Wednesday, October 01, 2014

Turning Over A New Leaf

Why?

Because it's Fall, of course :)

Happy October 1st.

I can't believe it's already October.

I've been having a feeling of a shift, if you will, happening in me the last week or so. Not sure if it's due to the changing of the seasons, as this is my favorite season of the year or if it's just time. Just time for change and for a new beginning.

I've been feeling different lately. As I stated before, my emotions have been all over the place and I was at a real anger and resentment spot this past weekend....while letting out those feelings to the one person I probably shouldn't have...I did anyway. But maybe that was it. Maybe that's what I needed to do to let it go. I apologized the following day via text and was able to tell my husband happy birthday via text yesterday without any other emotions or anything else involved. It felt good. He sent me a couple of pictures with the food his mother made him for his birthday and I responded nicely, then the last photo I caught a glimpse of "the other girl"'s legs and boots under the table in the photo. I decided not to respond after that. It stung, but I didn't obsess on it. And I let it go.

That's a big deal for me. That's how I know that I'm changing...that I'm growing in my program and as a person. That I truly am "Letting Go and Letting God"

This separation has been the hardest thing for me. And knowing that your significant other has just moved on seemingly so easily to the next relationship makes it even worse. And the part that sucks the worst is that he promised he would never leave me again for someone else because he had done it SO MANY F'ING times thoughout our relationship before we got engaged. He promised he had changed. But you know what? That was his decision. I am not perfect and I certainly am not easy to live with, but I am worthy of happiness and I know I am worthy of being loved wholly. I refuse to let anyone hurt me anymore as I allowed before and take away my joy and my serenity, because I'm ready to have that in my life again. First and foremost, I deserve to love MYSELF. I am shifting my thoughts on myself and working on my own happiness instead of worrying and obsessing over a husband that I can't control. And you know what? It's not my problem anymore. We are separated and he made a conscious decision to do something that I'm not ok with, so he has to live with that. And maybe it's what he needs. But that's not my concern anymore. My concern is ME....loving myself, guarding myself against anything that can hurt me (for now until I'm ready to make that step which will be absolutely no time soon) and moving forward with MY life. For ME...not for anyone else. And in the future, if I do find someone else, I will be the best person I can be, worthy to give and receive love and in the best place in my life

I had been contemplating a concert this week that I wanted to attend. There were actually 2 that I was bouncing between, but one on Thursday evening that I really really wanted to go to. I hadn't made any plans with anyone to go, so I was just thinking that I wouldn't go. But yesterday, a feeling came over me and I told myself, screw this...get out of your comfort zone - you want to go, so go BY YOURSELF! YES! So I posted it to Facebook. A friend that I have had on Facebook for many years whom I have never met reached out to me and said she had been wanting to go and was also contemplating going by herself as well. So it came together...we each bought a ticket and we are meeting up before the show for a drink, then will hang out at the show together. Who knows, it could be a beginning of a beautiful friendship. That's how I know that God is working in my life. And even if that hadn't been the turn of events, I was still going by myself. I had committed and bought the ticket. I'm sure this won't be the last time that I want to do something and actually decide to do it by myself, for myself.

So here's to a great rest of the week. Here's to a happy autumn season and to change. *Cheers y'all*


1 comment:

Shawna said...

You are awesome. This is a beautiful, inspiring post. Keep up the good energy; it pulses through you and out to others.