Monday, January 07, 2008

Insomnia once again

wrote this last night, but couldn't post from my home computer - still don't know why, so i'm posting this am....

sunday, january 6th 9:47pm

although it's relatively early, i feel a night of insomnia coming on. i can tell because i can't turn my brain off.

i'm feeling rejected lately. with a lot of aspects of my life and it's an uncomfortable feeling and it's self-imposed i'm sure.

don't get me wrong, i have many blessings in my life that i am overly thankful for...something just seems off-kilter at the moment. in all actuality and in confession, it's been like that for a short time now. none of this may make sense, just understand i'm writing this out to try and make sense of it myself.

i feel like something is missing and i can't put my finger on it. something that is keeping me from feeling whole. sure, i yearn for that companionship of a lover, but i am a whole person without that and i know that. so i've ruled that out.

i have a friend, who is a recent friend, however, i feel as though we are connected on a higher plane. it feels like things we are going through in our lives or are searching for are intermingling at the exact same times. i know she feels it too because we've mentioned it to each other before. it's almost an eerie type of feeling, but not one of of mystery and comfort.

i know some days are better than others. i know my heart is still in mourning to an extent and may never fully recover from my recent loss. but as i said before, i have to find my way past it and live my life as wholeheartedly as i can. it's a process....but also a time for growth. for self growth and self awareness. i almost feel as though i am skirting on the surface of life at the moment. like i have been distracting myself from the depth of life....from the depth of me.

i'm constantly discovering ways of bettering myself. of discovering things about myself that may have not come to surface. i've been doing that quite a bit lately....and in recent years. i've gotten back into soccer in the last few years after atleast a 10 year hiatus. i have that passion for the game of soccer that i had to rediscover again. i discovered recently how i love to create using beads. necklaces...bracelets. i love that creativity i've found in myself that i honestly did not believe ever existed. i am looking forward to other ways to create. something i do miss that i know is part of my feeling of being whole. yoga. i was so into it for a few years and i have completely stopped as my everydays have changed or chosen a new path. i still practice meditation on the occasions when i need it most. but i think i need to bring it back in as part of my everyday. i felt so serene, so at peace...with myself and all around me when i was practicing. it's hard to try and add to the things in your life when you feel your days are already full. most of my life is spent at work and being a mother. the thing that i have to do in order to put a roof over our heads and dinner on the table and the thing called mothering that is the best "job" i have ever had in my life thusfar. my daughter is old enough now that she is starting to create her own path and her own likes and dislikes. her own hobbies and her own spirituality. enough for me to pay more attention to what I need, but without losing sight of her needs first. i yearn for that extra room to have as my own space. not my bedroom....but my very own spiritual room. a place i could practice create....or to just be. with myself and only me. my lease is up at the end of march. i had planned on staying here, but maybe it wouldn't hurt just to see if there is anything in my price range in a 3 bedroom....something larger...more space. maybe i need a change. as much as i do love this place, maybe it's time for something new. i will go on pondering that for the next few weeks and see what my heart tells me to do.

i don't know what's in the cards. i can only hope that whatever this is stirring inside of me will slow the tidal waves soon and end in peaceful, soothing brushes ashore.


Historical Wit said...

Listen to the birds. I read once somewhere when you make a choice and if you hear birds chirping, you made the correct choice or that choice is the correct choice. Something from eastern religions or maybe naitve american, I can't remember.

Either way, stay true to yourself.

Butterfly said...

thanks wit :)

Tex said...

Hi, just browsing blogs and found yours.
Nice thoughts. My mother's uncle was single all his life, and just happy and content, so at times when I've felt like i needed someone to love me, I tried to be more like him. I've found that as I become more loving and accepting of myself and who I am, that others also like me more, but when I am feeling frail and needy I can become desperate and annoyingly attached. I dunno, that's just me, but i suspect other may be this way. My wife writes some good stuff on this too (see her link from my blog if you're interested).

I find if I keep trying to stay in the no hate, no resentment, no conflict state of mind it helps me. (not that I always can do that).

Dandelion seeds said...

it's so awesome to see you giving yourself what you need!

much love my sweet friend!

(and I will be emailing you about painting soon!)