Saturday, May 28, 2016

Narcissism

I jokingly posted a meme on Facebook about a month ago with a photo of a pinup girl stating "My milkshake brings all the emotionally dysfunctional, selfish, narcissistic alcoholics to the yard".

I laugh because it's true (atleast I can have a sense of humor about it), but in reality it's not so funny.  And it's true as shit.

I have always been attracted to the broken.  Because I'm a fixer.  I'm a textbook Al-Anon.  I have always been attracted to the artists, to the creatives, to the non-conventional.  I love them.  I am drawn to them like a magnet.  And I know that will never change.

However, with every experience in life, you must learn something.  If you don't, you're doing it wrong.

I've learned that I become easily co-dependent in relationships and completely offer 100% of myself to the other person.  I lose myself in the process. I become completely selfless and everything I do is for them and to make sure they are taken care of or happy.

I first came to Al-Anon because of the effects of alcoholism in my life.  But after being in the program for 2 years now, it's so much more than that.  It's a way of life...not just in dealing with alcoholism, but in dealing with every single thing in life.

I didn't intend for this post to be about Al-Anon, but I can't help but bring it up in everything because it is such a huge part of my life.

So we know I gravitate towards the alcoholics and the addicts...because that's what I do.  I'm good at it.

If you are an alcoholic, it doesn't necessarily mean you are a narcissist as well, however, they can go hand in hand.

I didn't really know anything about narcissism.  All I knew is that it was someone who was self involved.  Someone that was vain or constantly concerned about their appearance. I didn't really understand it though.  I didn't know that it goes much deeper than that. I just assumed it was physical obsession of oneself.  Boy, was I misinformed.

My ex husband was a narcissist.  And my now ex is one as well.  I knew they were both alcoholics, but had no idea there were narcissistic tendencies.  Or that that was what it was/is.  And it's easily hidden because they hide behind the fa├žade of being selfless - that they are doing everything not for themselves, but for others - then it quickly turns and the ugly face of narcissism rears it's ugly head.

But the term has been brought up many times lately so I've been drawn to reading about it.

I recently read this article in The Huffington Post : The #1 Secret on How To Engage With A Narcissist.

The worst part about it all is that I finally have a program and no longer involve myself so deeply in the sicknesses and I know I am doing the right thing and have handled myself in a respectful and calm manner, yet the other person STILL manages to play the victim and to make me feel bad - and like I have been the horrible person and that I am the sole reason for the demise of our relationship.  Why?  Because it's engrained in me.  Because feeling like that is engrained in me.  For allowing someone to make me feel like that is engrained in me.

So I just have to continue to stick close to my program and to constantly reassure myself that I am doing the right thing for me and to continue to do the next right thing.

And I don't regret these experiences.  I am solely responsible for my part I play in these relationships and for allowing myself to be a part of these relationships.  But I do know that I am growing and I am learning.  And I am becoming a stronger woman in having those experiences.  So that hopefully the next time may be a little different.

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