Blue Like Jazz

"nonreligious thoughts on christian spirituality" by donald miller


i wasn't going to make a post about this until i finished reading it, but i've decided to go ahead and do so.


a little bit of background on myself....i was raised in a methodist home and went to sunday school and church with my parents for most of my elementary and jr. high years. high school i was completely rebellious and hated the institution of church, so i managed to weasel my way out of going most of the time.

since my high school years i have been in a constant struggle where my spirituality is concerned. some days i believe in "god" and other days i just don't. and i'm still that way. i tend to have more of a belief in humanity. and more of a spiritual connection with mother nature or a goddess....in more sense of a paganism type belief....or even something along the lines of buddhism. if you were to ask me if i were a christian, my first answer to you would be absolutely not. but sometimes i tend to have "christian" beliefs.

so all in all, i'm confused...yes i know....BUT i also think i am stronger of a person than most christian sheep because i tend to question ALL THE TIME. if it's not tangible...it's hard for me to really believe. why am i like that with god, but i certainly believe in extra-terrestrials and ghosts and other unexplained phenomenon....why do i not give into "god"?

it's a constant battle within myself and i am at a point in my life that i hope i can find some sort of path or direction. because this has been going on for over 15 years now. i feel like i'm missing something inside myself....some part of my soul is not connected as it should be to whatever it is that i truly believe in.

my father is the most amazing man i have ever met in my entire life. he's one of the most selfless human beings and mild mannered and so caring. and he is a christian. he is very active in his church (the church that we had gone to since i was a very small girl). and in my eyes, a true christian. what a christian should be....not a pseudo christian or a poser christian. *example: cough - what our president claims to be* and believe me, i have encounted wayyyy too many of those folks in my life. enough to push me away from that faith in general. my dad understands the struggles of my beliefs and spirituality i've had in my life. he's even given me articles of spirituality that he thought might help me...that might guide me.

so when i was over at my folks house about 2 weeks ago, he gives me this book to read and is just raving about it and thinks that i will be able to relate to it very well. i am reluctant, but i take it anyway and decide that i will read it to see what it's all about.

when i first opened the book, the first 20 pages or so were almost a few moments of "eye rolling" to me. like i stated...it's hard for me to get into the "god" thing....and donald miller talks about god. alot. it's a book about god. and about jesus. and connecting with them on YOUR own level. and about how he dislikes the institution of church or institutions in general and the struggles he's gone through in his life as a christian, but swaying from the stigma of a christian as most people in the world view it.

after i got past my general reluctance to the book and really started to get into it and as the pages unfolded, i found myself really letting in what he was saying. i could relate to some of his struggles and some of his views on "christianity". i am now 3/4's of the way through the book - actually a bit more -but the pages i read last night were the ones that i truly connected with. when he talks about not fitting in at a certain church he goes to or most churches for that matter. he joins a church that a friend of his opens in portland called imago-dei. the church they started was small in numbers, but eventually grew into a huge community. and community is a major thing with them. they had a very diverse congregation....hippies, artists, just your general "non-conformists". i truly connected with this. and i thought....i wonder if there are any imago-dei type churches in my area? i wouldn't mind going to a church like this just to experience it and see if it calls to me. another thing that donald talks about is finding a church that god sends you to. the one he knows that's right for you. and maybe i'm starting to hear his calling now. maybe reading this book has become a first step for me to actively go out and find this part of my soul that is missing. this connection that i need to find with god...or with jesus....or with the goddess....or whomever it may be. i almost feel a little less tense today.

my dad knows me a lot better than i thought he did. when i talked to him a couple of days ago he had asked if i had gotten to the part that they are in portland yet. and i hadn't. and as i was reading, i knew this was the section of the book that he was talking about. i realized that he knew that this part of the book would be calling to me. and it is.

so with all of this said, i am going to finish up this book this weekend and start actively seeking my own spirituality and my own connection with my belief. it's funny because i had a discussion with the davish one about a year ago - a very long, drawn out, philosophical discussion about this same thing. i wanted to go on a search....visit some churches...find my path. i didn't follow through with it because i lost the focus, the desire. i think i lost the focus because it just wasn't time for me. reading this book has jarred something inside of me and i now realize it's time to go on my own journey. and i couldn't be more excited.

so dad, thank you. i love you.

p.s. you can read some excerpts from the book here if you are interested.

Immaturity

i just love how immature i can be at times. it's not all the time, but i have my moments.

so i've been having an issue with our little bella bear pooping on certain spots on the carpet for the past...well...since we've had her. i keep her litter box clean and i immediately clean the spots that she's soiled. i am going this weekend to get some of the pet no-go stuff and see if that happens to work. also going to change the brand of litter and see if that has something to do with it as well. when i was googling last night, i also found out that taping aluminum foil to the carpet in those spots will make them stop going - cats hate the feeling of aluminum foil on their paws. so i did that last night....but i really want a permanent solution that i don't have to look ghetto with aluminum foil all over my house.

i was reading in forums different solutions from people. and i read this one and i couldn't stop giggling for about 30 minutes. how immature am i?

google: "how to stop my cat from pooping on the carpet"

thread answer: "one time i pooped on my cats head and ever since then he hasnt pooped on the floor."

yah. i know.

Mother Earth

i stole this from oceanshaman from this beautiful post.

this depiction of mother earth is one of the more amazing ones i've seen and wanted to share. it's simply delightful and appropriate since i'm in a phase of getting deeply in tune with mother earth and nature at the moment. thanks, ocean.

TOTALLY cool and VERY uncool

THIS has got to be the best invention known to man. i am totally getting myself a pair of these. real soon.

an den....

while at my soccer scrimage yesterday, some of the girls were talking about THIS. while i'm the first to admit that i did love those douchebags wayyyyyyyy back in the day, in fact it was my very first concert....but i will blame all that on puberty and bad taste.

i mean....REALLY?!?! what would possess them to do such a thing? they are like 60 years old and stuff.

whoa. whoa. whoa. whoa. whoa. hanging tough.

yah.

that hurt me too.

Flashback Friday : Volume 18

i hadn't heard this song in YEARS and it came on a juke box at a bar i visited monday night. so i knew it would have to be my flashback for this week. enjoy.

moody blues : your wildest dreams

He*cough* Ledg*cough*

ok ok...i REALLY didn't want to do this with the rest of the freakin world blogging or talking about this tragedy, but i have to put in my two cents on this one. and this might anger some, but so be it, because this is how i feel.

i've read a few blogs and a lot of people's comments on the death of heath ledger. many were filled with compassion, but the majority were filled with "who the fuck cares" and "fucking druggy" and "he's a dumb-fuck who deserved to die because he chose that lifestyle...blah blah blah blah blah".

ok. *deep breath*

firstly, although i say that i really don't care about celebrity lifestyle, i have this inner demon inside of me that picks up people magazine more often than i should. honestly, as much as us as human beings would like to admit that we couldn't care less, the truth is that we do. and for those of you reading this shaking your head disagreeing with me, stop kidding yourselves. we do have a curiosity and an opinion. i wish i could say that i could care less about the falling youth celebs such as brittany spears, lindsay lohan, etc. but the truth is i do. i see them and my heart goes out to them because they have MAJOR problems and they need major help. first step in my opinion, GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE SPOTLIGHT and drop off the face of the earth for a few years until you can get your lives together. simple as that.

and yes, sometimes i have that feeling of...well they chose this life and they chose to be famous, so they have to deal with that, so fuck em. but in all honesty, i don't feel that way because i have human compassion. just because someone is famous or "chose" to be famous and in the spotlight doesn't mean they aren't another person just like you and me. and the simple fact is that they are. they have obstacles and stuggles that we, as an average "unfamous" person, do not face. and we can't BEGIN to understand that. as much as we like to judge it, we DON'T understand it.

i liked - rephrase that - i like heath ledger a lot. despite the fact that he was terribly easy on the eyes, as most people would agree with me...even you straight fellas out there, you definitely have to agree he was a handsome man. i found him to be a very talented actor and a very diverse actor. i sort of saw him as a young tom hanks - and possibly moving into that stature by the time he was tom's age. heath was not the type of person to display or flaunt himself to the media or the public. despite his popularity and his "famousness", he appeared to stay grounded and tried to keep out of the mainstream spotlight. he dated a very spotlighted actress for many years - naomi watts and i think because of that, he was in the media a bit more. when he got together with michelle williams and became a father, he seemed to fall off the tabloids' radars. because he CHOSE to step away from it. in all the interviews i have heard with him, he appears to be very intellectual, soft-spoken and level-headed.

so when i saw this news hit the page of msn in bold red, i was in shock. when i heard people's horrid opinions and things coming out of their mouths, i chose to stay quiet. because i didn't want to presume anything. my heart immediately went out to his 2 year old daughter and his ex-wife who are now going to have to go through this life without him being a part of it. whether you are famous or not, or a druggy or not, that is SAD. have some fucking compassion people. quit judging others when you have NO idea. you have no idea what their life was like...you have no idea the struggles they faced... you have no idea WHY. so now his autopsy comes back as inconclusive. which means obviously he wasn't flying high on any major drugs. which means that it probably wasn't murder. which means it PROBABLY was some sort of accident. which means....MAYBE he took a few sleeping pills and his body reacted terribly and he died. we don't know.

so i'm going to continue to stay quiet (haha - that's funny isn't it) and have some compassion for his family and his friends and the people who were closest to him because they just lost an incredible person.

rest in peace, mate.

Sometimes there are no words....

....Only Love.


i saw this picture with this saying this morning and i felt a sense of warmth. and also found it perfect for today. MLK jr. day. what an amazing individual. a modern day prophet. honestly i believe we have had quite a few modern day prophets - some that are still alive, but some that have passed in recent years. MLK, nelson mandella, bob marley, jimi hendrix, princess diana...i could go on. but these people give me hope. hope in humanity. hope in our own compassion....hope that we can make a change for the greater good. hope that we can use the means that we hold individually to make a difference.

thank you MLK jr. for all that you did for us while you were here on this earth. i truly believe you made a difference even though we have such a long way to go. but it was a huge step. you are greatly missed and i, personally will strive to individually keep your dream alive within my life and the people i encounter on this earth.

i've been sickly (again). i swear i have the weakest immune system known to mankind. i am feeling better though. this weekend was pretty eventful. me and the ladybug went to the palace of wax / ripley's believe it or not with my friend suzi and her daughter on saturday. what an awesome experience. we had such a great time. the wax sculptures, i have to admit, were a little freaky. i kept referring back to that horrid movie "the house of wax" and kept invisioning the wax sculptures coming out and grabbing me. that was an all day event, so i was pretty worn out by the time we got home late saturday night. attempted to go to soccer practice sunday morning and quickly decided that was a BAD idea considering it was 40 something degrees and i was still sick. left about 45 minutes of torturing myself and spent the rest of the day cleaning house. i really don't mind the cleaning part....i HATE laundry with a passion, but it's always nice to admire your finished work after you've completed. a sense of triumph if you will.

so today i'm here at work and don't feel like being here in the slightest bit. atleast it's quiet and i can get some things done without being distracted every few minutes.

happy monday all. ciao.

High Tide or Low Tide & Whatchu Know About

these two make the most amazing duo i've ever heard in my life. the harmonies in this song give me chill bumps.



and secondly donavon f. & g. love. this is another one of my favorites. fun video:

Flashback Friday : Volume 17

ok guys, i'm sickly today and my head is cloudy, thus unable to dig very far in the trenches for something obscure.

so here's an oldie, but goodie - beck's "where it's at". i could not find the original video version, but found this bad-ass live version with the flaming lips. dude. it's rad.

enjoy! happy friday!

Rainbow

from g.love's personal youtube profile : here's g. love, donavon f, alo and matt costa in close proximities to each other for a fun time.

Eddie Izzard

dude...this fuckin guy KILLS me. i just heard of him over the weekend and saw his dvd : dress to kill. i almost peed in my pants several times. here's a very small clip from the dvd...quite funny.

And sometimes.....

....you just gotta pimp your friends :) Wes Jeans, ya'll.

Just

i woke up with this song in my head and i remembered what a brilliant video it is. you must watch this all the way through.

radiohead - "just"

Business card...theme...banner....AHHHHH

ok...if it's one thing i am NOT good at (besides handywork and mechanical crap around the house) is trying to create a banner or collage or business card type-ish things.

i'm trying to think of a business card / banner. i'm instilling the help of my friend natorchen for some ideas, but he's been slackin....so, i took it upon myself to make something up. and it's too basic. i want it more personalized. i am envisioning a butterfly with rays of sun coming off it. something earthy....something with my personality.

this is what i came up with so far. ugh. i need help. i hate this crap. (this is where i am asking you lovely, artistic bloggers and readers out there for your opinions)

Flashback Friday : Volume 16

today we have a bit of a one-hit-wonder. but i still LOVE this song whenever i hear it. reminds me of how i used to dance around "new wave" style as a teenager at a club in town that was called xenon. ah, the old days.

kon kan - "i beg your pardon" (yes, you have permission to get up and shake yo thang)

"Early In the Morning" Live at Crossroads 2007

i *heart* doyle bramhall II

my l word character

i needed a distraction for a moment before i start this online course and test for my promotion. *breathe dammit*

most of you reading this probably dont' watch the l word or are as addicted as i am...but hey. what can ya do. for those of you that do....can we just take a hatchet to jenny and get her off the damn show? argh!

which "the l word" character are you? created with QuizFarm.com

You scored as tina you are mother to be tina, you love your friends and they love you, you are so sweet. tina 83% alice 67% kit 50% carmen 33% jenny 33% dana 17% bette 17% shane 0%

Eureka!

you know when those moments hit you like a ton of bricks over questions you ponder to yourself. like "hmmm...why is it that certain relationships in my life have failed when they could have been better or could have been different?".

TIMING.

that's my HUGEST problem in a couple of my past relationships that i was just thinking of.

i just recently started talking to someone - haven't met in person yet, but the emails and conversations have been great. but we've decided not to even meet simply because he is about to be leaving the state to move elsewhere at the end of this month so it would be better for us both.

of course.

it's timing.

and mine is almost always impeccable.

In The Colors

2nd week of 2008

today has been an interesting day. today has definitely said to me that 2008 is going to be a year of change for me and it's all in how i grasp it. i'm shooting for positive change :)

my heart got confirmation today that i truly need to move on and not look back. it hurts a little right now, but instead of the "what if" hanging over my head, it's now clear that i am going to focus on getting through this. the confirmation stings, yet is clarifying to me.

then

i just came out of my ops manager's office with a 4% raise and a promotion! of course the promotion won't be complete for possibly 60-90 days, and that's due to this being a process, but it's starting on monday. wow. i'm ever so excited and nervous.

so some great news to overlap the semi-bad.

happy tuesday all!

Insomnia once again

wrote this last night, but couldn't post from my home computer - still don't know why, so i'm posting this am....

sunday, january 6th 9:47pm

although it's relatively early, i feel a night of insomnia coming on. i can tell because i can't turn my brain off.

i'm feeling rejected lately. with a lot of aspects of my life and it's an uncomfortable feeling and it's self-imposed i'm sure.

don't get me wrong, i have many blessings in my life that i am overly thankful for...something just seems off-kilter at the moment. in all actuality and in confession, it's been like that for a short time now. none of this may make sense, just understand i'm writing this out to try and make sense of it myself.

i feel like something is missing and i can't put my finger on it. something that is keeping me from feeling whole. sure, i yearn for that companionship of a lover, but i am a whole person without that and i know that. so i've ruled that out.

i have a friend, who is a recent friend, however, i feel as though we are connected on a higher plane. it feels like things we are going through in our lives or are searching for are intermingling at the exact same times. i know she feels it too because we've mentioned it to each other before. it's almost an eerie type of feeling, but not one of horror....one of mystery and comfort.

i know some days are better than others. i know my heart is still in mourning to an extent and may never fully recover from my recent loss. but as i said before, i have to find my way past it and live my life as wholeheartedly as i can. it's a process....but also a time for growth. for self growth and self awareness. i almost feel as though i am skirting on the surface of life at the moment. like i have been distracting myself from the depth of life....from the depth of me.

i'm constantly discovering ways of bettering myself. of discovering things about myself that may have not come to surface. i've been doing that quite a bit lately....and in recent years. i've gotten back into soccer in the last few years after atleast a 10 year hiatus. i have that passion for the game of soccer that i had to rediscover again. i discovered recently how i love to create using beads. necklaces...bracelets. i love that creativity i've found in myself that i honestly did not believe ever existed. i am looking forward to other ways to create. something i do miss that i know is part of my feeling of being whole. yoga. i was so into it for a few years and i have completely stopped as my everydays have changed or chosen a new path. i still practice meditation on the occasions when i need it most. but i think i need to bring it back in as part of my everyday. i felt so serene, so at peace...with myself and all around me when i was practicing. it's hard to try and add to the things in your life when you feel your days are already full. most of my life is spent at work and being a mother. the thing that i have to do in order to put a roof over our heads and dinner on the table and the thing called mothering that is the best "job" i have ever had in my life thusfar. my daughter is old enough now that she is starting to create her own path and her own likes and dislikes. her own hobbies and her own spirituality. enough for me to pay more attention to what I need, but without losing sight of her needs first. i yearn for that extra room to have as my own space. not my bedroom....but my very own spiritual room. a place i could practice yoga...to meditate....to create....or to just be. with myself and only me. my lease is up at the end of march. i had planned on staying here, but maybe it wouldn't hurt just to see if there is anything in my price range in a 3 bedroom....something larger...more space. maybe i need a change. as much as i do love this place, maybe it's time for something new. i will go on pondering that for the next few weeks and see what my heart tells me to do.

i don't know what's in the cards. i can only hope that whatever this is stirring inside of me will slow the tidal waves soon and end in peaceful, soothing brushes ashore.

hmmm....Really?

the "domestic goddess" is quite funny.....but then when you start thinking about boilermaker, that adds a whole new realm of funniness to the matter....

another giggle at a borrower's expense. sorry!

Flashback Friday : Volume 15

since i was a shmuck and didn't post last friday, i have a two-fer today. same band...two songs.

taking you wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy back....today i have a little band named the fixx. you've probably heard many of their songs from the 80's - i'm giving you one mainstream and one not so mainstream.

1st : red skies



2nd : secret separation

Pizzelle

i LOVE trying new things - especially things i've never heard of. a girl's grandmother (that i work with) made homemade pizzelles over the holidays with anise. oh.my.god. how yum yum they are. it's times like these i wish i had an italian familia. :)

then not to mention the homemade ravioli new year's party at crack monkey's. dayum those were good.

BFF's

The calm before the storm

this photo was vividly in my dream last night, so i decided to post today. this was such a breathtaking experience:

Lake O' The Pines - East Texas - June 2007

Sleeps with Butterflies

i've gotten several inquiries as to how i got the title of my blog and what exactly does it mean. here's your answer:

Somber 2nd day of 2008

hiya lovelies.

i'm very happy about this new year for new beginnings and saying goodbye to 2007 and everything that came along with it. gaining some closure as well.

i'm feeling very somber today though. over the weekend, i got struck emotionally. my sister's best friend since jr high's father was in a tragic accident over christmas and passed away as well as my "little brother's" best friend from childhood.

we tend to go through life taking things for granted at times (not on purpose of course), but life generally gets in the way and goes into "routine" mode. but when things like this happen, we tend to get a huge fucking fist in the face of reality and of how truly short life is and how there are no guarantees. you start thinking of all the people who are so important to you and call them quickly and hug them tightly and tell them how much you love them. i do this often anyway, but after tragedies, i tend to go overboard.

i'm feeling introverted today as well. i finally got my ipod set up yesterday with tons of songs, so i am now at my desk, quiet, listening to my tunes that are good for my soul. we are super slow today, which is a nice change, so i am going to fully take advantage of that today because after this week, it's going to get crazy again.

i know i don't sound it today, but i really am very positive about 2008. i think it will be a good year for me. i seem to be doing a little mourning of 2007 these past few days, but it's a process that will soon be complete. two friendships that were very strong in 2007 are also taking a turn. nothing "bad", just aspects of life and our closeness is starting to dim a bit. such as life.

my only new years resolution is to stop smoking. i'm on a plan to be done cold turkey by the end of this month. i don't smoke regularly in the sense of "a pack a day" or something of the sort. but i do atleast have 1 or 2 a day and then if i'm drinking somewhere, that changes into many more. so instead of depriving myself fully, i'm gradually ridding of the habit. and it really is a bad habit...although i wouldn't call myself "addicted"...it's still a stinky habit. and it's time to be done with it.

i have many plans for myself this year, but none other that are resolutions. because when you put too many expectations out there, you end up getting disappointed. as in any situation.

so happy 2008 to you all - i wish you all the best year of your lives yet. ~namaste~


p.s.....does anyone have any suggestions for earphones? i have super small ears and earphones never ever fit in my ears right. argh.