Thursday, September 27, 2007

Letting go of past anger

this has been an issue constantly on my mind and in my heart. what sparked me to write about it though, was bluegreendragonfly's post.

14 years ago, i was in a situation where i was raped and around the same period of time, dated someone who mentally and physically abused me off an on for 4 years. he was 8 years older than me - i was young and naive. it doesn't bother me or hurt to talk about it anymore.

i thought i had let this go and moved on in my life, but alas, when you think you do, you find that you carry it with you more than you think - especially in relationships, you find yourself acting on those old tendancies....not on purpose...only because it's all you have ever known.

all of my relationships from that point, had suffered the effect of these happenings in some form or another.

then i met someone (i don't want to divulge real names, but he does read this blog and knows who he is). he was my turning point. he was the only one that said "hey...you have these deep lying issues and i love you enough that i want you to get the help you need and i will go through it with you." we went to therapy together a few times....i don't think i could have done it without him. after a while, it became easier and i was able to go on my own. we ended up splitting up for ultimately the reasoning that i couldn't try and make our relationship work and focus on fixing my inner demons at the same time. it was a hard breakup for me because i did love him very much, but over time, i got over it. although, i still in my heart am so thankful for what he did for me...he knows that i am and even though we don't talk on a daily basis, we still are important aspects of each other's lives. i continued with therapy for 9 months after that point. it was the nicest and most caring thing that anyone has ever done for me and the best thing i could have done for myself. it's not for everyone, but in my instance, it was 100% the best thing for me. i was introduced to congnotive therapy and truly dealing with past demons head on and recognizing that when you experience these things they are placed in your memory bank and rear their ugly heads time and time again when something triggers them.

around this same time as well, i bought a bunch of self-help anger management books. after going through the therapy though, my anger was only associated with this and with things in my childhood i didn't realize until i learned to accept them and move on.

i've been a much happier person since that time. have had a couple of defunked relationships - each one different from the next, but learned from.

then i met Horizon. i know i go on and on about our relationship, but he truly is perfect for me.

BUT.....

i still have some underlying issues that i feel seeping out at times. not to the point of beyond reason as i did before, but things that still get triggered on occasion. he is the most honest and most loving man i have been with. and this is a new experience for the both of us and it's a learning experience. most of my relationships have involved some sort of dishonesty at some point...and the last one prior to this was a HUGE disappointment on a lot of levels....not regretable, but learned from. yet you still carry that wall and expectation that your current relationship will have some of these faults....and when they don't...it's almost a shock. maybe i've just been unlucky in love until now...who knows.

when you meet that perfect person for you, there is still growing pains. Horizon and i have been together now for 6 months and we have had some MAJOR growing pains. and we still do. and will continue to do so, but as long as we both carry that awareness and acceptance of this and keep our communication at the level it is, i have no doubt that we will make it through and we will flourish. a lot of the issues stem from his fairly recent ex (a year ago) - whom he is just now starting a divorce - due to money issues. so being in this position with him and the ex and the kids has put a huge strain on me and i find myself getting upset...recently a little too much.

i am aware of it and am working on it consciously. any advise anyone would like to offer would be greatly appreciated. i have it in me to overcome these annoyances and have confidence in myself. i have jealous feelings and feelings of detachment and helplessness at times....again...as i stated before...nothing out of control, but regardless i am feeling them. i am talking to him about it all too though, so i know that's helping, but i want to get to the point that i don't let these things bother me.

where do i need to go inside myself to do this - to find this strength?

2 comments:

Historical Wit said...

hmmm...this might get a bit rambly...in my life I have had the pleasure of taking on others problems and trying my best to offer insights into the hows, whys and whats. Sometimes it doesn't work, other times it does. One thing I like to mention is the physical environment. Where are you when the jealous feelings or detached feelings come on. See I never put to much stock in Dianetics, but I read the book to see what the fuss was all about. One of the things in that book that made sense was what triggers emotions. If you have an experience that is awful, the body remembers everything the senses tell it at that time, often the senses are heightened. So if you got beaten while cooking eggs for breakfast while the radio was on playing a certain song and said beater was wearing a green shirt, years later having an argument at the IHOP with the smell of eggs, that certain song on the raidio and argumentative person wearing agreen shirt could trigger emotions that are stronger than the actual event called for. Sure you should be emotional, but did it go to far and you don't know why? Something to think about. Where are you when you feel like that.

THe other thing I have done was when I was done with college the first job I got with my history degree was being a social worker. I worked with kids at risk. Typical social work, super heavy case load. I had 13 kids when I was only supposed to have 6. The one thing I used as a coping mechanism that worked with many of them was exercise. Walking mostly. In nature away from human activity. It puts them back in touch with primitve senses that rarely get used in our modern world. Plus if you live in the city, being amonst the birds and trees opens you up in a different way. Plus its a confidence builder in you feel you can trust what you sense. Again primitive dna that whispers instincts to us we don't use enough. I firmly believe you can understand your survival instincts unless you learn how they talk to you. You can't learn how they talk to you until you introduce them to the envrionment they know. The great outdoors. That is the trigger that gets them in tune, that wakes them. Then you can apply that to your everyday world.

Like I said, a bit rambly.....

bluegreen dragonfly said...

wow. this entry is truly raw and emotional and touching-I have tears in my eyes. Thank you for sharing this part of your journey with us. I am so honored that I could be even a little teeny, tiny part of it.

as for that question-girl, I am asking myself the same thing. I just know that it's gotta be in me somewhere. That helps alot.