Sunday, March 20, 2016

Sunday Morning Deep Thoughts

So, I've been reflecting a lot on my life and the mystery of it.  If you had told me this time last year where I would be right now, I may not believe you.  But life has a way of making twists and turns that we necessarily didn't see coming.

I've always marched to my own beat.  Since I was a little toddler.  If I wanted something, I went after it.  And I would never wait for anyone to help me or for them to do it.  I'd do it myself.  That hasn't changed too much in my 40 years earthside.

Turning 40 this year has given me a bit of a shift if you will.

I've certainly made some mistakes in my life or taken the road that is less sought after, but I don't regret a second of it.  I've had many unconventional relationships, had a child out of wedlock in my early 20's, eventually did get married to a man I 'thought' was my soulmate, which ultimately ended in divorce around this time last year.  I never have really considered myself a huge risk taker, but thinking about it, I truly am.  Not in the "I'm going to go skydiving or take risks that could risk my untimely death" type of risk taker, but a life risk taker.  And I create my own path.  I always have.  And now is no different.

I've done things in my life that I haven't been afraid to do or that might be outside of certain people's "approval" and received quite a bit of judgment.  I normally don't care too much what other people think of me and my decisions and that still holds true.  But I have to admit it stings sometimes.  I mean we are all human and we all seek others approval.  Some more than others.

Despite some judgments or worries from certain people in my life, I've made a pretty good life for myself.  I have a stable career, make decent money, own my own home, have a beautiful 17 year old daughter who is an amazing kid, I take care of my responsibilities and overall have a good life.  I still have goals I have set for myself that I have yet to accomplish, which I'm sure I will have until the day I leave this earth, but for 40 years old, again, I've made a decent life for myself.

I've never been very level headed when it comes to relationships.  I tend to just go with my heart on things, which in turn has caused me some heartache in the past and currently, but again, I don't regret any of it.  And I definitely take responsibility of my own willingness and actions in said relationships. I wouldn't be the person I am today without those experiences.

I've found myself lately feeling as though I have to make excuses for things or try and make others understand my decisions or to justify them.  Especially as of late.  And I don't like having to feel like I have to do that.  But I still feel as though I have to because I know I am being judged.  Family, friends, extended family, strangers, acquaintances, you name it.

But the more I think about it, why do I even bother?  If someone genuinely cares about me and loves me for who I am, they won't judge me and they will understand and stand by me no matter what without me having to explain anything.  Because THOSE are the people I want in my life.  Family or friends the same.  The reason I am now writing about all of this is that I discovered that a family member de-friended me on Facebook simply because of the fact that I am pregnant expecting a baby and not married or technically "together" with the father of the baby at the moment.  And that's fucked up.  Truly.  And I know I say I don't care, but I do because this is someone that is my family.  And it hurts that they are so judgmental and so critical of something that they have created their own judgment based on something that may not be true and they don't know the complete story...but don't even bother to ask or to understand.

Don't get me wrong, I understand my family and my friends and the father's family and friends are all worried about the situation and concerned.  But being concerned and worried is one thing but being outright hateful and judgmental is another.  Especially when it's not even your body or your relationship.  I appreciate the concern, I really do, but I don't appreciate or accept the judgment or the hatred.  Because it's not your place.  My path is part of God's plan that He has for me.  I am not in charge and neither are you.

So with all of that being said, turning 40 has made me realize that I simply do not have time for bullshit in my life regarding relationships, family or friends or anyone else who will judge me.  (I also think it's a combination of my Al-Anon program and my yoga/meditation practice that has brought me to this realization)  It's sad, but I don't and I won't spend any more time focusing on it.  I will, however, spend all of my time taking care of myself, my children and going after my own dreams because I have lots of them and no one can stand in the way of me reaching them but myself.  I am an overtly caring person and have always done for others, but I have also not included myself in that equation.  It's time I start doing that and living a life that makes ME happy as well.  And not feeling bad or guilty about doing so.

So by all means, if you want to judge me for things you honestly don't understand as opposed to loving me for who I am, don't let the door hit you in the ass because I simply no longer have time for it.

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