.
Our relationship has become more toxic and more toxic. Even in this separation I think. I am sick to think that he's shacked up with this other girl - and yes, I say girl, because she's not a woman - she's 21 fucking years old. The committee in my mind automatically goes there and goes to that dark place. They spend all of their time together. And he had the balls to tell me he thought we could be "friends". I'm all about the peace and love ideal, but friends?!? Seriously, right now? All he's doing is justifying his actions by saying our marriage was over a long time ago.
I knew in my gut what was going on before we even separated. He tried to convince me otherwise.
I feel like a fool right now. Like I've been lied to, used and a freaking stepping stone.
The difference now is that I have a program and people I can reach out to who have been in my shoes. Who know EXACTLY what I have been through and what I'm going through. The difference now is that I feel these feelings, but I am able to get over it quicker.
I'm making progress.
But that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt like hell or that I don't get angry as hell like I am today.
The saddest part is that he's not even sober anymore. I wish I could blame it on HIM, but this fucking disease is controlling his life again and leading him down a path of these bad choices.
I probably shouldn't really be posting this to my blog...I may take it down, but for now, it's helping me.
It's helping me to type this out and to not be so angry. To understand that the disease is back in full force again. I feel bad for texting him out of anger now. So be it, I will get over it and clean my side of the street when the time comes.
He's still my husband though and this fucking sucks. I love him beyond any words can express and have stuck by him through it all and I feel like he's now thrown it away for a blonde 21 year old. Although I know it's not the blonde 21 year old - it's the disease. But she's still real. And she's taken my husband and his heart.
Saturday, September 27, 2014
So I just moved into the current age and finally got Netflix a few weeks ago. I have seen some really great movies already that I hadn't seen or had forgotten about that I wanted to see.
I thought this one might be interesting, so I sat down to watch. Movies written and performances such as this are phenomenal. I tend to like the "not so well-known" movies like these. I guess I could just call them Indie films. I suppose that's what they are.
This movie was WOW. I wasn't sure what it was going to be about, but I should have thought beyond the "Thanks For Sharing" title....
I will admit there were some scenes in the movie that made me a little uncomfortable, but it was also about issues that are real...and that happen in life. That many of us are effected by in some way or another.
I don't want to give away too much in case some of my readers (that is if I have any) have not seen and would like to see it.
If you HAVE seen it, feel free to comment and I would love to discuss the movie with you in the comments.
Thursday, September 25, 2014
You and me, we made a vow
For better or for worse
I can't believe you let me down
But the proof's in the way it hurts
For months on end I've had my doubts
Denying every tear
I wish this would be over now
But I know that I still need you here
You say I'm crazy
'Cause you don't think I know what you've done
But when you call me baby
I know I'm not the only one
You've been so unavailable
Now sadly I know why
Your heart is unobtainable
Even though Lord knows you kept mine
You say I'm crazy
'Cause you don't think I know what you've done
But when you call me baby
I know I'm not the only one
I have loved you for many years
Maybe I am just not enough
You've made me realize my deepest fear
By lying and tearing us up
You say I'm crazy
'Cause you don't think I know what you've done
But when you call me baby
I know I'm not the only one
I know I'm not the only one
I know I'm not the only one
And I know...
I know I'm not the only one
Same Smith - "I'm Not The Only One"
I saw this movie this past weekend and can not stop thinking about it and how brilliant it was. I had never heard of it, but started watching it on Netflix. It's very rare that movies have me feeling this way - like I could watch it over and over again and not get tired of it.
I think I might have to watch it again this weekend :)
Not to mention, quite a lovely song is in the soundtrack.
Edward Sharpe And The Magnetic Zeros - "Home"
Not that I usually DON'T dress like a girl - I do wear skirts quite a bit, but I actually have on a "girly" dress today and I feel....wait for it....pretty. I can actually say that "I feel pretty." I've had a pretty low self esteem since I can remember so for me to actually feel that way and say it outloud is kind of a big deal. i also have on cute shoes - says the flip-flop wearer :)
I figured I needed a couple of photos to capture the moment.
Tonight is a big night for me. I am a very grateful member of a program (which I will never name by name due to traditions, however, I may refer to this as "the program" or "my program" as it is a huge part of my life). Tonight I am chairing my first meeting. *YIKES*
I know I will be fine, but me + public speaking do not usually mesh well. I have always had a hard time speaking to people that I don't know (social anxiety), an even worse time sharing personal experience in front of multiple people, and the worst time actually being the center of attention speaking at a meeting. Introvert + social anxiety = pretty much sums me up. I've gotten better over the years and another good thing about this program is it forces me to get out of my comfort zone and actually open up. It's scary as hell, but it's saving my life.
People can always tell how nervous I am in these situations. My face usually gets all flushed along with my chest and I have a hard time looking at anyone. It is my goal to get to a place to where I no longer feel this way. Everyone is always a little nervous - that's human nature, but with practice, I hope to in time become more relaxed and at ease in these situations. And have the confidence in myself that I know I should have.
"I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear." ~ Nelson Mandela