Sunday, September 28, 2014

Anger and Resentment

I am feeling very angry and resentful today.  Towards my husband.

I mistakenly texted him these feelings which I will later owe him an amends for, but I am just so angry right now.

I am not perfect by any means nor have I ever portrayed this.

I know we are both hurting right now, but I feel as though I got the short end of the stick on this deal.

Throughout our relationship, we've tended to have more struggles than contentment.  But I have loved this man for so long and wanted nothing more than to marry him.

The addiction has hovered over our entire relationship and our marriage.  Despite it all, I have stuck by him.  I dealt with the crisis' the best I knew how.  I wasn't working a program and I didn't have the tools to help me, so my life became his.  His addictions.  Alcoholism and drug addiction is a family disease.  And when you are the wife of one, it becomes your life.

I used to blame him because I didn't understand.  I would become angry and say things I didn't mean because I didn't know any different.

I suppose what I said to him today reverted back to that old behavior, but I have made progress, not perfection.  Nor will it ever be perfection.

I took a vow to my husband and to God in front of our family and friends that I took seriously.  To this day, my husband still believes that I cheated on him and did things behind his back while he was using.

I remained 1,000% faithful to my husband.  My vows I took seriously.

He did not.  He blames me now for the way I acted and treated him while he was sick and he's justifying his new "relationship" with this 21 year old by blaming the demise of our marriage on me and my actions.

Dear God, I know I am not perfect like I said, but I am also a good person with a good heart and good morals.

Our relationship has become more toxic and more toxic.  Even in this separation I think.  I am sick to think that he's shacked up with this other girl - and yes, I say girl, because she's not a woman - she's 21 fucking years old.  The committee in my mind automatically goes there and goes to that dark place.  They spend all of their time together.  And he had the balls to tell me he thought we could be "friends".  I'm all about the peace and love ideal, but friends?!?  Seriously, right now?  All he's doing is justifying his actions by saying our marriage was over a long time ago.

I knew in my gut what was going on before we even separated.  He tried to convince me otherwise.

I feel like a fool right now.  Like I've been lied to, used and a freaking stepping stone.

The difference now is that I have a program and people I can reach out to who have been in my shoes.  Who know EXACTLY what I have been through and what I'm going through.  The difference now is that I feel these feelings, but I am able to get over it quicker.

I'm making progress.

But that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt like hell or that I don't get angry as hell like I am today.

The saddest part is that he's not even sober anymore.  I wish I could blame it on HIM, but this fucking disease is controlling his life again and leading him down  a path of these bad choices.

I probably shouldn't really be posting this to my blog...I may take it down, but for now, it's helping me.

It's helping me to type this out and to not be so angry.  To understand that the disease is back in full force again.  I feel bad for texting him out of anger now.  So be it, I will get over it and clean my side of the street when the time comes.

He's still my husband though and this fucking sucks.  I love him beyond any words can express and have stuck by him through it all and I feel like he's now thrown it away for a blonde 21 year old.  Although I know it's not the blonde 21 year old - it's the disease.  But she's still real.  And she's taken my husband and his heart.

1 comment:

Elizabeth said...

I'm entered through the next blog feature. I'm so sorry you're going through such a difficult time.

I understand that addiction is a disease, but he made a lot of choices in the process. I read that you still love this man. I hope that you love yourself even more. Not only more, but enough. Enough to draw boundaries for yourself and stick to them for the good of your spirit and your future.

Take good care, and continue to work the steps in your support group. You are not alone as long as you seek support.