I am currently in a very stressful situation personally and am being confronted with behaviors that are very unhealthy and very troublesome by a certain individual that will be forever in my life at this point in some aspect. Despite my naivety at the time, a blessing that has not yet emerged Earthside has come from this decision to have this person in my life. Unfortunately, situations have unfolded that I wasn't aware were there at the time, but for the past several months, I am proud of my behavior.
The person I was 2 years ago would not have handled this situation the way I have today. With dignity, respectfully, calmly and with a rock solid program. I can honestly say that directly because of my program that I am working, I have not done anything or said anything to this individual that I feel that I now or later will owe an amends for. I have handled myself civilly and with boundaries that are healthy for me. And for my baby-to-be.
Unfortunately some additional worrisome behavior was directed at me today that instinctively, thoughts of lashing out verbally and in anger at this person have crept up within me. But since I am in a program and working that program, they have quickly diminished and as I remain calm and at peace with today, I can say the Serenity Prayer several times and all of those thoughts and feelings go away at once. I am really proud of my progress and am so thankful that I am not in a place of regret or insanity as I may have been 2 years ago. I have set a clear boundary, this person is overtly attempting to cross the boundary I have set and I will not react or respond because I am sticking to my healthy boundary.
I am truly blessed. I can only hope that people that are struggling with physical or emotional addictions can find serenity as I have. I wish it and pray it for them. But I know I have to take care of myself and my well-being and not be sucked into other people's illnesses despite whatever connection we may share. I am in control of how I react and how I let someone affect me. And that is a control that I am so happy to possess because Lord knows I can't control anyone else or anything that goes on around me except for myself. And today I am in control of my emotional sobriety.
Today's reading out of Courage To Change:
"Life doesn't always go smoothly or peacefully, even though I might wish it would. In the past, when something bothered me, I'd say nothing rather than face an argument. It seemed better for me to be upset than to risk upsetting someone else. The results were usually disastrous. I would become irritable and unreasonable as I let resentment fester.
Today I suspect that adversity has value I hadn't previously recognized. When I face adversity and deal with my problems or express my feelings, things have a chance to improve. Even if they don't, I release some of the pressure I feel. I'm new at this, and I don't do it very gracefully yet: sometimes it's scary, and sometimes my words are not exactly welcomed. Nevertheless, I feel better when I realize that I have finally begun living life on life's terms.
Looking back, I see how much I've grown. I wouldn't have chosen any of the crises in my life, but since coming to Al-Anon, I've learned that every problem can help me to change for the better, deepen my faith, and add to my self-esteem.
The Chinese word for crisis is written with two characters. The first stands for danger, and the second for opportunity. I will look for the good hidden within everything I encounter.
"There is no such thing as a problem without a gift for you in its hands." - Richard Bach