Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Emptiness


honestly, i'm not quite sure why i am here. it's been 6 days since i have posted and i logged in a moment ago thinking i wanted to say something, but i'm completely at a loss. so please don't mind the babble that is about to surface from me noggin.

after what has become an almost daily correspondence with a dear internet friend of mine, i mentioned that i was in an odd place....nothing bad...just odd. something that i could not even put into words. he wrote me back with : "Odd, huh . . . if you can’t describe it directly . . . can you indirectly? . . . As in how it is impacting your experience of day-to-day life?"
after reading this over and over again about 5 different times trying to get the gears in my brain to turn, i hit the reply button, carefully placed my fingers in the appropriate position on the keys of my keyboard...and just sat there. nothing came out. i was at a loss. instead of replying back with possibly the most ignorant and dumbest response of "uh, i dunno", i apparently have decided to embarrass myself in front of more than just one person and make a complete arse of myself right here. how's that for no shame?

absolutely nothing of major significance is going on with me right now. so when i say odd...i mean odd as in the absence of something....of anything. i have a sense of emptiness right now. and not in a bad way - it's hard to describe. normally when one feels empty, it's definitely a bit of a negative thing. with me it's not good, but i don't feel bad or negative. like my inner soul and my depth has been taking a vacation for a few weeks. i haven't analyzed anything in my life. any relationship or any situation i have put myself in. i've just gone with it - been in the moment. (and please don't take this as going on some sort of a drug or sex binge as i'm not insinuating that sort of thing by any means) i have taken a leave of absence of my life as it is. taken a step back just to get out of the monotony. i know that sounds bizarre, but follow me here for a moment. i've been eating whatever i have felt like eating. i haven't played soccer in 3 weeks...because i just haven't felt like it. i haven't been reading. i have been watching television and shows that have no significance in my life, but none-the-less have been entertaining. i've been watching MANY movies, which is odd for me - i'm not a huge movie watcher. don't get me wrong, i love movies, but there are also many movies that come and go that i never see. i haven't cleaned my house in a couple of weeks or made any sort of effort in doing so. i haven't read ANY politics or watched any local or wordly news for that matter.

i've been lazy. lazy with a capital L.

so after reading that you are probably thinking to yourself, wow, she's a lazy son-of-a-bitch isn't she - how can that be considered a good thing? i am not considering it a good thing...just not a bad thing. i woke up at 3:30 this morning with a sense that i was ready to move out of this emptiness i've been experiencing. i obviously needed to experience it, but it's time to get back into what's really important to me and what makes my life wonderful to me.

i got up at 6:30 this morning and RAN. i ran for 30 minutes with nothing but my thoughts and my feet gripping the concrete. there's something about running...the endorphines....the absolute freedom....just you and your body working together. time to return to my life. time for meaning again. and 3 weeks of this emptiness...gone. vanished. experienced & now moving along. back to soccer, back to watching what i ingest into my body, back to written word, back to my spiritual quest. back to ME again.

4 comments:

Brandi said...

it was preperation. your soul and your body needed to deal with something behind the scenes. you needed a break, frankly.

so glad you honored it.

Oceanshaman said...

And here I thought you were on a 6-day drug and sex binge . . . : )

What a cool post . . .

I'm with Brandi . . . something was going on beyond your conscious perception . . . and rather than freak, you went with it . . . for the better, it appears . . .

Good for you . . .

Roll on, sister . . .

Jaime said...

i can relate! i've been watching top chef and jackie warner's "workout"...oh and chelsea handler, love me some of her...anyway, sometimes the mind and body just needs to replenish itself.

glad you are back with the blogging!

Grace said...

Isn't it funny how we squirm in the Void sometimes?

When it's such a lovely place to just BE.

BEing is awesome. Now that you are back to doing, I hope you're going to take the 'emptiness' of the Void back with you. Good stuff happens there. Like a womb with ANew ;)