A Long Time Ago

I am at the point in my recovery program that I am writing my amends letters.

I've already completed a few and delivered those amends.  It was freeing.

But I'm not done and I've been stuck.  Honestly, I have to go back, but that's for a whole other blog post.

I'm stuck on one of the hardest.  My ex husband.

I've been reflecting on our relationship and our marriage for a few months now and trying to figure out how to begin.  That's not true.  I've begun the letter, but I'm stuck.

I've recently discovered this band.  I had heard a couple of songs on the radio and LOVED them, but only recently downloaded their entire album and listened to it.  And I'm obsessed with them.  Their songs are beautiful.  And haunting.  Did I say beautiful?  And oh, the lyrics.

I heard this song and had so many feels.  And it immediately hit me - this was totally my relationship with my ex.  And it's helping me move past being stuck there.  And it's helping me figure out the next thing to write and to say.

I've listened to this song like a broken record at times.

First Aid Kit - A Long Time Ago

I fell in love with you
Long before I knew
What it meant to give everything up
I was a rolling stone
Rolling my way alone
Till you came and made sense out of everything
But you couldn't wait
I couldn't promise you anything
If it was all a mistake
Then I guess we're both to blame
I could have been
So many things
But it would never be enough for you
I was the one
You counted on
But I was never the one for you
Now I know, I lost you a long time ago
City of strangers
Out of danger
In your arms, I was half awake, half asleep
Grab ahold to what I got
Regretting all that I'm not
I couldn't be the one who'd stand by your side
If it was all a mistake
Then I guess we're both to blame
I could have been
So many things
But it would never be enough for you
I was the one
You counted on
But I was never the one for you
Now I know, I lost you a long time ago
I hold no grudges
I come bearing forgiveness
Only love, only love
Even if it's not enough
Only love, only love
Even if it's not enough
Now I know, I lost you a long time ago
I could have been
So many things
But it would never be enough for you
I was the one
You counted on
But I was never the one for you
Now I know, I lost you a long time ago

Love Is Expressed In Many Ways

This post is going to be a little raw.

So it's no secret that I am a grateful member of Al-Anon.  Yes, it's an anonymous group, however, you choose whether you wish to remain anonymous or not.  I am happy to share my Al-Anon experiences and program with anyone who asks or is curious because if there is a chance that anyone may benefit from my experience, then it's worth it to me to share.

I am feeling lonely.

My son's father and I split up almost a year ago.  I went through almost my entire pregnancy alone.  I gave birth alone (without a "partner" anyway...I wasn't alone as I had my best friend in the room with me), I have been raising my son as of today alone.  He's almost 5 months old.  I haven't been intimate with anyone in almost a year.  I'm lonely.  I am feeling weak right now.  I let my guard down.

I'm sad now.  I've gone through all of the phases.  I've been strong.  I've gone through all of this alone, I've been angry and now I'm sad.

I reached out to my son's father a few days ago in hopes that we could get together for lunch and spend some time with our son together.  In hopes that MAYBE I could get through to him.  In hopes that MAYBE he was sober and doing well.  I knew better.  Expectations.  They can be the death of us.  Expectations automatically lead to disappointment.

And disappointment is what I felt.  10 fold.

Since having my son, I haven't been to many meetings.  I haven't moved forward on working my steps.  I have been part of a gratitude text daily and a daily reading text group that has kept me afloat in my program.  I haven't been close to my sponsor, nor reached out to her like I should.  And I feel it now more than ever.

Seeing my son's father this weekend was a slap in my face that I have to dive fully back into my program and stick as closely to it as I can.  He's back in the throws of alcoholism, he's unemployed, he's depressed and doing horribly.  It broke my heart to see him like that.  It was like a whirlwind of emotions and old feelings and looking into my old life with my ex-husband again.  Anxiety crept in.  The feeling of hopelessness crept in.  The guilt crept in.  That I let him be around our son in the state he was in.  Because of how I wanted things to be.  My own selfishness.

The reading in my daily Al-Anon reader was spot on yesterday.  And a total wake up call.

After a conversation with my best friend on New Years Eve, her words still ring in my ears.  "He will probably never be who you need him to be."

She's right.  And there isn't a damn thing I can do about it.  The only thing I can control is myself and to make sure my son is in the healthiest environment I can keep him in.  And that includes him not being around his father right now.  I don't know if he will ever be in a better place.  All I can do is pray for him and detach with love.  And have my healthy boundaries.  Which I have already set into place.  Atleast I do have my program and enough of it under my belt that when this encounter happened over the weekend, I KNEW what to do.  I KNEW what to say.  I knew not to revert to my old patterns and behavior.  Not to get angry.  But to Let Go and Let God.  To let go of my expectations as much as it hurt.  As much as it still hurts.  As I sit here and cry.

Because my life doesn't look as I imagined it to be with my son.  I went to Central Market yesterday and saw families shopping together and my heart broke as it was just me and my son.  How I wished with all of my might that I could be shopping with MY family.  With my son and his father.  But that will probably never happen.  And that's ok.  That's why I have Al-Anon.

I have begun the countdown to our big move.  My son and I are moving across the country to start over.  I have never been more ready to start a new life in a new place. Tentatively set to leave 7/2/17.