A Long Time Ago

I am at the point in my recovery program that I am writing my amends letters.

I've already completed a few and delivered those amends.  It was freeing.

But I'm not done and I've been stuck.  Honestly, I have to go back, but that's for a whole other blog post.

I'm stuck on one of the hardest.  My ex husband.

I've been reflecting on our relationship and our marriage for a few months now and trying to figure out how to begin.  That's not true.  I've begun the letter, but I'm stuck.

I've recently discovered this band.  I had heard a couple of songs on the radio and LOVED them, but only recently downloaded their entire album and listened to it.  And I'm obsessed with them.  Their songs are beautiful.  And haunting.  Did I say beautiful?  And oh, the lyrics.

I heard this song and had so many feels.  And it immediately hit me - this was totally my relationship with my ex.  And it's helping me move past being stuck there.  And it's helping me figure out the next thing to write and to say.

I've listened to this song like a broken record at times.

First Aid Kit - A Long Time Ago

I fell in love with you
Long before I knew
What it meant to give everything up
I was a rolling stone
Rolling my way alone
Till you came and made sense out of everything
But you couldn't wait
I couldn't promise you anything
If it was all a mistake
Then I guess we're both to blame
I could have been
So many things
But it would never be enough for you
I was the one
You counted on
But I was never the one for you
Now I know, I lost you a long time ago
City of strangers
Out of danger
In your arms, I was half awake, half asleep
Grab ahold to what I got
Regretting all that I'm not
I couldn't be the one who'd stand by your side
If it was all a mistake
Then I guess we're both to blame
I could have been
So many things
But it would never be enough for you
I was the one
You counted on
But I was never the one for you
Now I know, I lost you a long time ago
I hold no grudges
I come bearing forgiveness
Only love, only love
Even if it's not enough
Only love, only love
Even if it's not enough
Now I know, I lost you a long time ago
I could have been
So many things
But it would never be enough for you
I was the one
You counted on
But I was never the one for you
Now I know, I lost you a long time ago