Friday, August 31, 2007


i think in all the years he has been in office, this is the VERY first thing he has done right....seriously. (and yes, i am a little excited because it effects me personally since i underwrite government mortgage loans....)

10 Years

i can't believe it's been 10 years. i remember it like it was yesterday. you are dearly missed, princess of the people. your legacy lives on....

Thursday, August 30, 2007

"I'm goin back to Cali....I DON'T THINK SO!"

agh. i'm reviewing an appraisal right now in west sacramento, ca - a run down shack as it appears to me 2 bed/1 bath, 1028 sq ft. appraised for $275,000. the exact same house here in texas would appraise roughly around $50-75k depending on what city you were in. and for $275k, you can have one hellova nice house.

that's just completely ridiculous. i could never allow myself to live in california.

Map of Bones

i started this book several months ago...even before i started HP:7. of course i put it down to read HP, but now have picked it back up. for some reason it's been an excrutiatingly slow read. perhaps i just wasn't in the mood. i'm a huge sucker for books such as these...dan brown's novels, etc....especially now - my brain is so intrigued by historical events in the biblical sense. i hardly know anything at all, but the more i read about, the more i want to research.

i just realized i have no point to this post, so please excuse my randomness. i have since gotten back into the book and i am FINALLY at a point that it's really getting suspenseful and to the point that i can hardly put it down now. i am assuming i will be finishing it by the end of the long weekend and choosing from my stack of books that i haven't yet delved into for something new.

The Davish One asked me the other night if i had read the alchemist yet. i have not, but it has been crossing my mind several times over the past couple of months...and kind of ironic that he brought it up the other night. i might need to make a trip to half price books this weekend to see if i can find it. i love bookstores too. there's nothing like getting lost in them.

by the way, if any of you readers out there have any suggestions of any books along these lines, i am always open to them. i love recommendations!

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Hump day Amos Lee style

so i was out with some friends last night and The Davish One proceeds to tell me that ADMUSICA sent him a text the other morning that said "good morning, vietnamaste". i laughed for 15 minutes. pure genius that one.

i'm in an amos lee kind of mood today...enjoy.

Friday, August 24, 2007


i found this song a couple of years ago and absolutely fell in love with it. i was thinking of it this morning on the way to work. the only video i could find is connected with a trailer to "the closer" (which was a great movie in itself). after watching does mesh pretty well. enjoy the song....

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Divine Feminine Force

Divine Feminine Force

The divine feminine goes by many names in many
spiritual traditions, but at the heart of nearly all of
these, Shakti can found. Hinduism specifically
recognized the dynamic and potent feminine power
that exists in all beings and deified it in the form of
a goddess. Shakti, however, is not merely a single
deity, playing a single role in the lives of
humankind. Rather, she represents the
fundamental creative force that is the root of all
creation in the universe. In art, Shakti has taken
on the outward appearance of many goddesses,
but her anthropomorphized form is far less
significant than the essential form she takes within
each of us. Shakti's presence in our lives can be
experienced in a deep and personal way, but we
must first reach out to her so that we can draw
upon the vital animating energy that is her gift to

There is no one motive that drives all beings to
expend effort in the act of creation, which is
precisely why Shakti can be the embodiment of
power that is both constructive and destructive.
Giving substance to inspiration helps to restore
balance—sometimes by breaking matter or ideas
down into their base components and sometimes
by building them up into an object never before
seen in the world. Shakti energy is intense yet
multifaceted. It is simultaneously subtly
illuminating and darkly fierce. There is a
temptation among those touching the Shakti
within themselves to ignore those elements of this
powerful force that do not suit them. But to
disregard this energy is to reject the fact that the
elements of existence that are the most
transformative and life-affirming are often those
that are intensely challenging. If our aim is to
become consciously balanced, we must accept
the Shakti within as a unified whole rather than an
amalgamation of isolated qualities.

You have likely felt Shakti's touch in your soul,
even if you could not give the resultant feeling a
name. When the goddess turns her gaze toward
you, she recognizes the potential you embody,
and her gift to you is the inspiration that allows
you to realize that potential. Shakti exists in all
thought, feeling, and matter, which means that
you need only act upon your creative impulses to
connect with the feminine power that has been a
part of you since the universe's conception.

Everybody needs a little JBT in their life

Monday, August 20, 2007

I'm alive....(although exhausted)

greetings my blogger friends....

well i made it out alive through my soccer game yesterday and i would like to give a great big thanks to the lovely clouds that provided us with an overcast sky and the ever-so welcome breeze that was steady throughout. and even better, we WON! :) i'm definitely very sore and exhausted today - certainly takes a while to get used to this again after a few month off-season. we played great and everyone meshed well with the new players we have inherited this season.

my weekend consisted pretty much of everything that i had listed (minus the dying and funeral part-ha).

ms. jos came over saturday - we majorly overdid it and rented 6 movies at the buster of block, ate a yummy lunch at freebirds (by the way if you are not from around here, but ever have a chance to travel down to tejas, i HIGHLY recommend stopping for a freebirds burrito. chipotle can suck on freebirds left tit) and stopped in at cd world next door for some cd rummaging.

we made it through 2 of the movies. uhmmm...borat. yah...i really can't say much about this movie other than i could have gone my ENTIRE life and been fine without ever seeing it. there were maybe about 2 laugh-out-loud parts in the movie...the rest was just craptastic.

then we watched premonition. what a spectacular film - in my opinion. i'm a sucker for a psychological thriller. ok...anyone that has actually seen this movie, i need to pose a question to you....jos and i were both very confused about "saturday" in the movie. after her mother and friend had called in the doc, priest etc to take her away and she was taken to a psychiatric hospital (i'm guessing)...then did she get out of this situation? that was never explained...?? any insite on that would help greatly. i'm thoroughly confused about that and have been mulling it over in me noggin all weekend.

natorchen joined us later in the evening, we ordered some pizza pies and then watched disturbia. another good one. definitely had a few jump factors in the movie. gotta say that corpse soup under that man's house definitely gave me the willies. eek. "corpse of a rotting hottie." hahaha - sorry my mind is warped - i keep laughing about that phrase. who knew this cute kid from the disney show even stevens would end up starring in these major roles. he's actually a great actor.

so we have 3 movies left that we will probably be watching at some point this week/weekend. in a dark place, scoop and the painted veil. physical exhaustion seems to be effecting my mental capacity at the moment and i have nothing left to say.

happy monday everyone....


Friday, August 17, 2007

List of plans for the weekend

friday after work: nap
friday night: drive to cowtown and spend the night with my honey

saturday morning: come home
saturday early to mid-afternoon: grocery store and stock up!
saturday late-afternoon: nothing
saturday evening: nothing
saturday night: *see friday night above*

sunday morning: come home
sunday early to mid-afternoon: drink as much water as i possibly can
sunday late-afternoon: have an outdoor soccer game
sunday late-afternoon 5 minutes in: die of a heat stroke
sunday night: the ladybug comes back home and my funeral. no hymns please.

Thursday, August 16, 2007

30 years ago today we lost a legend

January 8, 1935 ~ August 16, 1977

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

101 THINGS (disclaimer - don't read if you get bored easily-haha)

i posted this 2 years and 2 months ago on an old blog i used to have...i ran across it going through some very old emails and thought i would repost it and make notes as to differences or things that have changed since then. enjoy :)

101 Random things about me (that you probably had no desire to know):

1. I was born on February 26, 197blah at blah blah blah in Dallas, Texas, USA

2. My full name is Laura blah blah. Laura was a take off of my father’s middle name, Lawrence.

3. My parents are still married. Maybe not “happily”, but regardless, they have stayed together all these years.

4. I have 1 sister, Mary Jane, who has become one of my best friends. We used to hate each other growing up. My dad had 2 daughters from 2 previous relationships – 1 marriage. The first one, Carol, I know nothing about and have never met. The second one, Leslie, I know and have been around her several times, but we are not close. She is married and has 2 daughters. I think they are getting divorced. Last I heard. *they ARE divorced now*

5. I have been engaged once, but never married.

6. I have one beautiful daughter, The Ladybug, born blah/blah/99. Her father and I were engaged when I was pregnant, but split when The Ladybug was less than a year old. I do not regret that decision.

7. Me and The Ladybug’s stepmom are very close friends – it’s TRUE! *still very true* :)

8. I own my first house as of December 2003. I love it. Sometimes it’s overbearing and scary, but I like the idea of owning a house. *ouch...financially stressful times came and went and i no longer own a home* :(

9. We have 2 outdoor cats – Dakota and Marley and 2 beta fish – Mary Kate and Ashley (yes, that was my daughter’s doing) *moving forced me to leave my two kitties at the folks...Marley is still there, but Dakota ran away - poor baby andddddd the fishies kicked the bucket and are now floating in the toilet water abyss somewhere*

10. I am currently single and for the most part enjoy living life on my own terms and no one else's, but I do yearn for that companionship of a life partner. I hope that someday I will find someone to share my life with. Although life with me and my daughter alone is precious to me. * happily taken - after a few trials on the relationship front*

11. I have been diagnosed with GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder) and PAD (Panic Attack Disorder). Anxiety is a real disease – it’s not made up. I had my first panic attack in December of 2003 – thought I was having a heart attack and dying and was rushed to the hospital. I have been on daily anxiety medication since then. I become stronger and more willing to fight this battle as the days go on and I am on my way to being med-free from this. I have not been diagnosed medically, but I know I also suffer from mild Agoraphobia and Clausterphobia as well. If you don’t know what they are, look ‘em up. *still very true*

12. I have 3 tattoos and love them ALL! I want more. *have 5 now* :)

13. I have a nose piercing and a belly button piercing. *yep*

14. I played soccer from elementary school through high school and for a season when I was 19. I would love to start up again. *i play outdoor and indoor now and have been for 3 seasons now* :)

15. I love to watch soccer games & hockey games. Dallas Cowboy games are fun to go to as well. I have no interest in baseball, basketball or any other “mainstream” sport. I particularly despise boxing – I don’t see the “sport” in punching the shit out of your opponent.

16. I have a wide variety of music taste. However, I HATE new country and gangsta rap.

17. I smoke cigarettes when I drink. Bad habit I am trying to break. *eek - still trying to break this habit. haha*

18. I used to be a pothead….and honestly wish I could still smoke it, but with my anxiety, it’s not a good combination. But there is no doubt in my mind that I was unknowingly self medicating myself with it when I was with my anxiety issues. *whew - that was back in the day - i don't think i've touched pot in over 5 years*

19. I love hemp things : hemp necklaces, bags, bracelets, anklets….everything. I prefer it over anything else.

20. I only drink beer and wine. The only shot I will take is a “buttery nipple” due to a horrible time in my life when I was 20, I think I made my body physically allergic to hard liquor. Will not TOUCH it.

21. I have the most AMAZING friends I could ever ask for. (you know who you all are)

22. I am very open minded as far as my sexual orientation. I wouldn’t type myself as “bi”, but I am also not “straight”. I just see it this way – I have a lot of love to give. I am attracted to men and to women. I believe that you can not help who you fall in love with. I do believe that when you are with someone in a relationship, you should be devoted to only them. No funny business – it only ends in disaster. I do usually prefer men, but I will never knock the other possibilities.

23. I started watching porn when I was pregnant (used to be totally against them, but something in my hormones drastically changed when I was pregnant) and I still watch them. ;-)

24. I am not currently happy with my physical weight. I have let myself go and my weight has fluctuated so much since the panic attacks started. Another reason why I want off my meds, but I am currently working on this. *20 lbs down and 20 more to go!* :)

25. I have nightmares and vivid, strange dreams almost every night.

26. I am addicted to the internet – blog sites, myspace, etc. (ha big surprise)

27. I desperately want to move to Austin, Texas. I have lived in Big D all my life and do not like it. I don’t HATE it, as it’s my “home” and I have things that are special to me here, but my heart and my soul call out to Austin as home.

28. I LOVE flip flops and have too many pair to count

29. My favorite season is Autumn. The colors appeal to me so.

30. I hate the Texas heat. (yah I know) *this will NEVER change*

31. People say I barely look 18. I still get carded for cigarettes. I hope it’s like that when The Ladybug is 25. “You don’t look old enough to have a 25 year old!” hehe I also don’t feel like I am about to turn 30. I can’t explain it. *still happens and i'm well into 31*

32. I hate fixing things or putting things together. I definitely don’t have the “handyman” or “handywoman” gift.

33. I do however, like to decorate, but I don’t like the work involved to get to that point…ie…tearing down wallpaper. I love to paint, but the wallpaper thing, I would rather have my blood drawn.

34. I do not like “girly” things. My house is very “neutral”. I love earthy colors.

35. I wear glasses. I love my glasses. I used to wear contacts, but hated them. Been thinking about getting them again just to have in certain instances that they might be more practical than having my glasses on. Yes, I am BLIND as a bat!

36. My hair was straight as a board until I was in Jr. High where it started to become curly. I fought it for years by straightening and ironing my hair. I eventually gave up and now only wear it curly. Low maintenance. ;-)

37. I am a Pescetarian. I only eat veggies, dairy and fish. Been this way for 8 years and wouldn’t consider going back. I do it for moral reasons, not health reasons. *errrrrr...i now eat chicken and turkey, but i won't ever eat red meat again*

38. I love outdoor music festivals.

39. I have never owned a pair of high heels or heels of any kind for that matter and don’t ever see myself doing so in the future. I would fall over if I ever tried to walk I know. *ha - i do now - they're not too high though. however, i do still HATE them...but unfortunately we have to be professional at work :) *

40. My left ear is smaller than my right ear and they visibly look different. Weird, I know.

41. I wear a size 9 – 9 ½ shoe *my feet are growing apparently now it's 9 1/2-10*

42. I consider myself a Liberal. I never got into politics until this last election, but have always believed in a “liberal” fashion. I love debating with my cousin on this issue because we both have such strong beliefs and similar personalities, but at opposite ends of the spectrum. *um..yah that cousin thing....we don't even SPEAK anymore*

43. I get extremely emotional when speaking politics, religion or on humanity issues. I wish I could change the world.

44. I prefer wood burning fires over gas logs. I would never dream of having an artificial Christmas tree, although I know cutting down real ones is not alongside my normal beliefs. There is something about a real Christmas tree.

45. I drive a 1999 Toyota 4-Runner, which is also against my normal environmental beliefs. Eek. Sometimes I feel guilty driving it, but I also feel safe driving it in Dallas. I would consider getting another more environmentally friendly vehicle if I lived elsewhere, but sometimes you just have to adapt to your environment! I wouldn’t feel safe in anything else right now. Since I also have a daughter, I have to put her safety ahead of my personal beliefs as well. *i know have a hyundai santa a little better*

46. I don’t wear a lot of makeup. I believe you should let your natural beauty shine!

47. My daughter thinks I am a goofball. I’m ok with that.

48. I hate watching the news, but I also feel out of touch with the world if I don’t keep up with it. So I only watch it in the mornings when I am getting ready for work. I usually turn off the tv feeling depressed with humanity.

49. I was in a horribly abusive relationship from the time I was 17 through 20. It started out only mentally, then turned physical. I thought I had healed from it, but it took my current boyfriend at the time to recognize that I wasn’t. I went to therapy for a year for it and I have since healed. It saved my life. I view relationships completely through a different lens now.

50. I have a huge heart. I would do anything for my friends and family and people that I care about.

51. I despise war. I do not believe that there is ANY reason in this world for anyone to go to war for anything – nothing at all. Sorry, but you could never change my view on that. I have believed that since I was a young teenager.

52. I am very free spirited and open minded. I am not racist, or intolerant of others’ religious beliefs, sexual preference or political views. As long as no one is doing anything to harm another person’s life, then by all means, do as you wish.

53. Some days I believe in God, others I don’t know what I believe. This is a subject that I still ponder daily and I am still very open to possibilities. I have also pondered becoming Buddhist. I took a “religion” quiz and I matched with Buddhism better than anything else. I was raised Methodist and I thank my parents gratefully as I would not be the person I am today with the morals that I have without them. I do not attend church anymore for a lot of reasons, but one being that for some reason I get very emotional at church services and tear up. Strange, I know.

54. I believe in ghosts. I have seen my grandfather’s ghost after he passed away. I was 8 and still remember it to this day like it happened yesterday. I get chills every time someone talks about them or I watch specials on tv. I love to hear about other people’s experiences with them. I do not think I could, however, visit a haunted house overnight. I really want to, but don’t think I could let myself! ;-)

55. I believe in UFO’s. I believe in life on other planets. I became an X-Files junkie and my curiosity just heightened more.

56. I despise the word government. I am intrigued by “conspiracies”. I believe there is a cure for AIDS, I believe the government released the AIDS virus. I believe our livelihood is all controlled by the government. SCARY.

57. I never learned to really cook. Honestly I don’t really enjoy it. Some things I like to make, but I have come to face the fact that I will never really like it. I will leave it to the individuals that do – more power to em! I will enjoy THEIR cooking. ;-) Man, I would have killed myself back in the 1800’s. LOL *k...i'm honestly WORKING on this one :-p *

58. I have not traveled much. I have a desire to travel Europe – especially Italy, Spain and Greece. I also want to travel more of the US and Canada.

59. I am afraid of flying in an airplane, but I am not afraid of heights. It’s the being suspended in air with nothing grounding you that scares me.

60. I am a clean freak. Except for my car. Strange how that works, my car is trashed out, but my house is always SPOTLESS!

61. I get anxious in nursing homes and hospitals. I HATE the smell of those places. Gives me the creeps to this day.

62. My grandparents on my mother’s side died before I was born and my dad’s father died when I was 8, his mother when I was 12. I wish I could have known them all. I feel like a part of me is missing from not experiencing them while they were alive.

63. I like seafood, but not crustaceans. Ick. Nothing exotic either…no octopus or anything of the sort. No sushi either. bleck.

64. I drink a ridiculous amount of water throughout the day at work. 1 liter in the morning and 1 liter after lunch. Whew.

65. I have been on birth control pills for 6 8 years.

66. I wish I could play the guitar or violin. *currently learning the acoustic guitar*

67. I took piano lessons for a few years when I was in Jr. High. I miss it. I still remember a Bach piece I can still play to this day.

68. I have had stitches in 3 parts of my body. Forehead, chin and upper left thigh. I will leave the stories out as I don’t feel like embarrassing myself at the moment.

69. I used to write poetry a lot in high school. I have a collection of my poems that I open once a year and read. I think a fire inside of me died because I can’t write anything now for the life of me.

70. I have more male friends than I do females friends. I am not a typical female – I hate shopping, I hate cooking, I have just always gotten along with guys better all my life.

71. I have slacked a lot over the years on my moral beliefs regarding environment, vegetarianism, etc. Before I had my daughter I was very active in it all, but since then, it’s hard to find the time to get involved. I would hope that I can again when she gets older. I enjoyed being a part of it.

72. I wore a size 34B bra before I had my daughter. I now wear a 36C and hate it. The less boobs, the better, if you ask me. They only get in the way.

73. I am addicted to People magazine. I am guaranteed to buy it waiting in line at the grocery store if I see it or pick it up and read it if I see it laying around somewhere.

74. I am addicted to everything HARRY POTTER!

75. I am a modern day hippie. And yes, I shave my legs and my pits. Every day in fact…if I don’t, I feel irritated. My hair is so course that I can’t stand it touching or rubbing up against things. I shower every day also. I do love my patchwork clothes and hippie things though! And yes, I LOVE patchouli, but not used to cover up odors. Yuck. My favorite incense is Nag Champa. Aaaah.

76. I love to dance and have opened up about it more as I get older. I used to be so shy, but now-a-days…who cares! Dance to your heart’s content!

77. I have recently over the past year or so learned to play dominoes and I am addicted. I love darts, horseshoes and bocce ball too. most recently acquired skills. ;-)

78. In my younger years, I fell in love fast or what I thought was love. And I also fell OUT of love just as fast. I want to experience that true, real "love". **and i have finally found it...i am madly in love with a wonderful man**

79. I usually feel like one of the guys. Nothing shocks me anymore. I am definitely not “lady like”.

80. I am a cheeseball and usually like anything campy or cheesy. I also like cheese ALOT - yes, the kind that you eat.

81. My favorite movies are black and white. The acting and actors/actresses from that era were one in a million.

82. I love nostalgia. I sometimes think I was born in the wrong era.

83. I have a very small family, compared to most.

84. I had been to an insane amount of funerals by the time I was in Jr. High. Death is a strange thing to me, but doesn’t phase me as it does most people. Although, I have not had a close friend or my parents pass away yet. I’m sure I will not handle it well at all. I dread the day.

85. I am a procrastinator.

86. I hate being late to things. Although with the pattern I have been in lately, I will probably be late to my own funeral.

87. I am afraid of dying, especially now that I have a child to look after. But there is no doubt in my mind that between everyone in her life that cares about her that she will not have the best life possible. But the fear of missing out on my child’s life scares me to death.

88. I love taking pictures – there is something about capturing a moment in time that amazes me. I am very sentimental. VERY.

89. I think that Lance Armstrong is a wonderful athlete and person to look up to for anyone, especially kids. 'bout time. I truly admire him. *hmm...yah...ok...i guess is till do, but haven't thought that much about it in a long time*

90. I got arrested once. A year after I graduated. In front of my old high school. At time school lets out. I had an unpaid speeding ticket. I spent 7 hours in Lou Sterrett jail. Never want to experience that again.

91. I absolutely love brussel sprouts. Hate mushrooms and bean sprouts. Yes, I know I am not a typical vegetarian. Mushrooms taste like dirt. Honest. They do. Bleck.

92. I love chatting on instant messenger and I have all 3. AIM, Yahoo & MSN. Doh! *i don't use any messengers anymore - except msn only on occasion, but it's rare*

93. You will never catch me at the zoo or at Sea World. I am a strong believer in how you treat animals that are supposed to be in the wild. Or animals in general at all. I did a paper or dolphins in captivity when I was in high school and I have believed this way ever since.

94. My grandmother was an alcoholic and smoked like a chimney. My grandfather was married 6 times – twice to my grandmother.

95. My mom and I are now closer than we have ever been. We despised each other when I was in high school and even a bit out of that point. It’s slowly gotten better. I would say we are ALMOST friends. I still don’t tell her everything. ;-) But having the relationship I have with my mom has taught me about the kind of mother I want to be with The Ladybug. I want her to be able to tell me everything and I want us to eventually be the best of friends when she is all grown up.

96. I am a daddy’s girl and still am. My dad is my hero. There is no one else in the world like him.

97. I don’t eat breakfast. If I do, I eat something very small. I don’t like eating when I first wake up.

98. I listen to music really loud when I am in the car by myself. :-)

99. My eyes change color on a daily basis. They are hazel, but shift from different shades of greens and browns daily.

100. I love watching fireworks on 4th of July. No matter how old I get. And driving around looking at Christmas lights at that. There is something simply wonderful about both of them.

101. I have a whole other “adopted” family that lives across the ocean. My oldest friend of 16 18 years and her family are my extended family. I don’t know what I would do without them.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Someone call the looney bin

ok so we just got our outdoor soccer schedule today and it starts sunday. why are there so many games scheduled at 3pm?!?! what the hell people, do you really want us to DIE? i'm going to go to the medical supply store and go ahead and rent me a respirator for the next month or 2 until it gets below 100 again.

uhhhmmm...this could provide some inspiration:

Monday, August 13, 2007


What Your Pizza Reveals

Your appetite is pretty average. You don't go overboard - but you don't deprive yourself either.

You aren't particularly picky about pizza. It's so good... how could you be? You fit in best in the Western part of the US.

You like food that's traditional and well crafted. You aren't impressed with "gourmet" foods.

You are dependable, loyal, and conservative with your choices.

You are definitely unique and artistically inclined. You should consider traveling to Prague.

The stereotype that best fits you is hippie. You knew it was coming.

Friday, August 10, 2007

Yesterday's 'DAILYOM'

i don't usually post these in my blog, but i get them via email everyday. i just thought this one seemed fitting. enjoy! ~ namaste ~

August 9, 2007
Begetting Change
Same Choices, Same Results

Repeated bouts of adversity are an unavoidable aspect
of human existence. We battle against our
inner struggles or outer world forces, and in many
cases, we emerge on the opposite side of struggle
stronger and better equipped to cope with the
challenges yet to come. However, we can
occasionally encounter trials that seem utterly
hopeless. We strike at them with all of our
creativity and perseverance, hoping desperately
to bring about change, only to meet with the
same results as always. Our first instinct in such
situations is often to push harder against the
seemingly immovable obstruction before us,
assuming that this time we will be met with a
different outcome. But staying power and stamina
net us little when the same choices consistently
garner the same results. A change in perspective,
behavior, or response can do so much more to
help us move past points where no amount of
effort seems sufficient to overcome the difficulties
before us.
Whether our intention is to change ourselves or
some element of the world around us, we cannot
simply wish for transformation or hope that our
lives will be altered through circumstance. If our
patterns of thought and behavior remain
unchanged, our lives will continue to unfold much
as they have previously. Patterns in which
fruitless efforts prevail can be overcome with self
examination and courage. It is our bravery that
allows us to question the choices we have made
thus far and to channel our effort into innovation.
Asking questions and making small adjustments to
your thought processes and behaviors will help
you discover what works, so you can leave that
which does not work behind you. To break free
from those unconscious patterns that have long
held sway over your actions and reactions, you
will likely have to challenge your assumptions on a
most basic level. You must accept once and for all
that your beliefs with regard to cause and effect
may no longer be in accordance with your needs.

Stagnation is often a sign that great changes are
on the horizon. Courting the change you wish to
see in yourself and in the world around you is a
matter of acknowledging that only change begets
change. The results you so ardently want to
realize are well within the realm of possibility, and
you need only step away from the well-worn
circular path to explore the untried paths that lie
beyond it.

Thursday, August 09, 2007


sooooooo....Horizon came over last night just so we could sleep next to each other - it wasn't until late and i was already asleep. tonight we are going out...but....i am straying from my point here.

my phone rings at the butt-crack of dawn this morning. in my groggish daze, i finally awaken, focus enough to try and read the number coming through my phone. i recognized the area code, but the number wasn't in my phone, so i had no idea who it was. after a moment of contemplation as to whether or not i was going to talk to this bastard who had the balls to call me at 5:15 in morning (somebody better be dead or in jail or severely on the brink of death...), i finally answer the phone. didn't recognize the voice at first, then it hit me instantly. The-EX-Roomie / ex-boyfriend. fabulous. completely caught me off guard. keep in mind i haven't talked to him literally since february. Horizon is stirring a bit as i'm trying to talk quietly. basically he called to tell me he wanted to hear my voice and that he wanted to see me and that he thinks about me a lot.!?! you f'in ass mangler. at first i'm like "hmmm...really?!"...then that moment of surprise, got caught completely in anger. i immediately get out of bed and head downstairs as not to awaken my sleeping beauty next to me with the nasty words that are about to fly out of my mouth.

so i proceed : "so what exactly is it that you miss, "The-EX-Roomie"? hmmmm? was it the second to last time i saw you when you had your massive hand gripping my throat or was it the LAST time when you were yelling at me in the back of my own car telling me 'shut the fuck up, bitch'?"

*dead silence*

The-EX-Roomie : "uh...that's not what i know how sorry i am for all that..."

moi: "yah...well...i have forgiven, but i'm also not stupid enough to forget."

he proceeds to tell me that he is at the sister's house of one of our mutual friends because he's helping him with his new album. so i ask if said friend knows that he was calling me. "no."...

moi: "ah...well of course not, because he would have chewed your ass up and down for it." (said friend is very protective of me at this point after the way The-EX-Roomie had treated me.

moi: "look, The-EX-Roomie, i don't have anything against you, i don't hate you...none of that...i just truly don't see any need in us talking. i mean if i see you somewhere where other mutual friends are, i will be cordial, but i don't want to be speaking to you on a friendly basis ever again. i have finally gotten to a point where i'm happy in my life, have minimal drama, and have found a very loving, caring man who has chosen to share his life with me. what more could i want?"


moi: "ok....i'm just going to go ahead and end this conversation now...goodbye The-EX-Roomie."

hang up. take a huge breath and say to myself how proud i am of myself for what i just did.

start to walk up the stairs to go back to bed and my phone beeps with a text message.

"i would really like to see you"



lay back down and crawl as close as i can to my honey without suffocating him...lay awake for a bit longer, then next thing i know my alarm is going off. ugh. joy of joys.

so i contemplate what had just happened for the first part of the morning at work. i decided to tell Horizon about it. i emailed him and asked if he remembered my phone ringing...he did, but was too out of it to even hear what i had said. i told him everything. he immediately responded with care and concern and said i should have woken him up after the phone call so we could have talked about it and he could have comforted me. how sweet is he? that wasn't what i needed to do though. honestly, i realize now the conversation and me mulling it over in my mind was all i needed to do within myself to let it go. (of course i am blogging about it, but now i'm just telling a story and not blogging about something that effects my life on an emotional level)

so there we have it my friends. go me! i actually stood up for myself and said what needed to be said at the time it needed to be said. wow, maybe the older i get, the wiser i become. or quick witted for that matter. or maybe it was all the years of watching the gilmore girls.

Wednesday, August 08, 2007


my whole life i've always been weary of change. whether it be good or weariness was always bothersome. but the fact is, whether positive or negative, it's all in how you embrace that change.

i've lived my life comfortably. always comfortable, but never feeling satisfied or feeling like "THIS" is truly where i am supposed to be....until now.

i started a new job last week and it fits me perfectly. i enjoy everything about it - the people i work with, the job i am here to do...finally. i think i'm truly in the right place and headed in the direction i wish to move and with the opportunity to do so laying straight ahead in front of me. what a refreshing feeling!

and my love life. i'm almost speechless. i met the most amazing man in march of this year. after many trials and tribulations of past relationships...some good and some...well...pretty horrible actually, i have FINALLY met the person that is perfect for me. my views on fate and destiny change almost daily sometimes, but i have to believe that something somewhere brought us together...knowing how perfect we are for each other. for once i am actually receiving just as much as i give. it's a beautiful feeling....i'm still trying to get used to the idea and my stubborness rears it's ugly head on occasion, but i am absolutely glowing. i have that relationship that i would look upon that couple and say "they are so perfect, it just makes you sick". I HAVE THAT NOW!!!!!!! and people around us even ones that don't know us very well see it...they see us light up when we are together and our love just shines. my puzzle is actually becoming complete. i've been so blessed in my life and that was the only puzzle piece that was missing. i have found it and i can truly say "i'm happy." and really mean it. i got this email from Horizon yesterday:

"I’ve never had love as a form of inspiration before, but I want to be a better man… a better person, someone that’s worthy of your shining light and love. Your heart pushes me to improve myself – this mass of insecurities, muddled thoughts, and doubts – so that I can bring you everything positive that I have to give. I want to be able to view my reflection and know that I’ve earned every bit of love that you’ve ever given and continue to give to me, and that I’m giving you as much in return. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to live up to the gift of you, but I’ll use my very last breath and heart beat trying."

i am so in love with this man. i am looking forward to making that next step. we are talking about moving in together when my lease is up in april. he is in a town 45 minutes from where i live, so we are going to have to find a middle ground for both of us. my new job has moved me about 15 minutes closer, but we will be looking in an area that neither one of us are very familiar with, but i am looking forward to getting out of this city...even just a small ways out of it. i think it will be lovely.

that's really all i got. just wanted to gloat for a moment and share my happiness.

happy tuesday!