Monday, April 18, 2016

Stop Looking In the Rear View Mirror, You Aren't Going That Way

I know I've been harping on this whole living in the past / worrying about the future thing, but this is where my thoughts have been lately.

My previous post keeps ringing in my ears and throughout my mind.

It is so true, yet so simply put.  I wish I had really gotten this years ago.

Change is always a progression, but being willing to do so and being open to change is key.  If you stay shut off to bettering yourself or learning a new way of thinking, you will always be stuck exactly where you are.  You can say you WANT to change all day, but if you don't open yourself up to it and be open to learning a new way of living, it simply will not happen.  If you don't do the work and you constantly live your life and long for the life you had in the past, the past is where you will stay.  If you don't do the work and constantly worry or yearn for something in the future, then that's where you will always stay.  Both of which rob you of the present moment.

For me, I have never dwelled on the past too much.  I know that there were things in my past that I didn't deal with like I should have, but I've never dreamed of or spent too much time reliving it.  Or wishing I was still there - for the good parts.  Hence, why I don't think I have ever been depressed for any length of significant time.  My struggle has always been anxiety and fear of the future.  So much so that I wasn't enjoying the present moment.  In my recovery work and working to retrain my brain to focus on the present, I am working past my anxiety.  I am learning to live in the now.  I am truly baffled at my progress I have made just by doing the work.  By not thinking I don't want to worry about the future, but actually retraining my brain to think differently.  I really also like that saying "if you want something you've never had, you must be willing to do something you've never done".

They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.  I was insane for most of my life.  Truly.  If the definition of insanity is just that, that is all I ever did.  I always WANTED things to be different.  To react differently to things or to act differently in certain situations or to NOT do something in a certain situation, but I didn't know that I had to do the WORK to actually make a change.

I get it.  Being stuck in a rut is hard.  I've been there and I'm not saying I will never be in a rut again.

I found something that works for me.  Over the past 2 years I have begun to grow into the person that I know that I am and that I know I am capable of being.  I will always be forever changing and growing until the day I leave this earth, but I couldn't be more content on the path that I am following.  I finally feel like I am heading in the right direction.  Not backwards, not too far forwards, but truly living in the NOW.

For the first time in my life, I am becoming content with who I am.  Not feeling like I HAVE to have someone in my life to complete me.  I am not currently in a relationship and I am content.  I don't know if I could have ever said that before.  I have always lost myself in relationships and been so co-dependent on my significant other in the past.  I would have told you that's not true because I am independent and an introvert and I'm ok with alone time, which is all true...although, I did lose part of myself by relying on that other person to fill a void instead of loving myself first and being content with ME.  Just me.  We all lose a little bit of ourselves being in relationships as we bend and flex to the others and it's a beautiful thing, but when you do it for the wrong reasons, it can be a disaster.

Also realizing that I can have boundaries and I don't have to bend and flex for someone who I am not compatible with and trying to force a compatibility regardless of the situation.  It's not being selfish, it's taking care of myself and not settling for anything less than what I want in a significant other.

I ended my last relationship due to a boundary I had set for myself initially and in turn, doing so brought to light many other aspects of this person that I did not see until doing so that I wasn't ok with.  Selfish and immature behaviors, lack of responsibility, complacency, non goal-driven, constantly living in the past...all of which made me realize even more that I made the right decision for me.  It's not an ideal situation in some people's eyes, but it's certainly ideal for me and that's the only thing that matters.  Doesn't mean I don't care about this person and want nothing but the best for them, but also knowing that I don't have to be the one to try and fix this person or to sacrifice my happiness and my growth when someone else is stuck.  I lived my life that way for too long and with too many relationships in my past.

And today I strive to live in the present.  And the more I train my mind and heart to do so, the easier and more natural it will be.

1 comment:

Optimistic Existentialist said...

So beautifully written and in the present is all we can do :)