i should not be posting to this now, as i am currently so busy, i have work coming out of my ears. i've taken quite a bit of a hiatus from the blogging world (even from keeping up with my lovely blogging friends - to those of you, i apologize). don't know when i will come back on a regular basis, but just know i'm still out here in the void...just not as loyal as i have been in the past.
i've had so many things i've been wanting to write about lately, but work has taken over my life at the moment, i hardly have time to breathe on my own. it can't go on like this forever, right?
this month is quite bittersweet for me. actually i don't really mean bittersweet in the conventional sense. i don't get depressed over the holidays like some people do - for a number of reasons. it's always a time of reflection for me and it's also a slap in my face. it's the time of year that i reflect on everything i have done in the 12 months prior to this and what i HAVEN'T done. what i tell myself i will accomplish in the following 12 months. this is the month when my spirituality comes out full force and my inner struggles almost become too much to bear. i could probably write an entire novel on my tug-of-war with religion i have experienced since as far back as i can remember. the reason for the season. the birth of christ. or jesus. as i prefer to refer to him as...much less...uh...christian.
a prophet. a real life person in my eyes. in some people's eyes : the son of god or even the human form of god. this part i am skeptical on. believing that jesus was who he was in the historical sense has never been difficult for me. history can prove jesus's existence on earth.
divinity is my weakness. christmas songs. i truly love the spirit and i love the songs. as i hear them throughout this month, i guarantee you i will come unglued and cry atleast 10 times. happens every year. this whole "god" struggle really comes out.
i've been talking about visiting this church that my lovely dandelion seeds attends. i have had the desire to go check it out. to see if the experience brings anything to my life. brings any clarity to my contemplations. i haven't yet gone. i think i'm scared. scared of possibly finding my way. i am not a big believer in organized religion. FOR ME anyway. to each his own of course, but for me, spirituality is about your own personal relationship with...eeek...."god". or the divine one...or the goddess...or buddha...or whomever you choose to believe in. (that's a whole other struggle in itself - part of be believes in god...another part a goddess and another part buddha and my native american in me pulls me in another direction - how can i live with myself being pulled in so many directions). it's like...here are your options - choose ONE. ugh. why do i have to only choose one? will i feel incomplete if i only choose that ONE? i think this is why i have remained agnostic for so many years. i am too afraid to make the full journey. but really...why all the stamps? why do i have to be christian or buddhist or agnostic or jewish? why can't i just be "spiritual"? i don't know how to do that. i do to an extent, but i'm incomplete. i am an incomplete me. my incomplete self.
this month, i am going to take an active roll in pushing myself a little harder. a little harder into my spiritual journey. this holiday season, that is my goal.
i want to write about jeff buckley. i want to write about other artists/people that inspire me or that i believe were or are more than just an ordinary human being. i want to write about some christmas cds i recommend. i want to write about love...about peace...about yoga...about meditation...about our new president and the impact of this election on us and the world. i want to write about my life. unfortunately, i just don't have the time right now.
hopefully my life will calm down a bit and won't be completely cluttered with work, work and more work. til then, happy holidays to you all. much love. ~ namaste ~