Songs of Faith and Devotion

i wanted to share something with my readers today. for those of you that know me personally, you know that music is a HUGE part of my life. music moves me in ways that nothing else on this earth can. music has helped me out of the darkest days of my life and also led me through the happiest moments in my life. and still does to this day. i have a very wide range of music tastes and have a list of musicians and music that have played a very big part in my life. if you were to ask me who my all time favorite band is that has had the most influence on me - it would be depeche mode. i have followed them since i was in junior high and been a devotional (no pun intended with the title) fan of theirs from the first time i heard the album "catching up with depeche mode". i still have this cassette tape. i've seen them in concert more than 10 times (i've lost count) and will continue to see them every chance i get.

i saw this tour in 1993 at a very tough time in my life. i was dating a very abusive guy who was 8 years older than me at the time and i remember going to this show with him. i was 17 then. i adored this album and at that time, i was struggling with my faith. something i have done since as far back as i can remember. i was lost for a very long time. i believed in God, i didn't believe in God, i believed in "something"...i was always questioning and so confused. i always believe there was something there - i never considered myself athiest...but i always considered myself agnostic.

it wasn't until a few years ago that my faith truly started coming to me. that i was finally building a relationship with God. i continue to build that relationship daily with Him/Her. i have written a few times in this blog about my search and i'm sure there will be other posts in the future.

when i say i adore this album, i did. but i could never explain why. and in listening to the songs, i never really "got" them. i was driving home from work the other day, flipping through my cds and i found this album. i thought to myself that i hadn't heard it in so long and decided to pop it in the cd player. it has been in there on repeat since. i've probably listened to it atleast 8 times all the way through. i didn't realize until now the effect the words and the music had on me in this album until right now. it's funny when you've listened to something for so long and loved it, but it doesn't bring a deeper meaning until you least expect it.

every single song on this album is phenomenal. i did, however want to share with you all a few of the songs that move me the most. i am going to share a few videos from the devotional tour dvd that depeche mode put out and add the lyrics for you. i hope you enjoy them as well.

Depeche Mode - Higher Love




I can taste more than feel
This burning inside is so real
I can almost lay my hands upon
The warm glow that lingers on

Moved, lifted higher
Moved, my soul's on fire
Moved, by a higher love

I surrender all control
To the desire that consumes me whole
Leads me by the hand to infinity
Lies in wait at the heart of me

Moved, lifted higher
Moved, my soul's on fire
Moved, by a higher love

Heaven bound on the wings of love
There's so much that you can rise above

Moved, lifted higher
Moved, moved, by a higher love
By a higher love

I surrender heart and soul
Sacrificed to a higher goal

Moved, moved by a higher love
By a higher love
----------------------

Depeche Mode - Judas



Is simplicity best
Or simply the easiest
The narrowest path
Is always the holiest
So walk on barefoot for me
Suffer some misery
If you want my love
If you want my love

Man will survive
The harshest conditions
And stay alive
Through difficult decisions
So make up your mind for me
Walk the line for me
If you want my love
If you want my love

Idle talk
And hollow promises
Cheating Judases
Doubting Thomases
Don't just stand there and shout it
Do something about it

You can fulfill
Your wildest ambitions
And I'm sure you will
Lose your inhibitions
So open yourself for me
Risk your health for me
If you want my love
If you want my love
If you want my love
If you want my love
-------------

Depeche Mode - Mercy In You



You know what I need
When my heart bleeds
I suffer from greed
A longing to feed
On the mercy in you

I can't conceal
The way I'm healed
The pleasure I feel
When I have to deal
With the mercy in you

I would do it all again
Lose my way and fall again
Just so I could call again
On the mercy in you

When here in my mind
I feel inclined
To wrongly treat you unkind
I have faith I will find
The mercy in you

I would lose my way again
Be led hopelessly astray again
Just so I could pray again
For the mercy in you

When here in my mind
I have been blind
Emotionally behind
I have faith I will find
The mercy in you

Kickin the Habit

welp, i've finally done it. i made the decision to quit smoking. i knew it was coming, my body has been ready. i smoked my last cigarette on 11/30. i have been smoke free for 15 full days. and lord knows it hasn't been easy. and it will continue to be a struggle, but i'm determined. i also haven't been out drinking with my friends either - that is going to be a huge challenge. agh. wish me luck :)

The Lovely Bones

on a different note from my post i made just a few moments ago, if you haven't yet read this book, you MUST read it. it is so utterly phenomenal, yet heart wrenching. i can not WAIT for the movie to come out!!!
(and just a side note, the author's real life journey is truly amazing as well)

My Little Arteest

wow, i just had to take a moment to brag about ladybug's drawing she just finished. she did it completely freehand looking at a different design to get an idea from, but made something completely her own. check it out! and yes, that's a horse's head. i think i have the next picasso on my hands.

A Special Thank You

i would like to take a moment to thank my lovely and beautiful and talented blogging soul sister ~ brandi ~ for the amazing spotlight for my jewelry that she posted on her blog :

spotlight on butterfly girl creations

everything that is currently in my shop right now is 20% off and i'm gearing up my creative juices again as the autumn weather is starting to settle in . look for more jewelry to be posted soon :) :)

thanks again brandi. you are the best. truly.

Hmmmm

these are the two books i'm reading at the moment. yes, going back through the twilight saga again. (i'm a glutton for punishment). i borrowed the other from crack monkey. i apparently have some issues. HA!

Infuriated.

i haven't been this angry in a long time.

the ignorance of the american people and of parents in general (and this is a moment in time that i HATE being a TEXAN). make that DESPISE.

yesterday i heard about this obama speech to our children in their schools next week. my assistant came into my office yesterday and was saying how he was going back and forth all day long with his daughter's middle school stating he doesn't want his daughter to watch the president's speech next week. this was the first i had heard about it. but his reasoning is "i'm not going to have my daughter be subject to that asshole. i hate that son-of-a-bitch."

REALLY?!?!? i kept my mouth shut, but i knew finding out more about this was going to throw me through the roof. on top of not feeling well this week - and feeling even worse yesterday and now today - i am all fired up about this.

so i get online and i read things like ....

"President Barack Obama's plans for a televised back-to-school address to students next week are drawing fire from some conservatives, who say he's just trying to indoctrinate them to his political beliefs."

and

"In the Sept. 8 speech, Obama will challenge students to work hard, set goals for their education and take responsibility for their learning, Education Secretary Arne Duncan said in a letter to principals."

and

" 'He will also call for a shared responsibility and commitment on the part of students, parents and educators to ensure that every child in every school receives the best education possible so they can compete in the global economy for good jobs and live rewarding and productive lives as American citizens' Duncan said in a press release."

oh AND THIS

"But already, some conservatives are crying foul. The chairman of the Florida Republican Party is condemning Obama's speech as an attempt to "indoctrinate America's children to his socialist agenda."

"The idea that school children across our nation will be forced to watch the President justify his plans for government-run health care, banks, and automobile companies, increasing taxes on those who create jobs, and racking up more debt than any other President, is not only infuriating, but goes against beliefs of the majority of Americans, while bypassing American parents through an invasive abuse of power," Chairman Jim Greer said in a press release.
Added conservative talk show host Tammy Bruce, in a Twitter feed: "Make September 8 Parentally Approved Skip Day. You are your child's moral tutor, not that shady lawyer from Chicago." And conservative author Michelle Malkin said the lesson plans have a "heavy activist bent." "

ADDITIONALLY

"In his letter to principals, Duncan said viewing of the speech is encouraged, not mandatory. It's the first time a president has ever given a speech addressed directly to students."

i literally feel sick to my stomach. i am so enraged i am shaking...in fact, i really can't talk about this anymore. so i will just leave you with a little exchange between crack monkey and i this morning.


crack monkey: did you give administration hell?
butterfly: yes - on hold for 30 minutes
butterfly: finally got through.
asked what the reasoning behind them not showing the
presidential address was "too many parents complained"
butterfly: me - "what were they compliaining about exactly"
butterfly: admin : "we just had too many phone calls from parents
and decided we will not be showing it. it will be video taped and
available in video though"
butterfly: REALLY?!?!?!??!?!?!??!!
butterfly: so i have a phone call into ladybug's principal right now
crack monkey: you know...this could have been the coolest thing in
these kids' lives.
butterfly: i am so tired of ignorance
butterfly: truly
crack monkey: the thing they look back on that motivated them to stay
in school, go to college and get a good job
butterfly: so what i might just do it pull ladybug out of school while its on,
get her to a computer for her to watch and take her back to school
butterfly: and if they count her absent during that time, so be it
butterfly: i will cause hell on top of that if they do
crack monkey: i still remember getting to talk via video to the people while
they were discovering the titanic wreck
crack monkey: it was awesome
crack monkey: this would have trumped that
crack monkey: i hate people
butterfly: lol
butterfly: me too
crack monkey: ignorant, knee jerk reactionists that don't know progess even when
it's biting them in the butt
crack monkey: "intellectualism" has become "elitist"
butterfly: amen sister
crack monkey: stupid, stupid people

RIP SRV ~ August 27, 1990

19 years ago today, we lost a brilliant musician. you are missed so dearly, stevie. God bless Texas...

~ soul to soul ~"You see, we are here, as far as I can tell, to help each other; our brothers, our sisters, our friends, our enemies. That is to help each other and not hurt each other." ~ Stevie Ray Vaughan

Ping!

Ping!

Heartbroken

image courtesy of photobucket

please excuse my rawness and possible manic ranting in this post, but i view this as part of my healing process, so well...here goes nothin. again....i apologize for the mere craziness of this post.

my love and i broke up yesterday. i will leave all the history out of this post, but just know we have been through A LOT together - from a drug and alcohol addiction to money issues to issues with children and ex's. it's been a roller coaster ride literally. we decided in november to give it one more shot. with all of the issues out of the way, we wanted to start a new. things were great. i truly thought things were going to work out this time. it's unfortunate how hard it is to get past some things at times. i had an underlying trust issue that was never quite resolved. we have struggled with them this whole time. it's been a slight issue, but i think i've managed pretty well with it. it seemed to be getting better.

things have been a little "off" for the past month and a half or so. let me preface with the fact that my now ex is a musician and is travelling most of the time. he's not home a whole lot, but we did live together and were sharing our lives together when he was at home and off the road. things haven't seemed right for a little while. we've gotten into a few spats and fixed them. we went on vacation to new orleans and had a wonderful time. as soon as we got home, something happened. someone from his past got into contact with him and he lied to me about it. it was bad. we got into it and things haven't been right for a week. he was out of town this past weekend and got back sunday night exhausted and very distant. i left for work yesterday morning - he was still asleep. he sent a text message to me yesterday morning saying we needed to have a serious talk about everything. i immediately called him. i could hear in his voice what was about to happen. it was a short conversation. i finished all my work - i left - went home and as i suspected everything of his was out of the apartment and the key under the mat. couldn't get a hold of him via text message or phone call.

got to the computer to check my email and his email was still up - he hadn't logged out. well...what did i find? of course communication between him and this "ex girlfriend" for whom he wrote a song about - stupid me thinking it was just a song about a girl...from his past. emails to her at the beginning of july saying how he had dreamed about her all night and couldn't stop thinking about her and that he will always love her. return emails from her stating how she will always love him and misses him. and then of course a more recent email entitled "for you" with a link to a youtube video of him playing his song he wrote for her and addressing it to her.

i'm crushed.

i'm so so so so so very angry and my heart is broken into so many pieces. AGAIN, i am 2nd. it seems like i have been in way too many situations where i have been 2nd choice. i am tired of being that person. and when you are that person for so long, you almost feel like you will be that way forever. but i know i don't deserve that. no one deserves that.

i am not blaming him for the demise of this relationship. i certainly have not been perfect - no one is. i had my role and i've made mistakes and said or done things that i'm not necessarily proud of.

but this by far is the ultimate betrayal.

so here i am in a whirlwind of emotions i go from a slight tear to fierce anger. i didn't sleep a wink last night - had major crazy dreams about his family last night as well. it was bizarre.

and to top it off there are kids involved. not "ours" together but mine and his. and they have become so close.

i can't believe he just up and left. no communication - no nothing. he did this once before to me but we had been through the "why" of it and the promise of it never happening again that i truly thought it wouldn't. and here we are.

no more chances...no more tries. no more making up. i am washing my hands completely of him from my life and starting the healing process. i know it's not as bad as in previous times because i've already been through it several times.

i know that i am going to focus solely for now on myself and on my daughter. i have put off so many things that i have wanted to do for myself and i plan to tackle them one at a time.

outdoor soccer season starts this sunday, so there's my first step. i'm looking forward to the intense running and sweating and releasing the toxins from my body...the emotional and physical ones.

sorry to be such a downer. i won't be any worse than this. it's all uphill from here. i have to go throw the motions AND the emotions and start my road to healing.

i am normally not such an open person about my personal life especially on here, but today, i felt i should be. that i needed to be.

i am thanking God for another day and asking him for the strength to guide me through this tough time in my life. better days are ahead.

*on a side and happy note, i would like to thank my sweet sweet soul sister, brandi for purchasing one of my necklaces from my etsy shop. you have no idea what the support means to me. check out her blog HERE and her photography HERE. she's such a creative and beautiful soul. thank you so much my darling. hugs and kisses to you.*

Woopsy

well, leave it to me to accidentaly delete two of the photos i was trying to post in the photo blog and i couldn't get them back in order, so here ya go.

french quarter - new orleans

our hotel

Photo Blog of Natchitoches and New Orleans, LA

well...i am FINALLY recouping from my week long vacation. been home for a week and i'm still in a slight daze. well worth it though. when i can find the time and the energy (not an overabundance of it quite yet around here), i will blog in detail about the trip. but for now, here are some photos to take you along our journey. i took many more, but i chose a few of my favorites. enjoy!

i would like to first set off the mood as we were leaving dallas headed east, "born on the bayou" by CCR came on the radio. couldn't get any better than that...

leaving shreveport, LA - headed southbound

had to snap a shot of this sign in the boudin shop - we had definitely entered coon ass country - i could hardly understand a word anyone was saying - strong south louisiana accent

the boudin (prounounced boodan) shop in breaux bridge, LA (famous for the boudin)


crawfish balls from the boudin shop. oh.my.goodness.

the atchafalaya basin - largest swamp in the US - definitely don't want to be breakin down around these here parts

another shot of the atchafalaya basin (please notice how i did not get OUT of the car to take a photo - there's a good reason for that ;) )

welcome to natchitoches (pronounced nakitish)

view towards the cane river from the river walk - it was breathtaking

fountain in the cane river - see the rainbow? :)

stunning magnolia tree along the cane river

all the benches looked like this. the fleur de lis definitely has a new meaning to me after experiencing louisiana.

banana plants outside the roque house

gorgeous, huge, OLD oak tree - i fell in love with it. the photo doesn't do it any justice.

the roque house

the roque house door

front door to the roque house

the steel magnolia house - primary filming of the film "steel magnolias" - they filmed the movie in natchitoches

the steel magnolia house

the mighty mississippi river - crossing over into baton rouge, LA

chartres street - french quarter - new orleans, LA

our hotel - le richelieu

one of my favorite photos of the trip - the andrew jackson statue in jackson square. i was amazed how this photo came out

jackson square in the morning

in between jackson square and the st. louis cathedral. i love the colors in this photo.

joan of arc statue - maid of orleans

gas lamps along the streets of the french quarter. i absolutely fell in love with them. especially at night. it completed the feel and ambiance of new orleans for me.

trompone player outside cafe du monde

cafe du monde coffee - i don't drink coffee, but for regular coffee drinkers, it's some of the best coffee in the world...chickory

beignets at cafe du monde. yes, they are as delicious as they look.

lake pontchartrain (the r is silent) and the causeway. 2nd largest salt water lake in the US. the causeway is the largest bridge over a body of water in the WORLD! 24 miles long. we drove all the way across and all the way back. i really felt connected in this part of louisiana - this is where many of my ancestors are from.

french quarter - new orleans

chartres street - new orleans

french quarter - new orleans

the seafood platter at deanie's. mikey and lance split it and still didn't get 1/2 way through it. good lord!

inside the st. louis cathedral

the st. louis cathedral

let me explain this photo as it came out very fuzzy. this is the statue of jesus behind the st. louis cathedral. we were walking back to our hotel from bourbon street one night and the shadow from the statue on the cathedral was utterly amazing. the photo did not capture it at all.

statue of jesus behind the st. louis cathedral. i thought it was really neat how the bird was sitting on his outstretched hand.


and this concludes our photo journey. i hope you enjoyed it. i will sit down and write more about the trip later, but it's amazing the stories that can be told through pictures. i'm definitely going back, but i have to admit, i will not be going back to new orleans in august. it was SWELTERING hot. even in the tour guide books, they have events for every month and what's listed under august says "In August, we sweat." nothing else. and that's the truth.

Friday Evening Shadow Dance on My Back Porch